Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Symbolism and Donuts

As many of you know, Wednesday Donuts is a deeply meaningful event, full of significance and symbolism. For those of you too busy scarfing donuts to notice, here are some examples:
Round donuts symbolize eternity. With no end and no beginning, they remind us of deep time, and dinosaurs. Because dinosaurs lived a long time ago.
The coffee symbolizes the depth and darkness we seek to probe with our science. If you add cream, it gets even murkier (like a hedgehog seminar), but it also gets easier to drink.
Rectangular donuts symbolize rectangles. Because rectangles are a delicious shape.

Come learn about the symbolism for yourself Wednesday at 10am.


PS-> Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Reinhold Hutz. Not only is Dr. Hutz a decent and generous guy, and a brilliant scientist, but he’s also a (potentially) shady foreigner (like myself). The ways you can tell? He’s unusually handsome, obviously intelligent, and very smooth talking. All foreigners are like that. He’s also an American. How can you tell? He’s buying donuts.

Thanks, Dr. Hutz!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Donut Thesis Proposal

As a few of you may know, Heidi “H-Bomb” “Willodean” “Donut Girl” Hargarten successfully presented her Thesis Proposal to her committee this week, and was Advanced to Candidacy (as we used to call it at my kindergarten). Since it went so well, she’s agreed to talk about it one more time.
Her title:
Biosociological drivers of the gastroeconomics of pastries: Who pays, who stays?

Abstract: Although Wednesday Donuts is a no-cost opportunity to eat pastry and socialize with colleagues, predicting who will attend is a highly non-linear process. Significant drivers include age, academic rank, self-importance, and temporal proximity to graduate school. Similarly, financial support for donuts seems to be stochastic, with some regular attendees claiming poverty when asked to buy for the week, and other non-attendees willing to regularly support the cause financially. This may have significant impacts on the Department of Biological Sciences and the national economy.

Wednesday, 10am. Lap S185.

Refreshments provided by Masters Candidate Hargarten. Thanks, Heidi!


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Origin of Donuts

When I was a young lad, I was always often sometimes bored in school. Luckily, my school was located between two bakeries and across the street from another bakery, so I would sneak out to watch the bakers at their work. One day, while watching, I mistakenly ate an experimental radioactive apple fritter that I found in the bakery lab. When I awoke the next day, I realized that I had acquired a super power! I now had the ability to write a moderately funny email about donuts once a week! Years later, I found a use for my superpower.
Donuts. Wednesday 10am. Lapham S185.

PS->;Donuts this week courtesy of the biology office’s very own Jena Rock. People tell me I write a funny email now and again, but it turns out that Jena’s also got some talent in that direction, too. Almost weekly, I get an email from her telling me to come pick up a package “at my earliest convenience”. That always makes me laugh. It’s way more convenient to make Heidi do it.

Thanks, Jena!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Donuts: Special Place Special Time 11am, LAP N202

So, I was in Portland over the weekend. The cool one. In Oregon. I went there to check out a new donut place: Blue Star Donuts. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s pretty new. I had a cinnamon sugar donut and a decaf and got rained on. It was great. Now I’m back and it’s time for donuts again.
This week’s donuts is in LAP N202 at 11:00-12:00, due to another room commitment.

PS-> Doug E. Steebs stole our donut room, but he makes up for it by buying donuts this week. Thanks, Dr. Steeber!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

One Morning Only: Donut Mountain Ramblers! Lapham N202

Tomorrow morning, come to Lapham N202 for a special performance by the Donut Mountain Ramblers!
This electro-punk square dance band has been variously described as “tolerable”, “loud”, and “unqualified” by fans and critics alike.
Led by Wardell “Filipe” Alberto on  washtub bass, the band features Flem “Mattias” Johansson on jaw harp, Chestina “Evil Sara” Schaal on concertina, Willodean “Heidi” Hargarten on the jug, with rhythm by Spurgeon “Nelson” Coelho on spoons.
Ms. Schaal and Ms. Hargarten will also teach attendees traditional Appalachian flatfoot slam dancing.

Refreshments courtesy of the band.

Wednesday donuts. 10am. LAPHAM N202 this week.


Tuesday, November 5, 2013

To the man that hath no donut in himself

From the Bard himself, William Shakespeare:
“The man that hath no doughnut in himself, Nor is not moved with concord of sweet pastries, Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils; The motions of his spirit are dull as night, And his affections dark as Erebus. Let no such man be trusted. Mark the doughnuts.”

Change your ways, you avoider of doughnuts. Tomorrow, 10am, LAP S185

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Charles Fendrel “Chuck” Wimpee. You know Chuck’s generous nature. You know his love of teaching and mentoring. Now you know his secret middle name. Thanks, Chuck!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Donuts from THE FUTURE!

Do you have trouble getting to donuts on a weekly basis? Are you desperately afraid that a stray calorie might adhere itself to your middle? Are you paralyzed by the thought of having to speak to your colleagues for even a half hour a week? Thanks to your dear friends at Black Belt Clown, your problems are about to be solved.
These donuts, which you can make yourself, have zero calories, zero social requirements, and you can make them anytime, and anywhere. Because they’re futuristic, you can also avoid the hassle of taste, smell, and mouthfeel in favor of everyone’s favorite donut feature: the appearance. Do you love just looking at donuts like I do? If so, your moment has arrived:
And, if you’ve got $0.99 burning a hole in your pocket:
Non-electronic donuts: LAP S185, Wednesday at 10:00.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of the three nicest girls to ever commit themselves to a life of non-Ecology: Sampada Kharade, Surashree Kulkarni, and Kristen Bertling. Really, these women are amazing. You know those seminars where they mention hedgehogs at the beginning and then you don’t understand another word? These three ladies UNDERSTAND THOSE SEMINARS. And they’re generous with their money, too. Thanks!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Pick your donut!

You can pick your friends
You can pick your nose
But you can’t pick your friend’s nose
If you pick your nose, you can’t pick your friend’s donut, either.

Donuts, 10:a, LAP S185


Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Mutual Donut Network

Have you noticed that there are some people who just never come to donuts? Or maybe they used to go, but they don’t anymore? I was reading my MUFON newsletter the other day, and it turns out that these people are probably ALIEN REPLICANTS! It turns out that the evil lizardmen (and lizardwomen, too; it’s not an invasion of sexists) can’t tolerate the pure, wholesome donut deliciousness. It melts them, or something.
What can you do? First, demonstrate your loyalty to the human race by coming to donuts EVERY WEEK.
Second, if you have a friend, labmate, or boss who doesn’t attend, squash a donut against their face. When they dissolve, you’ll know why they never had time for a break on a Wednesday morning.
Be careful out there. And keep watching the skies.

PS-> The following people chipped in for donuts this week:
Leah Doughty (not a replicant)
Xiaogang Wu (not a replicant)
Xiaochen Yuan (not a replicant)
Liwei Fang (possibly a replicant)
Dr. Ching-Hong Yang (definitely a replicant, since he makes excuses every time we invite him to donuts)
Daniel Ross-Greinke (probably a replicant)

Didn’t chip in:

William Hutchins (definitely a replicant) would have chipped in, but he spent all his money on crop circle patterns for his UFO.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

A classic from the donut archive

The National Donut Society Field Guide to North American Donuts
by Mattias Johansson

With more than 700 donuts detailed with color photographs and descriptive text, this is the most comprehensive photographic field guide to the donuts of North America. The 762 full-color identification photographs show the donuts as they appear in natural habitats. Organized visually, the book groups all donuts by color and shape to make identification simple and accurate in the field, while the text account for each donut species includes a detailed physical description, information on edibility, season, habitat, range, look-alikes, alternative names, and facts on edible and poisonous species, uses, and donut folklore. A supplementary section on cooking and eating wild donuts, and illustrations identifying the parts of a donut, round out this essential guide. 

Come test your donut-identifying skills Wednesday @ 10:00 in the Donut Lounge (LAP S185)!

PS-> Donuts this week courtesy of the nice folks in GP’s lab: Shubhajit “Mitra” Mitra, Justin "The Guy One" Speck, Seema “The Girl One” Das, and Adwaita “the all-powerful warrior who, because of their endurance and inflexible will to win, shall go from conquest to conquest, leaving fire in their wake” Parida. What a great bunch of lads. Thanks, GP’s Team!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013


Sociable moment
Toroidal sublimity
Wednesday morning, ten

Ideally, bring your own mug. LAP S185

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Another donut miracle achieved!

As most of you know, I take a deep and abiding interest in health and nutrition in my role as Donut Email Coordinator. That’s why I've been so concerned about the rise of pumpkin intolerance (PI) in recent years. Although many people are sure that it’s all due to Monsanto spraying poisons from commercial airliners, I have yet to be convinced of this as the primary cause. Unfortunately, outside of intensive psychotherapy, there is still no cure for PI.
That’s why I’m so happy to announce a breakthrough by the food scientists at Dunkin Donuts. These hard-working individuals have finally managed to develop a Pumpkin Pie Donut that is completely, 100%, pumpkin free! If you've been struggling with PI, unable to enjoy the horrible fall beers that come around every year, and forced to avoid all the best baked goods, Dunkin has the answer:

Donuts, 10am Wednesday. LAP S185.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of the lovely ladies of the Leopard Lounge (formerly the Cheetah Garden, formerly the Housecat House): Ambi Henschen, Rachel Toldness, and Katie Barry. Orphaned at a young age, and raised as sisters by a pack of feral cats, the ladies have developed the ability to do quality science while simultaneously feeling sorry for anyone who doesn't live in a house named after cats. Thanks, Catgirls!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Healthy and Delicious Donuts

Worlds healthiest donut? I don’t know. It’s probably one of those with fruit inside. The red ones, I guess. I think they might have raspberry seeds. Or those might be spider eggs. Either way: healthylicious.

Donuts: 10am LAP S185.

Wondering about donuts?

You know what I’ve always wondered? Why the heck do people say someone “looks at life through rose-scented glasses”? What kind of stupid expression is that?
Find out the answer to that, and all of life’s other mysteries at Wednesday Donuts. Today, 10am, LAP S185.


What's more fun than donuts?

Donuts: it’s more fun than being robbed by a man dressed as a shrimp.
Donuts: it’s more fun than being pushed off a cliff by your new wife.
Donuts: it’s more fun than stubbing your toe on the skull of poor Yorick.
Be there. LAP S185, 10am.

Beautiful Donuts

You know, donuts is a lot like the public library at Ibiza (or Daytona Beach, if you prefer) during spring break: it’s full of beautiful men and women, discussing esoteric topics and looking good.
And you definitely want to be there.
Lap S185, 10:00.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Donut Professorship Questions

Dear Dr. Kruller,
I am a postdoc in Bakeriological Sciences at UW – Milwaukee, and I’m looking for my next professional opportunity. I saw the recent announcement of an Assistant Professor of Fryer Operations position at the University of Bismarck and had a few questions.
1. My research requires some minimal equipment: fryer, dough cutters in round and rectangular, donut-licking monkey, etc.. Are there startup funds available for this equipment?
2. What are the caloric intake requirements for faculty? The announcement mentions five donuts per day as the standard faculty load. Are new faculty allowed to taper up to this level?
3. My research focuses on filled donuts and their impact on society. Is there a possibility of developing a course on this topic in the first year?
Thank you in advance for your time.
Looking forward to hearing from you,

PS-> Wednesday Donuts, LAP S185, 10am

PPS-> Donuts this week courtesy of Heidi Hargarten, Donut Mistress. If you’ve got a problem, Heidi will be there to help you solve it. Provided it’s a donut-related problem. And it’s Wednesday. Between 10 and 11am. And it’s a problem you can solve by eating donuts; she doesn’t deal with allergies, or anything. 

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Donut Tech

The Dunkin Tiger Stripe bar was a donut manufactured by Dunkin Donuts as an upgrade to the Dunkin Maple Bar. The earlier Maple Bar had introduced liquid frosting, computerized dough injection and two-stage frying to the company's zero-hole donuts. In 1991 Dunkin increased the frosting of the Maple Bar to two layers to create the Tiger Stripe. Both donuts featured the DuoMono concept in which two monkeys were employed in testing the quality of every donut by licking them before sale.
Continuing refinement yielded the next two generations of the Dunkin zero-hole donut, resulting in the Maple Bacon Bar and Chocolate Bar lines.
Mmm. Pre-licked donuts. Come out and have one (or two) tomorrow at 10am. LAP S185

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Kim Quartemont. Kim is really fast. Like, Usain Bolt fast. She can also jump really high. And she can outthink really smart people, like the people in this department. Think of something great? Kim already thought of that. But the great thing is, she’s not the type to rub our noses in it. Instead, she buys us donuts. Thanks, Kim!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Donuts ease the pain.

Since Filipe left us for Portugal over the weekend, there’s been much wailing and gnashing of teeth in mourning in the Alberto Lab. Sara’s immune system completely collapsed, Heidi’s beautiful singing voice completely dissipated, my whole head went numb, and the less said about Nelson’s condition, the better. Then, we remembered that Donuts is tomorrow. And all is suddenly well.
Be there. LAP S185. 10am Wednesdays.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Stefan Schnitzer. Dr. Schnitzer spells his first name the Swedish way, so you can tell he’s a good guy. He’s also a genius, because he figured out that the best place to be during the Milwaukee winter is Panama. While we’re freezing our booties, Dr. Schnitzer is munching fried plantains and thinking about lianas. And then he pays for donuts to remind us all that he’s great. Thanks, Dr. Schnitzer!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Wednesdays are made for donuts.

As anyone who knows me knows, I’m a real creature of habit. I prefer a predictable life.
As a student, it used to be Monday: mountain bike, Tuesday: Rogue Brewery, Wednesday: Donuts, Thursday: mountain bike, Friday: Bier One, Saturday: mountain bike, Sunday: bath. Occasionally I would get work done.
Since there isn’t a forest behind my work anymore, and I hardly go to bars at all, things have changed a bit. There’s more gym days and less bar days, for one. One constant, though, is getting together with my work friends at Wednesday Donuts. It’s so nice to look forward to midweek instead of just the weekend.
You should try it. Even if you don’t want a donut, the weekly chat and coffee is great.
See you there!
Lap S185, 10am Wednesday.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Valeria Sitenkova. Val is a pretty, intelligent Russian woman. If my careful studies of James Bond films are any guide, that means that she’s a spy. There’s a distinct possibility that she’s sending microfilms of our students’ lab work to her handlers in the KGB, or whatever they’re called now…

The other possibility is that we’re just lucky to work with someone like Val, who is good at her job and generous with donut funds. Thanks, Val!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Welcome Back, Donuts

Welcome Back, Donuts is a Portuguese television sitcom starring Filipe Alberto and featuring a young Nelson Coelho.

The show starred stand-up comic/ actor/ assistant professor Filipe Alberto as a wisecracking professor who returns to UWM, after the summer, to teach an often unruly group of remedial loafers known as the "Alberto Lab" (The nickname reflected the fact that the remedial classes were held in the basement). The school's president was perpetually absent, while the uptight vice president dismissed the Alberto Lab as worthless hoodlums and only expected Alberto to attempt to contain them until they inevitably got advanced degrees or professorships.

Most of the major characters of Welcome Back, Donuts were based on people from Alberto's teen years as a remedial high school student in Lisbon. As a stand-up comic, one of Alberto's most popular routines was "Biostatistics", in which he talked in depth about his former classmates. The names of three of the four major characters in Biostatistics were changed for the television series: “Mattias Johansson” was inspired by Matthias Johanssen, “Sara 'Boom Boom' Schaal” was inspired by Heidi “Hotsy Totsy” Hargarten; and "Juan Epstein" was partially inspired by Nelson “Bunny Epstein” Coelho; only "Jack Daniels’" name remained unchanged. (However, in Alberto's stand-up routine, this character was always referred to as "Southern Comfort" which could not be used on network television.)

Donuts, like undergraduates, are back in a big way! Lapham S185, 10:00 Wednesdays.

PS->You know who’s great? Linda Whittingham. She’s supporting our first donuts of the semester, because she’s nice. She’s also a fantastic scientist, mentor, and birder. For some reason, she doesn’t eat donuts, though. But that’s the only black mark on her record. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Wednesday Donut Reception

Now that I’m a married man, and therefore can talk guff with relative impunity (since I don’t have to impress women anymore), I can share with you my opinion that Wednesday Donuts is a lot like a wedding reception. First, the food is good (and it’s usually provided by someone else). Second, you’re surrounded by friends (and sometimes attractive strangers, for the singles). Finally, it goes by way too fast (and doesn’t happen often enough).
If you haven’t been to a reception in a while, or if you have, you should come out to Wednesday Donuts tomorrow and see the reunited cast of “The Alberto Lab featuring Sara Schaal and Friends”.

PS->Donuts provided by Nelson Coelho. Nelson loves lab work. He also loves donuts. And that’s it. He doesn’t love anything else. Except his grandmother, and Portuguese bread. But that’s it. Serious.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Duct Tape, WD-40, and Donuts

Well, I’ve only been back in the lab for two days, doing *gasp* lab work(!), and I’ve already destroyed the lab. Shhhhhh don’t tell Nelson… or Mattias… or Filipe…

I followed all the right procedures and protocols, even yelling, “Stand back! I’m about to do science!!” to  everyone in the lab, which happens to be nobody at the moment (apparently I come back, so everyone leaves). Ok, really, all I’m doing right now is extracting DNA from my kelp samples I collected this summer. It’s pretty neat stuff. While I was out there, I took a small piece from each kelp blade, put that piece in a 2mL test tube, and added a bunch of silica gel to the tube, which rapidly dries out the sample, basically mummifying the tissue and preserving the DNA in it.

In order to extract the DNA from these dried samples, I have to physically break down the tissue. I could chew each sample up, but that wouldn’t taste very good plus there would be too much spit involved. So I use this massive vibrator we have down in the basement to pulverize the tissue. It works really well. Well, today, I went to go use the vibrator, and I blew the fuse (it’s a big vibrator). Not an ideal situation. I need to extract DNA!!

Well, I’m not an electrician, but I remember my daddy telling me anything can be fixed with a little duct tape and WD-40. So I did what any respectable, budding graduate student would do, and duct taped the hell out of the fuse box and the vibrator, and sprayed it down with WD-40. That didn’t work… So I thought, “Hmm… what else might work? Well, Mattias always says donuts are the answer to everything, so I must try donuts next”. I’m not really sure how to apply donuts to electrical stuff… maybe I’ll squish a jelly donut into the outlets… that might work…


PS Donuts this week are brought to you by Dr. Hutz. Dr. Hutz is from Salzburg, Austria. Before he came over to the US, and became an extremely accomplished biologist, he was a mountain yodeler. He holds the recorded for the most mountains yodeled on in Austria (all of them), he can out yodel Julie Andrews, and he once saved a small Austrian village by scaring away a herd of trolls with his mighty yodel.

Indiana Donut

Comrades!! Friends!! Beloved Colleagues!!

As some of you may have noticed, I've been gone awhile, due to my second job working as my alter ego alias, Indiana Donut. This summer, I embarked on an adventure to the distant land of central California to study the elusive and mysterious donuts of the west coast. My goal was to study and learn from these exotic donuts, and bring them back to the donut museum, where others could enjoy and delight in their sugary sweet wonder. My journey was treacherous, fraught with danger and gangs of donut-mongering nazis trying to eat what donuts they could and destroy those they could not, those jerks. Anyways... After many weeks of solo, undercover work, I was reunited with my faithful companions, Short Bread and Dr. Boston Cream, for a short time. Rejuvenated from my companions' visit, I was able to single handedly rescue every single donut from the California Donut Nazis, and even a fair maiden or two from their greasy donut dungeons. Want to know how I did it? Well, you'll have to come to donuts tomorrow to hear the epic conclusion!

Wednesday Donuts. I'll be there. So should you.

Yours Truly,
Indiana Donut

PS Donuts this week are brought to you by Dr. Colin Scanes. Dr. Scanes is a world traveler with a secret alter ego as well. When he's not in the lab injecting chickens with various growth hormones, he's 'oot and aboot' masquerading under the cover of darkness as Sir Super-Awesome-English-Donut-Justice-Dude, fighting for justice, and battling donut haters in donut shoppes everywhere.

Lonely Donuts

With Mattias gone that leaves me very much alone in the lab so I decided to write a song…

Lonely… I’m Ms. Lonely …
I have no labmates for my own…
I am so lonely… I’m Ms. Lonely…
I have all these donuts, but no labmates to share them with …

Now I’m a researcher… a lonely researcher ..
That only wants to have donuts all day long… So come join me for some donuts… Otherwise I’ll eat them all alone and sing this song…

So to avoid breaking any eardrums of hallway passersby please join me at Wednesday donuts this week! Lapham S185 10AM.


P.S. --> Donuts this week courtesy of Elizabeth Muslin! Ever catch yourself wondering how your biology lab is set up with such perfection and superiority compared to all other labs… well all thanks goes to Elizabeth Muslin! She’s had to change her email 6 times because other departments send her daily emails trying to recruit her...I heard a rumor that the donuts keep her here :)

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Last ever donuts!

… for me as a single guy.

That’s right: after this week, I’m off to get married to my sweetheart, Sarah.
After we’ve repeated after the officiant, eaten a few dozen horse deserves whore durves hors d’ oeuvres (and a cupcake or two), and built a couple of kayaks, I’ll be back here to munch donuts as a married guy. How will it be different?
1. I won’t be able to double fist donuts anymore. I don’t want frosting in my wedding band.
2. I’ll be able to eat A LOT more donuts. I’ll already have landed a girl, so I can let myself go.
3. My boring stories will be a lot more efficient. “My wife” is quicker to say than “my girlfriend”. Since I’ll still be desperate to prove that I’m cool, “my motorcycle” will still feature heavily, however.
4. Otherwise, it’ll be pretty much the same.

Be there: Wednesday, 10 am, LAP S185.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Chuck Wimpee. Chuck understands that science is a social pursuit, and is therefore a longstanding supporter of donuts. We’re lucky to have him in our department. Thanks, Chuck!

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


I just got back from a motorcycle ride to the donut shop, and it occurred to me that really, the best things in life are the simple things: a summer evening, an Italian motorcycle, and a fresh donut. You’ll have to stand for your own motorcycles, but the summer evenings are numerous and free, and donuts comes every Wednesday at 10. Be there.

Donuts is in a secret special location tomorrow: Lapham N202

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ona Alminas and Liz Kierepka and a third, super-secret anonymous donor. Mmmm, mysterioso.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Donuts in California

Free Passage!
Emigration to California
The Directors of the California Donut Company hereby give notice that they are ready to receive applications for Free Passage to their First and Principal Settlement, from Bakers, Sugar Boilers, and Biologists, being attractive, and not exceeding 40 years of age. Strict inquiry will be made as to qualifications and character. The Company’s Emigrant Ships will sail from Milwaukee early in September next.
Further particulars and printed forms of application may be obtained at the Company’s Offices.

I think I’ll apply.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of our very own Department Chair, Daad Saffarini. Daad chairs the heck out of this department. She makes all the other department chairs look like department squares. Another department asked her to chair them, too. When she said no, they disbanded the department rather than accept some lesser substitute. Sometimes Daad also sits in a chair, when she chairs.

Sara's First Donut Email (Wednesday Donut Reminder!!)

Although Mattias is lying around catching some rays in the sunny state of California, my undercover carrier pigeon Peggy informed me that he would much rather be here in the far superior Milwaukee, Wisconsin for the most beloved event of the week, Wednesday donuts!

Reasons why Wisconsin is better than California:

Better donuts. This is so well known it doesn’t need statistical evidence to support it.

Better cheese. Wisconsin produces over 600 varieties of cheese made from the milk of our premium cows, and California only produces 250 from their inferior cows. Another fun fact, Wisconsin won 94 awards in the 2012 World Cheese Championship Contest and California won a whopping 3....

Lake Michigan is better than the Pacific Ocean. I mean come on..if given the option I think everyone would rather take a dip in Lake Michigan, than the Pacific Ocean. No brainer.

Better donuts. Okay just to keep it the facts coming… the local Pick n’ Save bakers at 1100 E Garfield Ave come in at 2 AM every Wednesday morning so they have enough time to ensure that the quality of the UWM Biology Departments donuts is to the very best standards and can be found nowhere else in the world, especially in comparison to the pitiful monstrosities that California bakers produce.

Better beer. Wisconsin has an unprecedented 70+ breweries including large breweries, microbreweries and brewpubs. California can only boast having just over 30…embarrassing.

Better people. All the statistics show that Wisconsinites are much more fun to hang out with compared to California beach bums, because we all know that is all they do in California.

Oh and of course better donuts!

Now Peggy is off to see what Mattias’s reaction is…If this doesn’t get him on the first flight back to Milwaukee to make it back in time for donuts, than you all must join in the donut picture messaging tomorrow morning! So don’t miss Wednesday donuts Lapham S185, 10am.

-Matilda (Mattias’s evil twin)

P.S. -> Donuts this week are courtesy of Dr. Emily Latch! Dr. Latch has been a frequent supporter of Wednesday donuts by her generous donations. When not devoting her time to her own research, Dr. Latch enjoys challenging fellow colleagues to pipetting contests. It is rumored she challenged our very own Nelson “the Flash” Castilho to a PCR plate filling contest and filled 100 plates in the blink of an eye. Nelson hasn't been the same since….

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Summer Donuts!

Milwaukee in summer
Mosquitos drink their fill
Soaked with sweat, or
Soaked with rain, while
Thunder scares the cat
Back under the bed

I’d rather be out, on
The trail, or motorbike
Mud (or bugs) on my face
Sun on my neck, and arms
Glory in the beauty
Of active summer days

I still have Donuts, though
Reminding me, each Wednesday
That colleagues, and coffee
And air conditioning
Still exist, and bring
Energy and smiles to work

Donuts. Lap S185, 10am Wednesday.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Tony Paladino. Tony drives a race car to work. He owns half of the Michigan U.P. (he’s planning to rename it Paladinovania). Tony invented kettle chips and avocados. He has a graduate degree so advanced, it requires a PhD to pronounce the title. He also has a generous heart, since he supports Donuts. Thanks, Tony!

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Birthday Donuts

With my birthday coming up this week (it’s Thursday, and they have some fun cards at the bookstore, hint, hint), I’ve been thinking over the accumulated wisdom of my 36 long years on this Earth. Here are some gems I culled from the collection (i.e. made up just now):
1. Life is like a box of donuts. You can’t avoid getting greasy and sticky if you’re doing it right.
2. You can eat donuts and lose weight. Ask me how.
3. People tell you the most enjoyable things in life (donuts, motorcycles, mountain biking) will kill you, then waste their lives with a bag of chips and “Survivor”. Frankly, I’d rather go out the way my grandfather did: ramping his motorcycle over a big pile of mountain bikes and donuts.
4. No one ever came to Wednesday Donuts and regretted that they didn’t spend the time with their computer instead.
Wednesday Donuts, back in LAP S185. 10:00.

PS-> Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. John Berges. Dr. Berges is like a real-life most interesting man in the world. He’s from an exotic foreign country (Canada), he’s married to an exotic foreign beauty (from the Southern Hemisphere, no less), and he’s lived in a lot of exotic places (Wisconsin, Canada, Scandinavia). He’s also very generous with his exotic money (he supports donuts). Exotic.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Success in the workplace: Donuts

Just thought I’d share a few tips for success at work that I’ve picked up over my long career:
1. Send emails (like this one) at crazy hours of night or really early in the morning so that people think you work absurdly long hours.
2. Get a helper monkey to answer the phone. If no monkeys are available, an undergraduate will work nearly as well.
3. Organize a weekly event involving donuts. Get someone else to set up the event, and recruit volunteers to pay the costs. Then, send out an irreverent invitation each week, with your name and websites all over it, so that you get all the glory (such as it is).

PS->Donuts this week courtesy the Alberto Lab’s own Sara Schaal. Although Sara spells her name the evil way, with no H, she is actually a pretty good person. Before she came to work in the lab, she operated her own knife-fighting academy out of her basement. That’s why she’s so great at slicing donuts. Ask to see her moves at your own risk.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Donut Workout, Part 1

Since I bike past the Klotsche Center every day, I consider myself something of a fitness expert. So, I’ve decided to put together a workout we can do to make room for extra donuts.
Today’s exercise: Donut Bicep Curls
Start with a half donut in each hand, elbows and forearms resting on the table. Advanced fitness types can use whole donuts. Alternating hands, raise the donut to your mouth and take a small bite (the donuts have to last the whole set), then lower your arms to the table. That’s one rep. Repeat for 8-10 reps. Grab more donuts and repeat for three sets.
We can all practice together at Wednesday Donuts. 10am, LAP S185.

PS-> Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Julie Oliver. Dr. Oliver doesn’t often make it to donuts, but she is a long-standing supporter of the concept (and now, of the actual event). She’s also an excellent scientist. Also, she once met Ringo Starr at Heathrow Airport. So, good stuff all ‘round. Thanks, Dr. Oliver!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Donut Telegram from Heidi!

I got this telegram from Heidi yesterday, thought I’d share it with you all.



Wednesday Donuts, 10am, LAP S185.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Mark McBride. Dr. McBride is internationally famous for hosting “Mark McBride Presents: Biology Colloquium” every Friday during the term. His in-depth introduction technique has been known to upstage many a speaker, and always leaves audiences demanding more. But, Dr. McBride is also modest, and consistently and generously refuses to take over the presentation every week. Dr. McBride’s generosity also comes out in his unwavering support of Wednesday Donuts. Thanks, Mark!

Monday, June 3, 2013

Variable weather, steady donuts

I don’t know what’s going on with the weather lately… one minute you’re mountain biking in the sunshine, the next minute your underpants are soaked through by a thunderstorm on the walk to work (that might have been several minutes later, actually). That’s the beauty of donuts. It’s steady, reliable, and won’t soak your behind. Come enjoy some predictability. Wednesday, LAP S185, 10am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Chuck Wimpee. Dr. Wimpee is a seasoned scientist, with a respectable mustache. He also remembers what it was like to be a grad student, and the value of free food (donuts, for example). That’s why he’s a longstanding supporter of Wednesday Donuts. It might not be the reason he’s a cool guy (that would be the mustache), but it definitely helps.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Freedom and Donuts!

Finally, we’ve seen the back of another term, we’re free of teaching and learning responsibilities, and we’ve got time for science! Now’s our best chance to reconnect with colleagues and department friends over a donut and coffee. Come out and reminisce about the days before you got buried under a mountain of teaching responsibilities. You’ll find nothing but sympathy and donuts in Lap S185, 10:00 Wednesday.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Jennifer Gutzman. Judging from her webpage, Dr. Gutzman is very intelligent. She’s wearing specs in her official picture. She works on brains, which a bunch of biology nerds like us have to love (since, as scientists we’re defined by our brains first, and our beauty second). Dr. Gutzman is also a friend of donuts, and we have to love that, too. Thanks, Dr. G!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

How to Make Donuts

I was cruising the InterTubes the other day and came across this sweet video on how to make donuts:
Wouldn’t you know, the origin was Swedish? Man, those guys are great.
Come out and enjoy the fruits of that Swedish ingenuity tomorrow at 10:00. Lap S185.

PS-> Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Douglas “Doug E. Steebs” Steeber. Not only does Steebs have a sweet rapper name, but he also dabbles in fine art as you can see from his “Arrangement in Red, Blue, and Green
And his “Study in Scarlet
Tack on the fact that he’s got a motorcycle and a lymphocyte for a best friend, and you’ve got yourself a true renaissance man. Thanks, Doug!

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Softly, softly, catchee donut.

I really needed a snack the other day. Last Wednesday, maybe it was. I’d had a big piece of cookie cake, but the sugar rush was a bit too rushed, you know? So I decided to go find a donut. I knew that the best source was PicknSave on North, so I went there and set up a snare. An hour later and none of the first eight people I caught had any donuts. So I just went in and bought one. And because I’d waited, it was delicious. The moral of the story is: patience is key. As they say, “softly, softly, catchee donut.”

PS->This week’s donuts courtesy of our very own Dr. Gyaneshwar “GP” Prasad. Did you know that GP used to race motorcycles in his native India? He won a regional championship riding for Mahindra Motorcycles when he was a teenager, but a crash (and a concerned mother) made him refocus on a career in biology. In fact, he originally got the nickname GP from friends who noticed the initials Dr. Prasad shares with “Grand Prix”…
Believe It, or Not.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Kory Breuer: Donut Hero

As most of you will have heard already, Kory Breuer, our office superman, is leaving the Bio Department after Friday. So, we’re celebrating how great he is at this week’s Wednesday Donuts. If you’ve never come before, you should come now, just because Kory’s great.
I first met Kory when we were both members of the Army’s elite SEALIONs special operations group (like the Navy SEALS, except more badass, plus with external ear flaps). I can remember our first mission together like it was yesterday: we were tasked with supergluing a rainbow clown wig to Syria’s Bashar al-Assad so he’d look even sillier than usual. There were five of us: “Dutch”, “Hutch”, “Butch”, Kory “Rocket Monkey” Breuer, and me, “Donut King”. We inserted into Damascus dressed as a troupe of Canadian clowns, with machine guns, wigs, and glue hidden in guitar cases. That’s when things started to go wrong. When we landed, I accidentally slammed my thumb in the airplane door. Kory was the one to help me open it back up. Honestly, he saved my life that day. If he hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t be able to give a left-handed thumbs up anymore. After that, we drove around for a while, looking for al-Assad. Since we couldn’t find him, we glued the wig to a guy selling fruit at a stall and went home.
It’s times like those that really let you know a person. Kory was there for me then, and he’s been there for all of us since he came to Biological Sciences. Whether you jammed the printer with transparencies, or locked yourself out of your lab, or needed a different flavor of Laffy Taffy than banana, Kory was the guy to help. Presumably, he also had real work to do when he wasn’t dealing with my trivial BS.
Thanks, Kory. Your awesomeness will definitely be missed.
Donuts, LAP S185 10am Wednesday

PS->Donuts (and, rumor has it, other snacks) provided this week by Kim Quartemont.

The Secret of Donuts

A history lesson! The first ever Donut Wednesday happened in Newport, Oregon in September of 2007. The idea originated in a meeting between Hatfield Director George Boehlert and HSO representatives MLJ and Marisa Litz. Also, everyone was vampires. Marisa suggested the idea, MLJ started writing inane emails, and history was made! Now, come be a part of history! Wednesday, 10am, Lap S185.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of yours truly, MLJ! Not only did MLJ invent donuts, but he has also ridden his bicycle up to 100 miles in a single day. He has a cat called Bunny. Also, a motorcycle. He gave his car away to charity. He plays the bass guitar. He supports Wednesday Donuts. You should, too.

Stairway to Donuts

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for coffee.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of pastry through the trees,
And the voices of those who come join in.

You should come join in, too. LAP S185, 10am Wednesday.

PS->Donut this week courtesy of the Latch Girls: Brittany, Liz, Ona, Rachel, and Katie (if she ponies up). These ladies will dance rings around you, drink you under the table, take some samples, do an analysis, and publish a paper about how even your DNA says that you’re lame before breakfast. After breakfast, they’re on Facebook.

Wednesday Donuts!

It sounds like hardly anyone saw last week’s email (for whatever reason). So, I’ll just recycle the key points:

Donut Comrades! A call to arms!
Our current donut coordinator, Heidi L Hargarten, B.S., B.S.C., S.S.C., will be heading off on a field work adventure for most of the summer. So, we’re looking for a hiatus replacement to buy and set up donuts every Wednesday. We thought about just shaving a monkey, but realized that the ideal candidate would have a car (or at least a bus pass) to collect the donuts at the store. It’s light work, and you can lick your fingers while you cut the donuts (I assume that’s what Heidi does). If you’re interested, let us know.
In the meantime, come to donuts. Wednesday, 10am, LAP S185.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Sonia Bardy! Dr. Bardy works on several delicious strains of bacteria. If you’re ever in her lab, you should lick a variety of surfaces. It’s just like Willy Wonka’s place.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

It's Wednesday! Also, Donuts!

Donut Comrades! A call to arms!
Our current donut coordinator, Heidi L Hargarten, B.S., B.S.C., S.S.C., will be heading off on a field work adventure for most of the summer. So, we’re looking for a hiatus replacement to buy and set up donuts every Wednesday. We thought about just shaving a monkey, but realized that the ideal candidate would have a car (or at least a bus pass) to collect the donuts at the store. It’s light work, and you can lick your fingers while you cut the donuts (I assume that’s what Heidi does). If you’re interested, let us know.
In the meantime, come to donuts. 10am, LAP S185.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Colin Scanes. Dr. Scanes is an Englishman of some kind, which makes him automatically handsomer and suaver than the rest of us. When Dr. Scanes lectures, or just talks to people in the hallway, they get an irresistible urge to write “I love you” on their eyelids, like in Indiana Jones. Seriously. Men and women both.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Donuts are Delish

I’ve eaten a lot of delicious stuff in my time; pickled fish, fried fish, fried fish that’s been pickled. But I keep coming back to donuts as a favorite. Maybe it’s because they’re associated with good friends and beloved colleagues, I don’t know, but Wednesday at 10 is a high point of the week. Make it a high point of your week, too, by coming out to LAP S185 this morning.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of the Alberto Lab’s own Nelson Coelho. Nelson used to be the military dictator of Peru. Then, a CIA plot stole his dictator beard from the nightstand while he slept and he had to flee the country. He has since reinvented himself as an expert at molecular lab techniques, but he dreams of the day when he can afford a new beard and return to South America…

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

First Donuts of Spring

I first realized that I was a scientist when my idea of breaks changed from, “Woohoo! I can do laundry at Mom and Dad’s house!” to “Woohoo! Now that all the students are gone, I can catch up on my research!”. So, since you all think the same thing, come out, enjoy the empty hallways, and share a donut break with your beloved colleagues. Tomorrow, Lap S185.

PS->Donuts courtesy of Dr. Emily Latch. Dr. Latch is friendly and cheerful, but she also takes her science very seriously. Once, at a conference, she kicked a guy through a wall (just like Jackie Chan) because he suggested that maybe blacktail and mule deer really ARE one species. You should try that yourself. It’ll be great.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Mysterious Donut Stranger

Something mysterious happened at donuts last week. A tall(ish), dark(ish), handsome-from-some-angles stranger made an appearance at our little social. He coolly selected a donut, filled his cup with Heidi’s finest browned water, made a generous-by-some-standards donation, and disappeared into the crowd, having spoken to no one. Who was this mysterious stranger? Our only hope is that he reappears this week. Perhaps he will talk to us. If you want to enjoy the mystery yourself, you should also come to donuts. 10am Wednesday, Lapham S185.

PS-> Donuts this week courtesy of the Alberto Lab’s own Heidi “H-bomb” Hargarten. Not only is Heidi related to the world famous “Daaaancin’ Piiiiirate”, but she also holds Guinness Records for most oysters admired in a day, and most marshmallows eaten during a seminar. Thanks, Heidi!

A classic from the archive

Have you ever been in love?
You know, the way you can remember every detail, even after they're gone?
The way they feel, the way they smell, the way they make your fingers greasy when you touch them?

That's how I feel about donuts.

Come join the us this morning in the LAP S185 (10:00) for coffee and love.

We'd also love it if you gave us your money.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Kory Breuer. Before he joined the Department of BS, Kory was the CEO of a major childrens’ charity. Concerned that he wasn’t doing enough, he decided he wanted to work to help the really helpless: undergraduates. And so he joined the Biology Staff at UWM. Thanks for everything you do, Kory!

Friday, March 1, 2013

Heidi's First Donut Email!

Mattias left for Oregon this weekend, and will sadly be missing donuts on Wednesday. Even more sadly, I have been left all alone in the cold, dark basement. Being alone, with nobody to talk to, my mind started to wander back to happier days, when the sun was warm and I got to play with fish. I was thinking, “Boy, I sure do miss field work. Too bad I won’t be starting mine for another couple of months.” And then I remembered that I had to get donuts for this week, which is the only time I get to venture outside, because Mattias never lets me have any fun writing code is too much fun. That’s when a spark of genius hit me… Donut Population Genetics! I searched Web of Science, and there haven’t been any donut population genetic studies done, EVER! This is an unprecedented breakthrough!!!!!!!! I found a new thesis project! Kelps can wait! Donuts can’t! They get stale… or eaten….

Donuts. Be there.

PS: Our gracious donut benefactor this week is none other than Biology department’s own version of Chuck Norris…. Dr. Jeff Karron! Jeff Karron doesn’t study evolution. Evolution studies Jeff Karron.

Wednesday Sconuts!

Friends! Biologists! Countrymen! (Countrypersons?)
Lend me your ear!
Today is a very special Wednesday Donuts. Our very own Best Friend of Donuts (also, Department Chair)(also, top-notch researcher), Dr. Daad Saffarini, is baking scones (has baked scones, probably) for this morning. There will also be awesome donuts. Be there or be square.

PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Gerlinde Hoebel. Gerlinde once tricked me into eating raw fish on a tortilla chip in front of Filipe Alberto and Rafa Rodriguez. Something to do with Chevy Chase, I guess. After that, Filipe offered me a job. Coincidence? I think not.

Donut Wednesday, with apologies to Motorhead

If you like the pastries, I tell you I'm your man
Coffee buzz, sugar rush, it's all the same to me
The best day is Wednesday, it makes no difference what you say
I don't share your greed, the only thing I need is
Donut Wednesday
Donut Wednesday


PS->Donuts this week courtesy Kim Quartemont. When she’s not busy being awesome at her job, Kim works out at the Klotsche Center. One time, she lifted a graduate student over her head and spun him around. I’m not saying he asked a stupid question, but, you know, watch your step.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Donuts or Motorcycle Gang

I know some people are concerned about the productivity they would lose if they came to donuts. I think my case illustrates the huge productivity gains to be enjoyed by spending a half hour (or an hour) a week with colleagues and coffee.
You see, I found myself with a free hour a week early this year. My initial thought was, I should start a motorcycle murder gang with my friends Justin and Kristen. Unfortunately, with the price of chains and gasoline being so high, and the way running from the fuzz tends to extend a motorcycle ride indefinitely, I wasn’t sure I could afford it or confine it to an hour a week. Plus, Heidi doesn’t have a motorcycle yet, so she’d be left out.
Instead, we decided to get together with our beloved colleagues for a little midweek snack.
You should come check it out, too. You’ll never miss that half hour, and you might meet a future collaborator, or postdoc. Wednesday donuts, Lap S185.

PS->Donuts courtesy of Filipe Alberto. Filipe is not only multi-lingual (Portunhol and R, to name a couple), but he also used to be a hand model for Fisher Scientific. Serious. Ask him about it at donuts.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Health Benefits of Donuts

My friend Kasey was sick yesterday. No one likes to be sick, but I thought, “it’s a shame it didn’t happen on Donut Wednesday, since donuts have so many well-known health benefits.”
For example, did you know that the sugar in donuts has antibacterial properties? It’s the same thing as in jam. Donuts don’t rot, they go stale. Then they rise up and smite your enemies.
The complex carbohydrates in donuts give you the energy you need to do quality science, mentor the heck out of your students, or fix the carburetor in your ’74 Ducati 900SS.
The little bit of fat in a donut helps to lubricate the gears in your brain so that you can think better, and also makes you more beautiful. Nobody likes those dry, skinny models in magazines, anyway.

Come to donuts (10am, LAP S185). It’ll do you good.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Elizabeth Muslin. Elizabeth once set up a lab so well, a philosophy student walking by changed his major. Instantly. With ESP.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

(Not) Evil Donuts

Here in NB14, we plan a lot of evil schemes. You know, because it’s a basement, and that’s the kind of thing you do. Unfortunately, a lot of our schemes have been going wrong lately. For example, we had the idea of taking over the world by stealing all the toilet flush valves from campus. Sadly, someone else got there first, so now we just really need to go to the bathroom.
We decided recently to try our hand at a non-evil scheme. While we brainstormed, I told Heidi to buy me a donut subtly hinted to Heidi that I would think better with a donut and coffee. She didn’t have any money. So we thought to ourselves: you know who has money? Other people.
Presto! A scheme is born.

Wednesday donuts. 10am, LAP S185. BYO mug, donation, smiling visage.

Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Chuck Wimpee. Chuck’s mustache does more science in a day than your whole body does in a week, slacker.


Once upon a time... Wednesday Donuts!

Once upon a time there were two scientists.
One scientist came to Wednesday donuts and enjoyed the company of her colleagues and got published in Science.
The other scientist stayed in his office, writing boring papers that nobody read, and boring proposals that NSF never funded, until he got killed by a falling North Korean satellite.

Wednesday donuts: 10am, LAP S185. BYO mug, cheery face, and (optional) donation.

Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Erica Young: UWM’s answer to Jane Goodall, except with pitcher plants. Seriously, they’ve accepted her into their society and everything. Thanks, Dr. Young!


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Come to Donuts!

Come to donuts in LAP S185, 10am. Otherwise, we’ll think you’re one of THOSE people. You know the ones. Scaly, both eyes on the same side of their heads…
Actually, I might be thinking of halibut…


New and Improved: Wednesday Donuts!

Remember when you interviewed, all those nice people you met in the Biology Department? As it turns out, they didn’t all quit to become comedians, or take one-way cruises to the Antarctic. They’re still here! They just don’t leave their offices any more than you do…

To remedy the situation, GOBS (and the Alberto Lab) cordially invite you to the new and improved WEDNESDAY DONUTS, every Wednesday at 10:00am in Lapham S185.

Bring your own mug (ideally). The coffee and donuts are free, but consider donating a couple of bucks to support your local graduate students.

Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Daad Saffarini, the best Department Chair in the world (by miles).

PS->You don’t have to like donuts. We just want you to come talk to us while we eat them.

A Phoenix Rises!

Since I moved to my new position at University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee, I've found myself missing the comradeship and sugar rush of Wednesday Donuts. So, with help from junior colleagues (students) and the support of the Biology Department, I've created a new Wednesday Donuts for the new place. So, the Donut Emails are back too! Look for weekly updates here at the Donuteria.