The Miraculous Power of Donuts to Heal

Friends,

As many of you will undoubtedly have heard (since I have been milking it for all it’s worth), I had a HORRIBLE ACCIDENT while mountain biking on Friday. As I was riding down a hill, a tree branch got jammed into my eye and, presumably, close to my brain. Luckily, I had a qualified veterinarian and several highly-trained CPR and Sea Safety experts to help me get out of the woods and to the emergency room. While I was at the emergency room, and for a couple of days afterward, I had several miraculous experiences that I want to tell you about. While the emergency room doctor was examining and cleaning my eye, the thought of donuts came unbidden into my mind. By focusing on this amazing visitation, I was able to survive having my eye UV stained, cleaned, and examined with the brightest light I’ve ever seen. I am convinced that without the intercession of the powerful donut, I would have died. Later, after I was home, and under the miraculous influence of Vicodin, I had a visitation from the Great Donut. The Great Donut said to me, “Many of your tribe fail to attend my services on Wednesday morning. By a series of miracles, you have been chosen to bring the word of the donut to the masses. You will receive further signs in the coming hours and days. Show them to your people, that they may believe in my power and worship me.” I woke up that night in immense pain (since the Vicodin had worn off). I got up and applied eye drops, and the terrible pain caused me to faint on my bathroom floor. At this time, the Great Donut came to me again and said “Tell your people about my power to heal. Now, wake up.” Instantly, I woke up. I spent all of Saturday taking Vicodin and dreaming of donuts. Every time I woke up I felt slightly better. Near the end of the day, after I took my last Vicodin, the Grand Donut came to me again and said “I will give you a material proof that you can bring before your people to show them my power”. When I woke up Sunday morning, I felt almost entirely better. However, it felt as though I still had something in my eye. I went to the mirror, lifted my eyelid, and a piece of branch shaped EXACTLY like a cruller fell out. I instantly preserved it in a plastic bag as a miraculous item (which I would be happy to show you). After that, I felt completely better. Now I ask you, dear friends, to help me celebrate the miraculous healing power of the donut by attending Wednesday morning celebration in the Donut Temple at 10:00.

-MLJ