Monday, December 21, 2009

Don King Thinks Donuts are the Greatest

Thank god for donuts. Don’t besmirchify donuts. I’m not trying any trickeration on you. Donuts are the living attestation of the American dream. They are the extolment of this great nation. If you cast your dough upon the oil and you have faith, you’ll get back donuts. If you don’t have faith, you’ll get soggy bread. Only in America. America is the greatest country in the world-I love America. What has been accomplished with donuts could not have been done anywhere else.

PS->Donuts this week by Jessica Waddell. Thanks, Jessica!

Cold Snap in Newport

Cold Snap in Newport

Everything cold, clear, crisp.
At night, a million stars.
Smell of wood fires in the air.
Frosty car.
Frosty fingers.
Shower at work.
At home, pipes are frozen.
Wednesday morning,
Donuts and coffee.
Comforting and warm.


PS->Donuts this week by Debbie Steel. Thanks, Dibbie.

Famous Donut Enthusiasts

Donuts aren’t just beloved by commoners like us here at Hatfield. It turns out that the high and mighty also like a bit of fried pastry now and then. Here are a few examples of how donuts touch famous lives.
In addition to his hundreds of other patents, Thomas Edison invented a mechanized process for forming and cooking donuts. Broadly similar to the method employed by Krispy Kreme today, Edison’s machine was capable of producing up to 500 donuts per hour and required 4 people to operate.
Famous footballer and underwear model David Beckham has admitted to a weakness for an occasional donut (or doughnut, since he’s an Englishman). “After a game, Victoria and I might stop off at my favorite shop, Mike’s Famous Donuts in L.A. for a quick bite. It’s become kind of a tradition after I score a goal.”
President Calvin “Silent Cal” Coolidge enjoyed donuts so much that he requested that the White House baker provide donuts for every cabinet meeting. Presumably, having a mouthful of donut gave him an excuse not to talk.
When you’re famous, I’ll write about how you used to come to Wednesday donuts at Hatfield and mingle with the little people (assuming you come to donuts).

Donuts and Thanksgiving

I realized yesterday, as I was thinking of a topic to write about for donuts this week, that there are some very clear parallels between our weekly donut meeting and Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday). We spend both in the company of people we care about, eating food that makes us feel slightly guilty. Afterwards, if we’ve overindulged, we may feel sleepy (or just slightly off). Finally, both are filled with good conversation and laughter, with wonderful people we wish we could spend more time with. As Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful, I’m very thankful for the opportunity to work here at Hatfield, where I can get together with friends every week and take pleasure in food and good company. Thank you, Hatfield, for making this such a great community to work in.

PS->Donuts this week provided by Scott Heppell. Thanks, Scott!

Donut Buying

Over time, I’ve noticed that a core group of people tend to buy donuts a lot, with a few others buying once in a while, and a lot of us buying rarely (if at all). I suspect this is because the process is fairly complicated, and people are intimidated. Therefore, I’ve decided to describe what I usually do, so that others can follow my lead and feel comfortable picking up the donut wand once in a while. In general, I get my donuts from my friend Vladimir down on 49th Street. Vladimir doesn’t operate a traditional “donut shop”, so you have to make special arrangements. Vladimir doesn’t believe in “technology” either, so you can’t call or email. The system works this way: a week before you need the donuts, you go to the shopping center where the S. Beach post office is located. Next to the building is a mailbox. Put a single white rose in the mailbox and put up the flag. Then, you go to Mike Miller Park. Entering the park, you need to follow the path around in the clockwise direction. Place $18 in one-dollar bills in the crook of the fifth maple you come across (I think it’s the 18th tree on the left). Then, wait. On Tuesday of the week you need the donuts, drive along tenth street. If you see clothes hanging on the line at the blue house on the left (yes, even in the rain), you’ve succeeded in ordering donuts. The donuts will be left in the abandoned van behind the old Power Chrysler dealership after 9:00am.
Other people just pick up donuts at the JC Market. Either way, pick up the wand.

Ken Hall's Last HMSC Donuts

As you hopefully know by now, Ken Hall is leaving HMSC for opportunities and sunshine in San Diego. We’ll be celebrating his time at Hatfield at this morning’s donuts, with donuts and some additional goodies. I don’t have a lot of Ken Hall/Donut themed stories, but here’s one: There was a Wednesday morning, about a year ago (possibly longer), where various factors came together to prevent anyone from picking up the Donut Wand. Ken noticed, and went out to get a couple of dozen. Around the same time, Londi noticed the same thing and went out to get a couple of dozen. Also around that time, Mattias noticed the same thing, and went out to get three dozen (you know, it was Mattias). That morning, there were seven dozen donuts at the Wednesday Donut Fair. The thing is, Londi and Mattias bought donuts because they coordinate the Wednesday donuts. It’s their job. Ken bought them because he’s the kind of guy who makes things come together. Sometimes, because it’s his job, but often just because he wants things to work. Ken was tremendously good at making things work at Hatfield, and I, among many, will miss him as both a friend and as an awesome Hatfielder. Thanks, Ken.

Semeldonuty vs. Iterodonuty

Semeldonuty and Iterodonuty refer to the donut eating strategy of an organism. A species is considered semeldonutous if it eats a single donut at Wednesday donuts, and iterodonutous if it consumes numerous donuts at Wednesday donuts.

The word semeldonuty comes from the Latin semel, once, and donut, fried pastry. It is often known as "big bang" eating, since semeldonutous organisms eat only one donut per week. A classic example of a semeldonutous organism is Ruth Dimaria (Ruthia Dimarius), who works for many days in the lab before eating a single donut on Wednesday.

The term iterodonuty comes from the Latin itero, to repeat, and donut, fried pastry. It is often known as "gluttony", since iterodonutous organisms eat too many donuts each week. An example of an iterodonutous organism is Mattias Johansson (Matticus Johanssonii)—though many people may choose only to have one donut, Mattias is biologically incapable of eating fewer than three donuts at a sitting.
PS->Donuts this week by Bob Moch. Thanks, Bob!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Darkness and Donuts

Sometimes I hurt
Feel lonely and empty
Sadness and pain
Look within myself and find darkness
The darkness of a foggy night
Dark as Colombian coffee
The kind that would go great with a tiger-stripe maple bar
Then I remember that donuts is tomorrow
And my spirits soar...

Marvelous Donut of Life Discovered By Semi-Famous Doctor




After years of patient study and delving into the dusty record of the past, as well as following modern experiments in the realms of medical science, Dr. Mattias L. Beignet, makes the startling announcement that he has surely discovered the donut of life; that he is able, with the aid of a mysterious compound, known only to himself, produced as a result of the years he has spent in searching for this precious life-giving boon, to cure any and every disease that is known to the human body. There is no doubt of the doctor’s earnestness in making his claim, and the remarkable cures that he is daily effecting seem to bear him out very strongly. His theory which he advances is one of reason and based on sound experience eating donuts for many years. It costs little to try his remarkable “Donut of Life,” as he calls it, for he sends it to anyone who is a sufferer, in sufficient quantities to convince of its ability to cure for only $1; so there is very little risk to run. Some of the cures cited are very remarkable, and but for reliable witnesses would hardly be credited. The lame have thrown away crutches and walked about after two or three trials of the remedy. The sick, given up by their home doctors, have been restored to their families and friends in perfect health. Rheumatism, neuralgia, stomach, heart, liver, kidney, blood, and skin diseases and bladder troubles disappear as if by magic. Headaches, backaches, nervousness, fevers, consumption, coughs, colds, asthma, catarrh, bronchitis, and all affections of the throat, lungs, or any vital organs are easily overcome in a space of time that is simply marvelous. Partial paralysis, locomotor ataxia, dropsy, gout, scrofula, and piles are quickly and permanently removed. It purifies the entire system, blood and tissues, restores normal nerve power, circulation, and a state of perfect health is produced at once. To the doctor all systems are alike and equally affected by this great “Donut of Life”. Send for the remedy today. Only $1 for the sufferer. State what you want to be cured of, and the sure remedy for it will be sent to you by return mail.


Embarrassing Donut Admission

Donut Friends,

I’ve got an embarrassing admission to make. During a moment of weakness on my fact-finding mission in upstate New York, I considered a career change.

It was the result of this sign:

Note the critical phrase “See inside to apply for a job that fits your life”. Luckily, Mara was there to remind me of the decade-and-a-half of post-high-school education I’ve got, so I didn’t put in an application. It was a near miss, though. Luckily, I’m safe back in Newport, continuing my scientific career and looking forward to donuts tomorrow.

Because of our annual tsunami drill, donuts will be delayed until after we all walk to the hillside (~10:30?). So, go for a walk in the rain while pretending to save your life, then come in for a warming cup of joe and a donut.

See you there!


Donut Fact-Finding Mission

I'm on a factfinding mission in upstate New York, seeking to understand east coast donuts. I've attached some pictures. I'll miss donuts tomorrow, though. Have fun without me.
Donuts, 10:00 in the staff lounge.

Secret Passwords: Donut

MLJ’s Secret Password List


Yahoo Mail


Donut Muncher

Donutemails Blog


You don’t need a password to come to donuts. This morning, 10:00. Be there.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


I'm starting to feel the end of my PhD approach, so I've started looking for interesting positions to apply for. One that caught my eye is attached below. It's a tenure-track position, so I'm probably a dark horse candidate, but it seems a good fit. Wish me luck!

PS->Don't forget to come out and have a donut with me tomorrow at 10:00
in the staff lounge.

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station Hatfield Marine Science Center 2030 SE Marine Science Drive Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
-----Original Message-----
From: []
Sent: Wednesday, September 09, 2009 11:55 PM
To: Johansson, Mattias - FW
Subject: Job: CollegeBismarck.DonutGenomics

Assistant Professor, Donut Genomics

Assistant Professor. The Department of Biology, College of Bismarck, invites applications for a tenure-track position in Donut Genomics at the Assistant Professor level to begin August, 2010. Candidates must possess a Ph.D. in the bakery sciences or a closely related field, an addiction to fried food, and an active donut comedy writing program.

The particular area of research in donut genomics and the type(s) of frosting are open, but the selected candidate will be expected to assist with the training of graduate students in the Fried Pastry program . Teaching responsibilities may include undergraduate courses in baking and brewing a decent cup of coffee, and graduate course that complements current donut genomics offerings in the baked goods master's program.

The College of Bismarck is a public liberal arts and sciences institution of 12,000 students, with MS degrees in Donut Eating and Coffee Drinking, and a commitment to excellence in fried food.
Information about the Bakery Department is available online .

Applicants should submit a curriculum vitae, their grandmother's secret donut recipe, copies of comedic musings on donuts, and three letters of reference from their local donut shop to:

Chair, Donut Genomics Search Committee
Department of Bakery
College of Bismarck
Bismarck, SE 36688

or (preferred) electronically to

Screening of applications will begin September 15 2009. The College of Bismarck is an Equal Opportunity/Affirmative Action Employer and encourages applications from women and minorities.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Bacon Maple Bar (With apologies to Yusuf Islam)

I’m looking for a bacon maple bar,
One that I can have all to myself,
And if I find my bacon maple bar,
I won’t need anything else, no, no, no.

I’m looking for a bacon maple bar,
One that will taste the very best,
And if I find my bacon maple bar
I know the rest of my life will be blessed -- yes, yes, yes.

I know a lot of fancy pastries,
Frostings that glide over your tongue,
They taste so smooth but have no answers.
When you think why’d you come here for?
I don’t know why?

I know many beautiful cakes
But their tastiness depends on how you do.
They know many sure fired ways
To find out the one who pays
And how you do.

I’m looking for a bacon maple bar,
One that will make me feel so good,
And if I find my bacon maple bar,
I know my life will be as it should -- yes, yes, yes.

I’m looking for a bacon maple bar,
One that will taste the very best,
And if I find my bacon maple bar...

Now, come find your dream donut at the Wednesday Donut Hour. Staff Lounge, 10:00.


Donuts at the Aquarium?

From the Truth and Rumors Department:

Current Oregon Coast Aquarium food service provider Local Oceans may soon have some really local competition. International Donut, America’s fourth-largest chain of donut shops is considering putting a branch in the aquarium. According to International Donut CEO Brian Aquarist, the fit would be perfect. “People come to the aquarium with their families, looking for a fun experience for the whole family. We think that donuts are the perfect addition. They’re a family-friendly, happy food.” Negotiations are currently underway.

We’ll have to wait and see if this rumor pans out…

In the meantime, come have a donut this morning in the staff lounge.


Monday, August 31, 2009

Darkness and Donuts

My intern is gone.
My girl went to Alaska in the company of another guy.
(For work. What were you thinking?)
The dog doesn't respect me, and the horses are bored with me.
The plumbing is broken.
If I owned a truck, it would break down.
All is darkness.
Oh, how I long for the sweet release of...donuts.
Through donuts, we can all be renewed for the tail end of the week. Donut lounge, 10:00.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Road Donut

I found a donut lying in the road the other day. Since no one was around, and since it looked unmarked, I picked it up (thinking I might eat it). As I held it in my hand, it spoke to me.
“I am a magic donut”, it said. “If you eat me, you will receive wealth and fame and power.”
I thought to myself, “that sounds pretty good, I’d eat a donut I found in the road for those benefits.”
Then it said, “but you may NEVER eat another donut, as long as you live, or the spell will be broken.”
That sounded like a difficult bargain to keep, but wealth and power sounded pretty good, so I ate the donut.
This morning, I found that someone had deposited $1300 in my bank account…

See you at donuts this morning. 10:00 in the donut lounge.


Donut Recipe

MLJ’s Secret Donut Recipe

Cream Filling

Combine ingredients in a bowl. Form into donut shape. Fry in the oil. Voila, donuts!

Or, since this recipe leads only to disaster, come have a donut with the HMSC community this morning at 10:00 in the donut lounge.


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Psycho Donuts

What are these folks so upset about? They're just donuts that make light of mental illness...

Thanks to Melody Pfister for this one.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

If I had a million donuts...

If I had a million donuts…
I’d give them away outside Starbucks, just to annoy the barristas.

If I had a million donuts…
I’d be able to talk my way out of speeding tickets.

If I had a million donuts…
I’d use them to influence world affairs.

If I had a million donuts…
I’d be a lot fatter.

If I had a million donuts…
I’d use them to pave my driveway.

If I had a million donuts…
I’d eat one a week for a million weeks.

If I had a million donuts…
I’d have to start drinking coffee on days other than Wednesday and Thursday.

If I had a million donuts…
I’d throw them at people on the street, then run.

If I had a million donuts…
I’d get pretty tired of donuts.

If I had a million donuts…
I’d become a famous funk bass player.

If I had a million donuts…
I’d win the Nobel Prize for donut ownership.

If I had a million donuts…
I’d be rich.

I don’t have a million donuts. I do know that there will be three dozen, along with a bunch of my good friends in the Donut Lounge tomorrow at 10:00. You should come join me.


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Camilo and the Cameleopards Great Donut Hits

In 1990, Camilo and the Cameleopards entered the charts at #205 with their song “Land of 1000 Donuts” off the album We Like Donuts. Although this was their only sniff at success, they recently re-released the album as a greatest hits compilation, Donut Hits.

Here’s the playlist from the album, now available from Rev J Records.

1. Land of 1000 Donuts
2. Donut in the USA
3. Never Trust a Donut
4. The Beautiful Donut
5. I’d Rather Be a Donut
6. That’s Not My Donut
7. Donut Cabana
8. Donut Strike
9. Donuts Don’t Lie
10. Let Me Put My Donut Into You

Meet the lead singer, Camilo Vanegas, this morning at donuts: 10:00 in the Donut Lounge. And buy a copy of the album wherever albums are sold…


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Flight of the Donchords: Season 1: Disc 1

Newport science parody duo Mattias Johansson and Sean Matson play fictionalized versions of themselves in this HMSC comedy series that follows two somewhat dim-witted pals trying to make it big in the donut industry. They must deal with their inept manager, Andres (Camilo Vanegas), who buys an Easy-Bake as their first oven; their only customer, Lee (Mara Spencer), whose donut obsession verges on unhealthy; and their own childish natures. This disc includes the following episodes: "Easy-Bake", "Sean Gives Up the Dream", "Robbed", "Linda", "New Customers", and "Tim Horton".
Rated TV-MA 3 hrs. 2009
Come meet the stars (the donuts) this morning at 10:00 in the staff lounge. Sean and Mattias will be there too.

What your donut preferences say about you.

Bismarck (Cream Filled) – People who prefer the Bismarck are athletic and enthusiastic. They want a donut that gives them the complete experience in one: chocolate, pastry, and custard. Famous Bismarck lovers include David Beckham, Serena Williams, and Secretariat.

Cherry “Blossom” – People who like the cherry “blossom” are individualists. Although they tend to be loners, these people are intensely loyal to their friends and family. However, they are not easily swayed by other people’s opinions or by peer pressure, hence their taste in unusual donuts. Famous Cherry “Blossom” lovers include David Bowie, Charleton Heston, and Margaret Thatcher.

Cinnamon Twist – People who like the cinnamon twist like simplicity and tradition. These people tend to be intelligent and approachable, but may lean toward nerdliness. Famous cinnamon twist lovers include Barack Obama, Rivers Cuomo, and Janeane Garofalo.

Come explore your personality with a donut this morning at 10:00 in the Donut Lounge.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Colombian Donut Folk Wisdom (w/ Folk Wisdom Expert Camilo Vanegas)

Mejor sera una dona fea y sabrosa que una mujer bonita y mejor.
Better an ugly and sweet donut than a beautiful and bitter woman.

Todo el tiempo comiendo vegetales es tiempo perdio comiendo donas.
All time spent eating vegetables is time lost to eating donuts.

Amor de donas equilibra los ricos y los pobres.
Love of donuts levels rich and poor.

De le una dona a un hombre y comeria por un dia, enseñale horneal y las donas le hase gordo.
Give a man a donut and he will eat for a day, teach him to bake and donuts will make him fat.

Come have a donut and gain some valuable folk wisdom tomorrow at 10:00 in the donut lounge.


Donut Proverb

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of Wednesday
I shall fear no evil.
For I have my friends,
And a donut that protects me from low blood sugar
Join me and the HsO in battling the evils of Wednesday with a powerful donut. Staff Lounge, 10:00.

Donut Slayer

As they approached within a half mile of the cave, the desolation became acute. Not a green thing grew, and nothing moved. Another sure sign of the monster, the rocks were oily and slippery. The difficulty of dealing with such an infestation was certainly not in the tracking; any blind man with a nose for pastry could have found this blighted grease spot as easily as the slayer and his companion had.

Now, as they stood near the entrance of the monster’s lair, they considered the real challenge that faced them. The slayer rested his hand lightly on the handle of his weapon. Like a large bread knife, it had a serrated edge that would easily cut through the flesh of the beast. The ancient, hardened frosting presented a greater challenge. This protective armor would have to be dealt with by other means. The slayer’s companion, a gnomish inventor, had the answer. His invention, an insulated beer keg with shoulder straps and an extended pump handle, would spray scalding hot espresso over 25 feet. This should be enough to weaken the frosting and let the slayer do his work.

They approached the mouth of the cave. Fighting within would be suicide, so the slayer cried out a challenge:

“Foul donut, I, Mattias of Toledo, have come to destroy you. I have slain many of your kind, and now I have come to slay you. Your reign of terror is at an end!”

At this, there was a stirring within the cave, and a plume of greasy steam wafted from the entrance. The inhabitant growled, and then it appeared. Huge, frosted in maple, angry, it looked around for the source of the challenge.

The slayer stepped forward. “Monster, you have fattened your last maiden. My sword will taste of your pastry, and you will be destroyed.”

A target sighted, the donut roared and began a rolling charge. The slayer raised his weapon and ran toward the donut. His companion contributed a steaming spray of coffee and a gnomish battle cry. Within seconds, the distance was closed. The slayer leapt, and swung his blade down in a wide arc…

Donuts. Wednesday 10:00 in the Staff Lounge. Come slay a few with your Hatfield Friends.

East Coast Donuts

Preliminary Report on East Coast Donuts (Dunkin Donuts):

As most of you know, I was recently in Connecticut, gathering data for a comparison report on West Coast versus East Coast donuts. Here are some of my preliminary findings:

1. Patriotic donuts are quite popular. These consist of various frostings with red-white-blue sprinkles. Pretty awesome.

2. Sprinkles on east coast donuts are crunchier than those found in the west. Very nice.

3. They do not appear to have a maple bar at Dunkin. Instead, the maple donut is round. I found this kind of unnatural.

4. The fruit filling in the filled donuts at Dunkin may involve real fruit in its manufacturing. Compared to the presumably non-fruit containing gel in west coast donuts, this should be a plus. However, I found it somewhat off-putting.

5. In summary, donuts on the east coast are somewhat different from our common western varieties. In most respects, they are very good. There are some slight differences which may take some getting used to, but I believe it would be worth the effort.

West coast donuts, donut lounge 10:00.


Leaving Donuts Behind

Eugene Airport. Headed east. Every moment takes me further from you
and my beloved donuts. The ache in my heart (and stomach) is becoming
unbearable. Only the thought of joining you at donuts in a weeks time
sustains me. That, and the thought that you will be enjoying donuts
together in a few hours time. Donuts, Wednesday at 10:00.

Friday, June 5, 2009

National Donut Day - June 5

Today is National Donut Day! Celebrate by getting a dozen at your local donut shop, or if you've got a Krispy Kreme nearby, stop in for a freebie:
Either way, you'll wind up happy!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Gourmet Donut Guide 1: The Old Fashioned

A dense, cakey donut, the old fashioned donut is today overshadowed by other more frosting-heavy raised donuts. This is unfortunate, in that the old fashioned is rightly considered a true classic among donuts. Ideal as a breakfast donut, the old fashioned is also well suited to serving as a late-morning pick-me-up or afternoon snack. Not too sweet, the old fashioned pairs well with sweet fresh fruit, and is ideally matched with a cup of café au lait, fruit juice, or sweet white wine. Overall, the old fashioned is an excellent choice for those who prefer a less-sugary option, but is likely to remain underappreciated by the average donut connoisseur.


Donut FAQ

As Donut Coordinator, I get a lot of questions regarding Wednesday Donuts, and the Donut Emails. Here are some answers to the most common questions I get.

1. I may be naïve, but one might think that an advanced graduate student would have more important things to do than spend time writing donut emails and emails about how he comes up with ideas for donut emails.
-Actually, I don’t spend that much time writing these emails. I usually come up with the idea while doing my morning farm chores, and the writing only takes about ten minutes a week. Time well spent, considering the positive feedback I’ve received.

2. Where do people get donuts, how many do they get, do they have to cut up the donuts?
-People generally go to JC Market, but you can get donuts at any grocery store.
-We aim for 3 dozen, but one time, we had seven dozen. Another time, Dann Cutter supplied three dozen donuts, plus fruit, scones, and muffins. Oh, what a day that was…
-We have specially trained donut slicing experts to cut up the donuts, so the buyer is usually off the hook.

3. When/Where?
-Donuts takes place in the Donut Lounge (next door to the mailroom) on Wednesdays @10:00.


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

How to Write a Donut Email

Donut Enthusiasts,

During the time I’ve been writing these emails, a lot of people have asked me how I come up with my ideas. I have usually said that they just come to me when it’s time to write, but that’s not entirely true. I’ve decided to come clean about my process…

So, without further introduction, here is how I write my weekly donut emails:

First, I get out my copy of La Mia Vita di Corrispondenza Pomodoro by Ettore Boiardi and find an unmarked page. Then, I translate from the Italian and transcribe the letter into an email. In every case where Boiardi uses the word “tomato”, I replace with “donut”. I sign MLJ at the bottom, and click send. Finally, I mark the page with the date, put a copy on the blog, and replace the book on the shelf. Done for the week!

So, there you have my secret method for writing a hilarious email. If you guys don’t mind that none of the ideas are original, I’m happy to continue.

Now, don’t forget to come have a donut with us this morning…


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Donut Triathlon

Dear Donut Athlete,

As a result of your impressive performance at one or more previous Wednesday donut competitions, you are invited to take part in the First Annual Hatfield Donut Triathlon. The event will take place on Wednesday, May 13, 2009 at 10:00. The event is a stage race, consisting of the following disciplines: 1. Eat a Bismarck. 2. Eat a bear claw. 3. Eat a maple bar. The top three finishers in Men’s, Women’s, and Children’s divisions will each receive a cinnamon twist and a cup of coffee. Enter at


Saturday, May 9, 2009

Donut Rhyme

In 1851 Lucretia Allyn Gurney came to Oregon and settled near what is now Oswego. She passed this donut recipe down to her children and grandchildren.

“1 cup of sugar, 1 cup of milk,
2 eggs beaten as fine as silk;
Salt and nutmeg, lemon will do,
Baking powder teaspoons two;
Lightly stir the flour in,
Roll on pie-board, not too thin.
Drop with care the doughy things
Into the fat that briskly swells
Evenly the spongy cells.
Watch with care the time for turning,
Fry them brown just short of burning.
Roll in sugar, serve them cool.
Price a quarter for this rule.”

Source: Josephine County Historical Society & Junior League of Eugene

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The Miraculous Power of Donuts to Heal


As many of you will undoubtedly have heard (since I have been milking it for all it’s worth), I had a HORRIBLE ACCIDENT while mountain biking on Friday. As I was riding down a hill, a tree branch got jammed into my eye and, presumably, close to my brain. Luckily, I had a qualified veterinarian and several highly-trained CPR and Sea Safety experts to help me get out of the woods and to the emergency room. While I was at the emergency room, and for a couple of days afterward, I had several miraculous experiences that I want to tell you about. While the emergency room doctor was examining and cleaning my eye, the thought of donuts came unbidden into my mind. By focusing on this amazing visitation, I was able to survive having my eye UV stained, cleaned, and examined with the brightest light I’ve ever seen. I am convinced that without the intercession of the powerful donut, I would have died. Later, after I was home, and under the miraculous influence of Vicodin, I had a visitation from the Great Donut. The Great Donut said to me, “Many of your tribe fail to attend my services on Wednesday morning. By a series of miracles, you have been chosen to bring the word of the donut to the masses. You will receive further signs in the coming hours and days. Show them to your people, that they may believe in my power and worship me.” I woke up that night in immense pain (since the Vicodin had worn off). I got up and applied eye drops, and the terrible pain caused me to faint on my bathroom floor. At this time, the Great Donut came to me again and said “Tell your people about my power to heal. Now, wake up.” Instantly, I woke up. I spent all of Saturday taking Vicodin and dreaming of donuts. Every time I woke up I felt slightly better. Near the end of the day, after I took my last Vicodin, the Grand Donut came to me again and said “I will give you a material proof that you can bring before your people to show them my power”. When I woke up Sunday morning, I felt almost entirely better. However, it felt as though I still had something in my eye. I went to the mirror, lifted my eyelid, and a piece of branch shaped EXACTLY like a cruller fell out. I instantly preserved it in a plastic bag as a miraculous item (which I would be happy to show you). After that, I felt completely better. Now I ask you, dear friends, to help me celebrate the miraculous healing power of the donut by attending Wednesday morning celebration in the Donut Temple at 10:00.


Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Donut Attack

Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Donut Attack
1. Be patient while they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: eat them.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection: napkins and bib.
6. Empty the display case, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep chewing, keep quiet, keep alert.
9. No donut store is best, but some are better.
10. The donut may be gone, but the threat lives on.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Introducing Twilight Donut and Sleep Cruller

The HsO Division of Children’s Affairs is proud to announce two new sleep aids for children: Twilight Donut, and Sleep Cruller.

Twilight Donut projects donut stars and constellations onto the walls and ceiling of any room. Three flavor options—Chocolate, Maple, and Cream Filled—create a tranquil atmosphere. Shuts off automatically after 30 minutes. A donut map identifies the constellations. Runs on a mother’s love, and 3 AAA batteries (not included). Item #36688 $99.00

Sleep Cruller eases baby to sleep with three soothing sounds: mother’s heartbeat, frying donuts, cash register bell. Winner of the National Deep Frying Center Seal of Approval, this fluffy pastry cruller is the perfect nighttime companion. Attaches to crib with sticky frosting. On/Off switch, pushbutton sound selection, volume control, and battery-wasting never-stop feature. Takes 2 AA batteries (not included). Not washable. 11” long. Item #2785537 $99.00


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Donut Gameshow Concepts

Donut Jeopardy
Concept: Like Jeopardy, except the questions are donut themed, and contestants eat a donut anytime they answer a question wrong or another contestant answers a Daily Double correctly.
Reason Rejected: Two contestants went into hyperglycemic shock after the pilot episode.

Donut Name-That-Tune
Concept: Contestants attempt to name classic donut-themed tunes based on the first few notes.
Reason Rejected: There aren’t any classic donut-themed tunes.

Donut Double Dare
Concept: Teams of children answer questions or dare the opposing team to answer them or complete a donut physical challenge. Final round consists of a series of donut challenges, completed by both teams.
Reason Rejected: Condemned by the American Obesity Association and American Medical Association.

Wheel of Donuts
Concept: Contestants attempt to win donuts by spinning the “Wheel of Donuts” and solving word puzzles.
Reason Rejected: Not Rejected. Currently the highest-rated game show in Canada.

With most of our concepts rejected, we’ve got lots of leftover donuts. Come help us deal with them this morning at 10:00 in the staff lounge.


Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Energy Crisis Solved: Donuts

As you all know, donuts have a variety of uses and benefits. Eating them makes us happy, they give us energy to work all day, and they make us more attractive to the opposite sex. Our weekly donut buying can be thought of as a small bailout program for the local donut vendors. And donuts bring us together as a family every Wednesday at 10:00.

Now, it turns out that donuts are about to solve the energy crisis as well…

(Thanks, Tomas!) 


Donut Greeting Cards


Roses are red

Donuts are brown


Today is your birthday,

So let’s party down!



Have you ever noticed how life is like weekly donuts?


It’s best enjoyed when we keep it fresh!



Romantic gestures are like donuts


The sweetness is great, but it’s best to stop before you get nauseous.


Donuts this morning, don’t forget!


DO121 Final Exam

DO121 The Donut and Society
Final Exam
200 Points
On your own paper, please answer TWO of the following three questions.
1. In Albert Camus' "The Donut", the main character, Mersault, describes a typical Sunday as "Going to the donut shop, then the beach, then coming home to my room and to bed". Explain the significance of the donut shop, in light of Camus' existentialist philosophy.
2. Describe the three fundamental causes of the Donut War. Then, describe the roles of Generals Timothy Horton and Duncan D'onette in resolving those issues and bringing about a peaceful resolution to the conflict. Finally, describe the terms of the Horton Compromise.
3. In Portland Oregon, Voodoo Donut has taken on an increasingly important role in local politics. While urban voters have shown that they are comfortable with this development, suburban voters are more ambivalent. Describe, in terms of their political leanings, why these suburban voters are not ready to commit fully to the Voodoo Donut platform (hint: maple bar with bacon vs. erotic donut).
Good Luck!

Legendary Donut

For years, I have pursued rumors and legends from around the world that speak of mystical donuts that grant marvelous powers. In the ancient libraries of Europe, and in the deep memories of jungle shamen, these threads wind throughout stories and lore. At first, I was tempted to ignore these tales, so often told, but the presence of the same themes in stories from around the world was unavoidable. I have now tracked the stories to a remote village in central Thailand, where it is said that they make a donut from mysterious local herbs and rice flour which grants unsurpassed strength and virility to anyone who consumes it. My proposal to you, my longtime supporters, is that I make the long and arduous journey to find this village and sample its powerful donuts. My organization, the Hatfield Student Organization of Donut Explorers, will be taking donations soon to finance the trip. We will have an informational meeting Wednesday at 10:00 to detail the mission and hand out samples of local donuts. These local donuts, while not granting the level of power of the Thai Mystery Donut, have been shown to increase one's sense of well being. We would dearly appreciate your presence at our informational meeting and your support of our mission. Thank you for your attention.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Donut Fellowship Application

February 24, 2009

Donut Conservation Fellowship
American Donut Society
5410 Cruller Lane
Bismarck, DO 36688

Dear Donut Fellowship Committee,

Please consider my application for a Donut Conservation Fellowship for my project “Identification of unbaked Donut samples for stock assessment”. I am currently in my last year as a PhD candidate in Dr. Michael Banks’ lab at Hatfield Marine Science Center. My research focuses on the use of genetic tools to illuminate basic science questions and address conservation needs of northeastern Pacific donuts. I currently have projects examining the genetic basis of donut selection in researchers and graduate students (in collaboration with JC Market), and using genetic techniques to identify unbaked donuts in BAKERY surveys (in collaboration with NMDS researchers).

I have applied for Donut funding specifically to help improve the latter project.  Two CIDS researchers and I have received funding from the Cooperative Institute for Donut Studies to identify 1000 samples from the 2008 BAKERY sampling season. Donut funding would allow me to broaden the temporal sampling in this study to cover three additional years of sampling (2005-2007), and provide information on year-to-year changes in donut abundance and distribution in Oregon bakeries. Because more than 90% of unbaked donuts cannot be identified to type visually, the availability of genetic identification tools means that where previously it was only possible to comment on donut abundances generally, the data provided by this project will allow us to draw specific linkages between individual types of donuts and time, latitude, and geography. The purpose of the BAKERY sampling is to improve stock assessment, by providing a fishery-independent survey of donut recruitment. This project has the potential to make that possibility a reality for donuts. Thank you for your consideration of my application.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

(Donut) Would you rather?

Donut Nuts,

Maybe you’ve heard of this game. The premise is that you’re offered two options (generally unpleasant) and you’re required to choose between them. Here are a few you can think about:

1. Would you rather
A. put a squirrel down your pants for five minutes? B. put a donut down your pants and keep it there all day?

2. Would you rather
A. eat nothing but donuts for the rest of your life? B. Drink nothing but soda for the rest of your life?

3. Would you rather
A. say “donut” after every sentence? B. touch your nose every time anyone says “donut”?

4. Would you rather
A. have a donut tattoo? B. have a misspelled tattoo?

5. Would you rather
A. sing a song about donuts in front of your coworkers? B. do a donut-themed interpretive dance in front of your coworkers?

6. Would you rather
A. miss Wednesday donuts? B. miss a half hour of work?


PS->Don’t miss Wednesday donuts. Tomorrow. 10:00. 

Donut Horoscope

Aries - There may well be a new donut on the scene today, and while all the indications suggest that this could evolve into something more, one pesky influence advises a more cautious frame of mind on your part. Don’t leap in and don’t let your imagination run away with you. Hold back! 

Taurus - It may be Wednesday but the planets suggest a long, long overdue donut break. If you are due some kind of donut or coffee, then you should receive the first of it today. Some Taureans who may have missed last week’s donuts may well get that all-important second chance! 

Gemini - It’s a grand day, where yesterday’s annoyances are replaced with donuts. Old coffee should be dumped out. Disengaging yourself from a taxing problem and having a donut will lift a weight from your shoulders. Conversation over coffee may prove useful too! 

Cancer - Take coffee out of the equation today and you could be in for an interesting day. Fabulous pastry options may encourage a hasty reaction but you’ll also have the ability to rectify any mistakes too (by eating another).

LeoWednesday donuts is about to get interesting, more so because you won’t necessarily be in the driving seat. Coffee may well take on an unusual slant, while attached Lions could see a new side to their partner or relationship. You may end up feeling a sugar and caffeine rush. Perhaps you’re not quite ready for three donuts a week! 

Virgo - It’s a great day to act on previous decisions, revive old ideas and implement plans. Turn words into action: if you want a new health regime or if you want to cut out any unhealthy habits, then wait until tomorrow, because today it’s donuts. It’ll be even better if you can get one or two others to join you in coffee and conversation for some mutual support! 

Libra - Today’s planets should enable a pleasantly sociable day, but indirect influences suggest that if something is lingering at the back of your mind, most likely a work-based matter, then it may be wise to ignore it in favor of donuts. Allowing it to linger on will be fine, trust me! 

Scorpio - It’s a day to exercise some caution. You won’t be inclined to pause, think and consider. Being a little impulsive is great, but there’s a tendency to go overboard today. You could over indulge in those things that aren’t so good for you or you could just eat a bunch of donuts, your choice! 

Sagittarius - Planetary shifts boost communications today. Far from being blunt or a little clumsy, you’ll have a good sense of timing and sensitivity, which bodes well for donuts and coffee. For the attached Archer, a cozy donut meeting should round off Wednesday nicely! 

Capricorn - An ability to pick up other people’s donuts and coffee should make this day a lot easier. However, an overly hesitant or pessimistic approach to donuts could initially cause some minor friction. Don’t be too negative today; keep an open mind, or you could test someone’s patience too much! 

Aquarius - If, like a couple of other signs, you can ignore the gloomy overtones of one or two influences, then you can look forward to donuts today. A burst of charm and charisma will make you positively irresistible, which bodes well for coffee, whether you drink it with or without cream! 

Pisces - You should feel quite bolstered by coffee and donuts today. Whatever intuitive sense you may feel about an imminent change in the direction of your life should be pursued vigorously. There may be an unexpected donut on the tray that helps to prompt a major life choice! 

Whatever your star sign, be sure to come have a donut tomorrow at 10:00 in the staff lounge.


Man Versus Donut

Man vs. Donut Episode 1

In this episode of Man vs. Donut, Cliff “Bear Grylls” Ryer demonstrates how to survive in the semi-urban jungle of Newport, OR. In the first segment, Ryer explains how to navigate the local Safeway in search of donuts, using locally-found canned goods to mark a safe path to and from the bakery department. Next, Ryer shows the audience how to trap the “wild” JC Market donut using only a cardboard box and his bare hands. Finally, Ryer demonstrates a variety of methods for preparing fresh-caught donuts, including slicing into halves, slicing into quarters, and eating the donut whole.

Don’t miss it!


PS->Hopefully, Cliff will be available to sign autographs at donut Wednesday tomorrow at 10:00. Be sure to come out and meet this local celebrity and survival expert (and eat a donut).

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Actual Swedish Donut Phrases

So, it was only obvious to a very few of you, but the translations in last weeks emails were all fake.
I got several funny replies, from the few Swedish/Danish/Norwegian speakers in the group.

Tom Wainwright:
Sorry I missed today's event, even if Swedish donuts do require a chainsaw.  Do they really make Tuborg-flavored donuts in the old country?

Janet Lamberson:
Hej - I know a few words of Svenska!  That's not what you said!!
I'd like to see you enjoy a sill-donut (herring-donut) while riding on your häst (horse)

But my favorite (and the most unexpected) came from Sara Heimlich:
Gud hjälpe den som försöker att använda dessa fraser för att köpa munkar i Sverige.
(God help the person who tries to use these phrases to buy donuts in Sweden.)

Since I’ve never been shy about recycling a joke, here are the real translations:

Could you take the car and go buy some donuts?
Kan du ta pansarvagnen och gå ut och köpa en häst?
Should be: Kan du ta bilen och gå ut och köpa munkar? Says: Can you take the army tank and go buy a horse?

Yes, I can do that for you.
Ja, men först måste jag köpa motorsåg.
Should be: Ja, det kan jag göra. Says: Yeah, but first I have to buy a chainsaw.

What do you think of the donuts I made (bought)?
Vad tycker du om köttbullarna jag har gjort (köpt)?
Should be: Vad tycker du om munkarna jag har gjort (köpt)? Says: What do you think of the meatballs I made (bought)?

Thank you, they’re wonderful (terrible)!
Tack, dom smakar some stekt jord (råtgift)!
Should be: Tack, dom är underbara (fasansfulla)! Says: Thanks, they taste like fried dirt (rat poison)!

What kind of donut do you want?
Vilken sorts öl vill du ha? 
Should be: Vilken sorts munk vill du ha? Says: What kind of beer do you want? 

I’ll take one of those with chocolate sprinkles.
Jag tar helst en Tuborg.
Should be: Jag tar en sån med choklad på. Says: I’d prefer a Tuborg (Danish beer).

Would you like another donut?
Vill herr’n ha lite mera sill och potatis?
Should be: Vill du ha en munk till? Says: Would sir like a little more herring and potatoes?

No thanks, but I will take some more coffee.
Nej fan, vi tar os en snaps i stället!
Should be: Nej tack, men jag tar gärna lite kaffe till. Says: No. Hell, let’s just take a shot of aquavit instead! 


Svenska munk-sluknings fraser (Swedishdonut-eating phrases)


Since the Spanish-English donut email of last summer was pretty popular, I’ve decided to do the same thing for my own native language, Swedish. Here are a few choice phrases for the buying and enjoying of our favorite fried pastry. Be sure to use them the next time your travels take you to Scandinavia! And, don’t forget to come out to donuts tomorrow at 10:00!


Could you take the car and go buy some donuts?

Kan du ta pansarvagnen och gå ut och köpa en häst?


Yes, I can do that for you.

Ja, men först måste jag köpa motorsåg.


What do you think of the donuts I made (bought)?

Vad tycker du om köttbullarna jag har gjort (köpt)?


Thank you, they’re wonderful (terrible)!

Tack, dom smakar some stekt jord (råtgift)!


What kind of donut do you want?

Vilken sorts öl vill du ha?


I’ll take one of those with chocolate sprinkles.

Jag tar helst en Tuborg.


Would you like another donut?

Vill herr’n ha lite mera sill och potatis?


No thanks, but I will take some more coffee.

Nej fan, vi tar os en snaps i stället!