Wednesday, March 30, 2011

It's Wednesday Donut Time!

Bismarck Bob: Say kids, what time is it?
Kids: It's Wednesday Donut Time!

It's Wednesday Donut Time.
It's Wednesday Donut Time.
Maple frost and coffee, too.
Say Howdy Do to you.
Let's give a rousing cheer,
Cause Wednesday Donuts are here,
It's time to start the show,
So kids let's go!

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Bill Hanshumaker. Thanks, Bill!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Donut Break

It’s spring break for grade school and college students, which means that kids everywhere are sleeping in, watching TV, and possibly getting drunk (if they’re old enough). For us working stiffs, though, there can be NO break. We need to produce important science, and science waits for no man. We need to grind out science until our fingers are worn to the bone. Our only refuge? Donuts. Don’t miss your mandatory weekly break today at 10:00.

PS->I bought donuts today. Hooray! It would be delightful if someone else would step up for next week.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Chilean Donuts

Unfortunately, I'm away at a conference and will be missing donuts tomorrow. I was initially concerned, but as you can see from the attached picture, taken in the Santiago airport, Chile is a civilized country. So, you don't need to worry about me. Enjoy donuts for me. I'll see you all next week.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ric Brodeur. Thanks, Ric!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Additional Donut Health Benefits

Donut obviously have some (minor) drawbacks, such as having a few extra calories, and usually only coming in maple OR chocolate, but they also have a number of health benefits. For example:
1. Donuts cure blindness.
2. Donuts make you more famine resistant.
3. Donuts make you a better swimmer.
4. Donuts instantly heal all wounds.
5. Donuts absorb poison from snake and spider bites.
6. Donuts increase your physical stamina.
7. Donuts improve muscle tone.
8. Donuts give you the ability to command animals (particularly fruit bats).
9. Donuts allow you to absorb power from your enemies.
10. Donuts give you night vision or sonar, your choice.
Now, come enjoy some of the benefits of donuts this morning at 10:00.

PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Kathleen O’Malley. Thanks, Kathleen!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Donuts and Planarians

So, I was just chatting with Randy Walker in the Staff Lounge, and he reminded me that donuts, like planarians, are capable of regenerating when cut in half. The gist of his argument was that if we cut all our donuts in half, and then were patient, we’d get a lot more donuts. While this in undoubtedly true, I have to point out that donut overpopulation is a significant problem worldwide. To put it in starker terms, donuts are vermin, and should be exterminated. Do your part and help solve the problem this morning at 10:00.

PS->Donuts this morning come courtesy of Susan Gilmont. Thanks, Susan!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Donuts and Exercise

Donut Friends,
You all know that donuts are part of a balanced diet, but I am going to tell you that it is also important that you exercise to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I am an avid exerciser, as some of you know. Already this morning, I have burned SEVERAL calories. For example, after I woke up, I climbed out of bed and walked to the shower (7 calories). As I got into the shower, I closed the shower door (1 calorie). I soaped up (4 calories), rinsed (2 calories), and toweled off (5 calories). After my shower, I got dressed (8 calories) and brushed my teeth (2 calories). I picked up my cat, Bunny (4 calories) and scratched under her chin (1 calorie). Then I drove to work (10 calories). Even typing this email is exercise (2 calories). Thankfully, I’ll be able to replenish all the energy I’ve expended at donuts this morning at 10:00. You too can have an active lifestyle, if you take credit for all the stuff you’re doing anyway. See you at donuts!
PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Kim Jacobson. Thanks, Kim!

Best Donuts

The best thing about the week is Wednesday
The best thing about Wednesday is donuts
The best thing about donuts is sometimes they’re not

PS->Sweet treats supplied by Mark Camara and Anjanette Baker. Thanks, Mark and Anjanette!

Book of Donut Questions

If someone offered you $10000 to eat nothing but donuts for one month, would you do it?

If you had to choose between having coffee and two donuts or orange juice and plain oatmeal for breakfast every morning for the rest of your life, which would you pick?

Someone offers you the following challenge: If you eat nothing but donuts for the rest of your life, no one in your town will get cancer. Would you take on the challenge? What if your sacrifice prevented every disease? If you stumble even once, every person you’ve saved would instantly die.

Stuff to ponder while munching donuts this morning.

PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Candace Rogers. She didn’t want to see your tears, since no one else stepped up. Thanks, Candace!

Climate Change and Donuts

As many of you may know, there’s a meeting going on in the auditorium on the topic of climate change (or some other junk). The problem? Their break overlaps with the end of donuts. Initially, I was annoyed at this, but now I see an opportunity. You see, while they might be able to scavenge a few leftover donuts, we’ll be well-positioned to enjoy donuts and their snacks as well. (Seriously, though, don’t steal their food.) Here are some tips for jumping on the climate change snack wagon:
1. They wear nametags. You should get a paper nametag and apply it to yourself before donuts.
2. Keep some handy phrases about climate change (or whatever they’re meeting about) available. Some possibilities: “You know what I hate? Climate change.”, “It just breaks my heart to think about all those Sherpas losing their jobs due to sea level rise.”, “What’s up with the IPCC? What a bunch of scrubs (geniuses).”
3. Fast hands, deep pockets. While you’re dazzling them with your array of knowledge about climate change, you need to be scavenging as fast as you can. Just load up your pockets for later. Don’t worry about what you’re getting.
Good luck!

PS->Don’t know who’s buying this week. Thanks, buyer.
PPS->Seriously, don’t steal their food. ;-)


Did you know that only good people eat donuts. Bad people don’t like them.
Also, donuts are part of a healthy, balanced diet. Moderation is key.
Also, donuts taste good.
Also, they’ll make you better looking, fitter, and may grant wishes.
Also, if you miss donuts, your family will stop loving you.
Also, that’s probably about it, really.
Come to donuts.
PS->The donut wand disappeared from the Staff Lounge, so I assume someone is buying. If you want credit, let me know who you are. Otherwise, thanks, Mysterious Benefactor.

Lust for Donuts

Here comes Johnny Yen again
With the crullers and donuts
And the sugar and cream
He's gonna make some more coffee
Hey man where'd you get
That bismarck? I been hurting
Since I bought the gimmick
About something called diet
Yeah something called diet
That's like hypnotizing chickens
Well I am just a modern guy
Of course I've had it on Wednesday before

'Cause of a lust for donuts
'Cause of a lust for donuts


PS->Donuts this week courtesy of a generous individual who wishes to remain anonymous. Thanks, Anonymous Friend!

Donut Seminar

Dr Fred Allendorf, Lavern Weber Visiting Scientist, will be presenting a special seminar this morning at 10:15 in the Library Seminar Room. Entitled “My Favorite Donuts: A famous population geneticist’s perspective”, it promises to be a fascinating discussion. I encourage you all to attend. Also, there will be donuts there, so you won’t have to miss out on that. If you can’t dedicate the whole hour, there will also be a selection of donuts in the usual place, at the usual time (although, rumor has it, these will be the donuts that Dr. Allendorf does not prefer).

PS->The Director’s Office is picking up the tab for donuts this week, on account of the special seminar. Thanks, George and Candace!

Good Alternative to Donuts

Now, you know that I’m usually a very strong advocate for attending donuts at all costs. This morning, however, I’m going to encourage you to swing by donuts on your way to Angie Sremba’s Thesis defense (in the Library Seminar Room), instead. The reason for this, if you must know, is that I suspect that Angie may, in fact, have BETTER SNACKS. She’s apparently going to give some kind of speech, or something, too. But don’t worry, if you can’t commit a whole hour, donuts will still be in the usual place, at the usual time.

PS->For the third week in a row, I don’t know who’s buying donuts. So thanks, Awesome Donut Buyer.

Snuggle Bunny and the Delightful Catastrophe

One day, Snuggle Bunny was rummaging through her grandfather Crotchety Bunny’s attic. Just for something to do, you know? Mostly, it was full of old newspapers and musty trunks full of unfashionable fashions, and about fifty croquet sets. But, in one dark corner, behind a curtain, under a sheet, and buried under fifty years worth of newsprint, was an INTERESTING BOX. On the side of the box it said, “Magical Donut Machine.” There were pictures, too. Pictures of donuts. All kinds of donuts. Glazed, frosted, old fashioned, with sprinkles, and without. Snuggle Bunny decided that this was a good find, and took it downstairs. Crotchety Bunny was sleeping in his comfy chair by the fire, so Snuggle Bunny decided not to disturb him. Instead, she took the box home and up to her room. Luckily, since her mom and dad were at work, there were no unnecessary explanations to be made. Bunny put the box on the floor in the middle of the room. She opened the box and took out the donut machine. It was silver, and looked brand new. On the front, it had two lighted buttons, marked “Go” and “Stop”. It also had a knob, with a pointer, and three settings: “Small”, “Medium”, and “Larger”. Snuggle Bunny decided to start with the “Small” setting. She pushed the “Go” button, and the machine began to hum. A donut began to be extruded from the nozzle. It looked like it was inflating like a balloon, actually. In a moment, the machine dropped a perfect miniature donut on the rack at the bottom of the machine. Chocolate. The next one came out with sprinkles. The third one, maple. Snuggle Bunny pressed the “Stop” button, and the machine went quiet. She ate one of the miniature donuts, thought for a moment. Then she switched the knob to “Medium” and pressed “Go”. Now, the donuts came out normal sized. First, an old fashioned. Then, a maple bar. Bunny pressed “Stop”. The machine stopped. Snuggle Bunny ate another miniature donut and wondered to herself: “Why does it say Larger? It should say ‘Large’.” Obviously, it would all become clear through use of the machine, so Snuggle Bunny switched the knob to “Larger” and pressed “Go”. This time, the lights behind the “Go” and “Stop” buttons went dark. Otherwise, the machine worked just like before. A donut immediately began forming, and eventually another miniature donut dropped to the rack. “Why is it miniature?”, thought Bunny. But the question was soon answered, because the next donut was “Larger” and came out normal sized. The one after that was an apple fritter the size of an apple pie. Snuggle Bunny pressed the “Stop” button. Nothing happened. Another donut was already being made. It was the size of a trash can lid. The next one, the size of Snuggle Bunny’s bed. Snuggle Bunny struggled over the giant donut and tried pressing the “Stop” button again, with no effect. Then she thought, “Maybe I can just unplug the machine?” But, there was no cord. The machine just came on by itself. The next donut forced Snuggle Bunny to flee the room. She went downstairs. She could still hear the machine working up in her room, and the house was beginning to creak. Snuggle Bunny went outside. As she stood on the sidewalk, her father and mother drove into the driveway. Her mother asked, “What are you doing home, Bunny?” Her father asked, “Why aren’t you at your grandfather’s house?” Just then, there was a horrendous crash and crunch, bang and smash from the house. Bunny’s parents turned to look, and saw the roof lifting off the house, carried by a giant donut. Then, the whole house collapsed. Bunny’s parents turned back to look at Bunny. “What have you done?” “You’ve destroyed our house.” “I was making donuts with a machine I found, and it got out of hand,” was all Bunny could offer in reply. She held up the last miniature donut. Her father took it from her, looked at it, and put it in his mouth. His mouth began to curve into a smile. Then he said, “As long as we have all these amazing donuts, why don’t you girls invite the neighbors over for a donut party and I’ll call my insurance agent.”
The End.

PS->I don’t know who grabbed the wand, so Thank You, Mysterious Stranger.

The Great Donut

According to Swedish tradition, the Great Donut (den Goda Pajen) visits all the world's donut shops on the last Wednesday of Advent (Munk Onsdagen), blessing a handful of donuts at each location. These blessed donuts are said to give the consumer special benefits throughout the year. Traditional blessings are associated with baked goods. For example, "you will marry a girl who owns a deep fryer (flottflickan)" or "the village baker adopts you as a daughter (brödadoptering)". More modern blessings can be more varied. For example, "you gain the power to transform into a salmon at will (fiskeriutbrot)" or "you gain the ability to come up with really cool rock band names on demand (gitarr hjälte)".
Since most people are probably gone for the holiday already, those few of us who are left have an excellent chance to score one of these special donuts. Don't miss Donut Wednesday on such a special day!

PS->I don't know who grabbed the wand. Hopefully someone did. Thanks!

Ring of Pastry

Oil Is A Burning Thing
But It Makes The Pastry Ring
Bound By Forces I Don’t Know
I Fell Into A Frosted Ring Of Dough

I Fell Into A Frosted Ring of Dough
I Went Down, Down, Down
And My Blood Sugar Went Higher

And It Calls to Me Still
The Ring Of Pastry
The Ring Of Pastry

The Taste Of Love Is Sweet
When Mouth and Donut Meet
I Fell For Donuts Like A Child
Oh, But The Insulin Went Wild

I Fell Into A Frosted Ring of Dough
I Went Down, Down, Down
And My Blood Sugar Went Higher

And It Calls to Me Still
The Ring Of Pastry
The Ring Of Pastry

Oil Is A Burning Thing
But It Makes The Pastry Ring
Bound By Forces I Don’t Know
I Fell Into A Frosted Ring Of Dough

I Fell Into A Frosted Ring Of Dough
I Went Down(down), Down(down), Down(down)
And My Blood Sugar Went Higher Higher Higher

I Fell Into A Frosted Ring Of Dough
I Went Down(down), Down(down), Down(down)
And My Blood Sugar Went Higher Higher Higher

And It’s Sweet

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Maryann Bozza. Thanks for batting cleanup, Maryann!

Cruller Education Really Matters

The Cruller Education Really Matters (CERM) foundation is sponsoring a donut tasting this morning at 10:00, in the Staff Lounge. We will have coffee, and possibly some fruit to cleanse your palates, along with a variety of delicious donuts. Donuts this year cover a wide range of types, from the old fashioned, through filled varieties, to classic raised varieties. Coincidentally, the other CERM is also having a poster session in the hallway outside. Come check them both out.
PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of HMSC and the REAL CERM. Awesome.

Sea of Donuts

Join Us
Sea of Donuts – Today at 10:00am

Surround yourself with the Spirit of Donuts at the
150th (or so) weekly Sea of Donuts

Enjoy Donuts, the Company of Other People, and Coffee (or Tea)!

Admission Prices: By Donation.


PS->Londi Tomaro supplied our donut fix for the week. Thanks, Londi!

Come to Donuts!

Well, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire in the staff lounge is delightful. And since some of us have to be at work anyway, Come to Donuts! Come to Donuts! Come to Donuts!
It’ll be a wonderful way to spend part of the last work day before Thanksgiving. Trust me.

PS->Donuts tomorrow come courtesy of Caitlin White. Thanks, Caitlin!

18 Year Donut Anniversary

It’s hard to believe, but today is my 18-year anniversary writing the donut emails for Hatfield. Amazing. I remember back at the beginning, when I was just stealing all my ideas from What a crazy, hedonistic time that was. I don’t think I came to work a single day without being high as a kite on sugar and life in those years. But, we all mature. These days, I steal all my ideas from and I make sure I eat at least two pieces of fruit every month, whether I feel like it or not. Ah, memories. In honor of my anniversary, come out to the staff lounge for a donut and a reminisce at 10:00.
PS->Donuts this week come courtesy of Cheryl Horton. Thanks, Cheryl!


In Scandinavian mythology, Donuthalla (anglicized from Old Norse Dönüthǫllr "hall of the donut") is a majestic, enormous hall located in Hatgard, ruled over by the god Mattias. Chosen by Mattias, half of those that die as scientists travel to Donuthalla upon death, led by a trail of donuts, while the other half go to the god Loki’s bike shop, Bïkevangr.
In Donuthalla, the dead join the masses of those who have died as scientists, known as Döda Forskare, as well as various legendary Germanic bakers and kings, as they prepare to aid Odin during the events of The Great Heavenly Science Fair and Bake-off. Before the hall stands the golden donut Dönüt, and the hall's ceiling is thatched with golden bear claws.
Donuthalla is attested in the Poetic Donut, compiled in the 13th century from earlier traditional sources, the Prose Donut, written in the 13th century by Snurrig Bakelse, in Princesstårtan, och Andra Delikatesser, also written in the 13th century by Snurrig Bakelse, and in stanzas of an anonymous 10th century poem commemorating the death of a Dr. Eric Krillforskare known as Eiríksmunk as compiled in Sagor om Munkar. Donuthalla has inspired various works of art, publication titles, popular culture references, and has become a term synonymous with a scientific (or otherwise) hall of the chosen dead.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ric Brodeur. Thanks, Ric!


Since I’ve been having to look for “volunteers” to buy donuts on a lot of recent Tuesdays, I’ve decided to simplify the task slightly by automating it. I’ve therefore written the following program in BASIC, which will perform the task for me. I haven’t quite figured out how to package it as a computer virus, but when I do, you’ll know. ;-) In the meantime, you’ll just have to install it on your Apple II GS or Commodore 128 yourself. Thanks! And, don’t forget to come to donuts tomorrow at 10:00.

10 INPUT “What is your name? “, U$
20 PRINT “Hello “; U$
30 INPUT “Would you like to buy donuts this week? “ A$
40 IF A$ = “Y” OR A$ = “y” THEN GOTO 70 ELSE GOTO 50
50 PRINT “If you do I’ll be your best friend forever ” U$
60 GOTO 30
70 PRINT “Thanks “; U$
80 PRINT “You rock!”
90 END


PS->Donuts are courtesy of Dann Cutter this week. Thanks, Dann!


It’s the happiest day of the week! Donut Day!
If you have any love in your heart,
Or if you have a soul in your body,
you’ll come out and have a donut.
If you’re not there, we won’t be friends any more.
PS->Donuts this week by Becca Schiewe. Thanks, Becca!


Shape symbolizing eternity
No end, and no beginning
Your sweetness reminds
Of the best moments in life
Your softness
Like a loved one’s hug
It’s no surprise
That you are the beloved
Of everyone


PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Anita McCulloch. Thanks, Anita!