Wednesday, May 20, 2009

How to Write a Donut Email

Donut Enthusiasts,

During the time I’ve been writing these emails, a lot of people have asked me how I come up with my ideas. I have usually said that they just come to me when it’s time to write, but that’s not entirely true. I’ve decided to come clean about my process…

So, without further introduction, here is how I write my weekly donut emails:

First, I get out my copy of La Mia Vita di Corrispondenza Pomodoro by Ettore Boiardi and find an unmarked page. Then, I translate from the Italian and transcribe the letter into an email. In every case where Boiardi uses the word “tomato”, I replace with “donut”. I sign MLJ at the bottom, and click send. Finally, I mark the page with the date, put a copy on the blog, and replace the book on the shelf. Done for the week!

So, there you have my secret method for writing a hilarious email. If you guys don’t mind that none of the ideas are original, I’m happy to continue.

Now, don’t forget to come have a donut with us this morning…


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Donut Triathlon

Dear Donut Athlete,

As a result of your impressive performance at one or more previous Wednesday donut competitions, you are invited to take part in the First Annual Hatfield Donut Triathlon. The event will take place on Wednesday, May 13, 2009 at 10:00. The event is a stage race, consisting of the following disciplines: 1. Eat a Bismarck. 2. Eat a bear claw. 3. Eat a maple bar. The top three finishers in Men’s, Women’s, and Children’s divisions will each receive a cinnamon twist and a cup of coffee. Enter at


Saturday, May 9, 2009

Donut Rhyme

In 1851 Lucretia Allyn Gurney came to Oregon and settled near what is now Oswego. She passed this donut recipe down to her children and grandchildren.

“1 cup of sugar, 1 cup of milk,
2 eggs beaten as fine as silk;
Salt and nutmeg, lemon will do,
Baking powder teaspoons two;
Lightly stir the flour in,
Roll on pie-board, not too thin.
Drop with care the doughy things
Into the fat that briskly swells
Evenly the spongy cells.
Watch with care the time for turning,
Fry them brown just short of burning.
Roll in sugar, serve them cool.
Price a quarter for this rule.”

Source: Josephine County Historical Society & Junior League of Eugene

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The Miraculous Power of Donuts to Heal


As many of you will undoubtedly have heard (since I have been milking it for all it’s worth), I had a HORRIBLE ACCIDENT while mountain biking on Friday. As I was riding down a hill, a tree branch got jammed into my eye and, presumably, close to my brain. Luckily, I had a qualified veterinarian and several highly-trained CPR and Sea Safety experts to help me get out of the woods and to the emergency room. While I was at the emergency room, and for a couple of days afterward, I had several miraculous experiences that I want to tell you about. While the emergency room doctor was examining and cleaning my eye, the thought of donuts came unbidden into my mind. By focusing on this amazing visitation, I was able to survive having my eye UV stained, cleaned, and examined with the brightest light I’ve ever seen. I am convinced that without the intercession of the powerful donut, I would have died. Later, after I was home, and under the miraculous influence of Vicodin, I had a visitation from the Great Donut. The Great Donut said to me, “Many of your tribe fail to attend my services on Wednesday morning. By a series of miracles, you have been chosen to bring the word of the donut to the masses. You will receive further signs in the coming hours and days. Show them to your people, that they may believe in my power and worship me.” I woke up that night in immense pain (since the Vicodin had worn off). I got up and applied eye drops, and the terrible pain caused me to faint on my bathroom floor. At this time, the Great Donut came to me again and said “Tell your people about my power to heal. Now, wake up.” Instantly, I woke up. I spent all of Saturday taking Vicodin and dreaming of donuts. Every time I woke up I felt slightly better. Near the end of the day, after I took my last Vicodin, the Grand Donut came to me again and said “I will give you a material proof that you can bring before your people to show them my power”. When I woke up Sunday morning, I felt almost entirely better. However, it felt as though I still had something in my eye. I went to the mirror, lifted my eyelid, and a piece of branch shaped EXACTLY like a cruller fell out. I instantly preserved it in a plastic bag as a miraculous item (which I would be happy to show you). After that, I felt completely better. Now I ask you, dear friends, to help me celebrate the miraculous healing power of the donut by attending Wednesday morning celebration in the Donut Temple at 10:00.


Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Donut Attack

Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Donut Attack
1. Be patient while they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: eat them.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection: napkins and bib.
6. Empty the display case, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep chewing, keep quiet, keep alert.
9. No donut store is best, but some are better.
10. The donut may be gone, but the threat lives on.