Emergency Ration Donuts

Hatfielders,

Here on the Pacific coast, the primary natural disaster threat we face is that of earthquakes and tsunamis. In the face of this threat, we’ll practice evacuating to the nearest high ground tomorrow at the usual donut time. Afterwards, I encourage you to join us in the donut lounge for a round-table discussion of survival foods entitled “Donuts: The Perfect Disaster Survival Food”. Some pertinent facts to get you thinking:

1. Donuts are easily portable

2. Donuts do not require utensils to eat

3. Donuts are calorie-dense

4. Donuts are highly palatable

5. Donuts are hypoallergenic

6. Donuts are a natural conversation-starter

7. Donuts can help you meet members of the opposite sex

8. Donuts can function as an emergency flotation device

9. Donuts will help you smite your enemies

10. I like Donuts

-MLJ

 

PS-> I got a very funny reply to last week’s email from a highly respected member of the community. I’ll share it anonymously here. If this individual wants credit, they can let me know. ;-)

Additional Donut Health Benefits:

If applied in sufficient qualities, has been known to be a mood enhancer with a side effect of weight gain.

Also effective to stop diarrhea if appropriately applied as an external "preparation".

 

Mattias Johansson

Marine Fisheries Genetics

Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station

Hatfield Marine Science Center

2030 SE Marine Science Drive

Newport, OR 97365

Phone: 541-867-0421

Fax: 541-867-0345

http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Donut Health Myths

Dear HAAD Member,

Recently, it has come to the organization’s attention that there are potentially dangerous rumors being circulated about the medical benefits of donuts. In line with our mission to be a source of reliable donut information, we are distributing this email to clear up any confusion, and to highlight the true benefits of eating a weekly donut.

First, donuts have very few benefits when taken externally. The frosting on a fresh maple bar does make an effective pomade replacement, but the use of donuts as a depilatory, or to promote hair regrowth, is not supported by medical evidence (in fact, the suggestion that the same item could perform both functions should be seen as a warning that the claims are untrue). Also, the Sun Protection Factor of donuts is likely to be lower than a true sunblock, and will vary widely by type of donut. Donuts are likewise largely ineffective when used externally to deal with skin problems, such as acne, psoriasis, or dandruff. However, the use of donuts to prevent dry skin is effective.

Second, some claims for the internal use of donuts can easily be demonstrated to be false. While the tooth-whitening effect of donuts is well supported by medical research, donuts are not an effective replacement for regular dental checkups, as has been claimed. Donuts can be part of a sensible weight-reduction plan, but as with so many single-food diets (the Grapefruit Diet, the Atkins Diet, the Mud Diet), a donut diet will not contain all the nutrients necessary for good health and fitness. A donut and apple diet will be healthy and safe, however. Donuts should also not be used as a replacement for regular vaccination. While applying a donut to the site of a wound has been demonstrated to slow the spread of tetanus, only a tetanus shot can prevent longer term problems.

We hope this information helps to clarify some true donut benefits. Feel free to contact your local HAAD representative with any questions.

-MLJ

PS->Come eat a health donut tomorrow @10:00 in the Donut Lounge.

Welcome to the HAAD!

Congratulations, you have been nominated by a colleague for a free lifetime membership in the Hatfield Association for the Advancement of Donuts (HAAD). The HAAD serves Hatfield as an advocacy group for donut-related issues, as a funder of donut research, and as a social network for donut enthusiasts. By joining the group, you are making the statement that you take donut science seriously, and that you want to assist in building the most donut-friendly world possible. To accept your membership, simply fill out the attached membership certificate with your name, and display it prominently in your office.

-MLJ

Membership Certificate

PS->Also, there will be donuts in the Donut Lounge tomorrow @ 10am. Be there.

 

Mattias Johansson

Marine Fisheries Genetics

Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station

Hatfield Marine Science Center

2030 SE Marine Science Drive

Newport, OR 97365

Phone: 541-867-0421

Fax: 541-867-0345

http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma