Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Donuts from THE FUTURE!

Do you have trouble getting to donuts on a weekly basis? Are you desperately afraid that a stray calorie might adhere itself to your middle? Are you paralyzed by the thought of having to speak to your colleagues for even a half hour a week? Thanks to your dear friends at Black Belt Clown, your problems are about to be solved.
These donuts, which you can make yourself, have zero calories, zero social requirements, and you can make them anytime, and anywhere. Because they’re futuristic, you can also avoid the hassle of taste, smell, and mouthfeel in favor of everyone’s favorite donut feature: the appearance. Do you love just looking at donuts like I do? If so, your moment has arrived:
And, if you’ve got $0.99 burning a hole in your pocket:
Non-electronic donuts: LAP S185, Wednesday at 10:00.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of the three nicest girls to ever commit themselves to a life of non-Ecology: Sampada Kharade, Surashree Kulkarni, and Kristen Bertling. Really, these women are amazing. You know those seminars where they mention hedgehogs at the beginning and then you don’t understand another word? These three ladies UNDERSTAND THOSE SEMINARS. And they’re generous with their money, too. Thanks!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Pick your donut!

You can pick your friends
You can pick your nose
But you can’t pick your friend’s nose
If you pick your nose, you can’t pick your friend’s donut, either.

Donuts, 10:a, LAP S185


Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Mutual Donut Network

Have you noticed that there are some people who just never come to donuts? Or maybe they used to go, but they don’t anymore? I was reading my MUFON newsletter the other day, and it turns out that these people are probably ALIEN REPLICANTS! It turns out that the evil lizardmen (and lizardwomen, too; it’s not an invasion of sexists) can’t tolerate the pure, wholesome donut deliciousness. It melts them, or something.
What can you do? First, demonstrate your loyalty to the human race by coming to donuts EVERY WEEK.
Second, if you have a friend, labmate, or boss who doesn’t attend, squash a donut against their face. When they dissolve, you’ll know why they never had time for a break on a Wednesday morning.
Be careful out there. And keep watching the skies.

PS-> The following people chipped in for donuts this week:
Leah Doughty (not a replicant)
Xiaogang Wu (not a replicant)
Xiaochen Yuan (not a replicant)
Liwei Fang (possibly a replicant)
Dr. Ching-Hong Yang (definitely a replicant, since he makes excuses every time we invite him to donuts)
Daniel Ross-Greinke (probably a replicant)

Didn’t chip in:

William Hutchins (definitely a replicant) would have chipped in, but he spent all his money on crop circle patterns for his UFO.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

A classic from the donut archive

The National Donut Society Field Guide to North American Donuts
by Mattias Johansson

With more than 700 donuts detailed with color photographs and descriptive text, this is the most comprehensive photographic field guide to the donuts of North America. The 762 full-color identification photographs show the donuts as they appear in natural habitats. Organized visually, the book groups all donuts by color and shape to make identification simple and accurate in the field, while the text account for each donut species includes a detailed physical description, information on edibility, season, habitat, range, look-alikes, alternative names, and facts on edible and poisonous species, uses, and donut folklore. A supplementary section on cooking and eating wild donuts, and illustrations identifying the parts of a donut, round out this essential guide. 

Come test your donut-identifying skills Wednesday @ 10:00 in the Donut Lounge (LAP S185)!

PS-> Donuts this week courtesy of the nice folks in GP’s lab: Shubhajit “Mitra” Mitra, Justin "The Guy One" Speck, Seema “The Girl One” Das, and Adwaita “the all-powerful warrior who, because of their endurance and inflexible will to win, shall go from conquest to conquest, leaving fire in their wake” Parida. What a great bunch of lads. Thanks, GP’s Team!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013


Sociable moment
Toroidal sublimity
Wednesday morning, ten

Ideally, bring your own mug. LAP S185

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Another donut miracle achieved!

As most of you know, I take a deep and abiding interest in health and nutrition in my role as Donut Email Coordinator. That’s why I've been so concerned about the rise of pumpkin intolerance (PI) in recent years. Although many people are sure that it’s all due to Monsanto spraying poisons from commercial airliners, I have yet to be convinced of this as the primary cause. Unfortunately, outside of intensive psychotherapy, there is still no cure for PI.
That’s why I’m so happy to announce a breakthrough by the food scientists at Dunkin Donuts. These hard-working individuals have finally managed to develop a Pumpkin Pie Donut that is completely, 100%, pumpkin free! If you've been struggling with PI, unable to enjoy the horrible fall beers that come around every year, and forced to avoid all the best baked goods, Dunkin has the answer:

Donuts, 10am Wednesday. LAP S185.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of the lovely ladies of the Leopard Lounge (formerly the Cheetah Garden, formerly the Housecat House): Ambi Henschen, Rachel Toldness, and Katie Barry. Orphaned at a young age, and raised as sisters by a pack of feral cats, the ladies have developed the ability to do quality science while simultaneously feeling sorry for anyone who doesn't live in a house named after cats. Thanks, Catgirls!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Healthy and Delicious Donuts

Worlds healthiest donut? I don’t know. It’s probably one of those with fruit inside. The red ones, I guess. I think they might have raspberry seeds. Or those might be spider eggs. Either way: healthylicious.

Donuts: 10am LAP S185.

Wondering about donuts?

You know what I’ve always wondered? Why the heck do people say someone “looks at life through rose-scented glasses”? What kind of stupid expression is that?
Find out the answer to that, and all of life’s other mysteries at Wednesday Donuts. Today, 10am, LAP S185.


What's more fun than donuts?

Donuts: it’s more fun than being robbed by a man dressed as a shrimp.
Donuts: it’s more fun than being pushed off a cliff by your new wife.
Donuts: it’s more fun than stubbing your toe on the skull of poor Yorick.
Be there. LAP S185, 10am.

Beautiful Donuts

You know, donuts is a lot like the public library at Ibiza (or Daytona Beach, if you prefer) during spring break: it’s full of beautiful men and women, discussing esoteric topics and looking good.
And you definitely want to be there.
Lap S185, 10:00.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Donut Professorship Questions

Dear Dr. Kruller,
I am a postdoc in Bakeriological Sciences at UW – Milwaukee, and I’m looking for my next professional opportunity. I saw the recent announcement of an Assistant Professor of Fryer Operations position at the University of Bismarck and had a few questions.
1. My research requires some minimal equipment: fryer, dough cutters in round and rectangular, donut-licking monkey, etc.. Are there startup funds available for this equipment?
2. What are the caloric intake requirements for faculty? The announcement mentions five donuts per day as the standard faculty load. Are new faculty allowed to taper up to this level?
3. My research focuses on filled donuts and their impact on society. Is there a possibility of developing a course on this topic in the first year?
Thank you in advance for your time.
Looking forward to hearing from you,

PS-> Wednesday Donuts, LAP S185, 10am

PPS-> Donuts this week courtesy of Heidi Hargarten, Donut Mistress. If you’ve got a problem, Heidi will be there to help you solve it. Provided it’s a donut-related problem. And it’s Wednesday. Between 10 and 11am. And it’s a problem you can solve by eating donuts; she doesn’t deal with allergies, or anything.