Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Celebrate the world not ending at Donuts!

True Donut Believers,
Since I’m writing this, it’s obvious we didn’t all get destroyed in a maple-flavored cataclysm on Saturday. Although I had complete faith in my prediction, it appears that I was wrong. On investigation, it turned out that several pages of my cookbook were stuck together with frosting, and so were not included in the calculation. So, my math was perfect, but incomplete. Based on a back-of-the-envelope calculation with all pages included, I now believe that the world will end in a wave of frosting on October 21, 2011. So, it still won’t be long until we’re gathering for donuts in the next world. In the meantime, I apologize if any of you sold all your possessions, but at least you have your faith to preserve you. Well, that and Wednesday Donuts. See you there.

PS->Donuts this morning come courtesy of Marion Mann. Thanks, Marion!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Last Donuts Before Judgement Day

May 21, 2011: Judgement Day

The purpose of this tract is to inform you of the great urgency there now is in the world for each and every person to be reconciled to Donuts. Wednesday is the Day of Donuts! Donuts teach that on May 21st, 2011, only true believers who have eaten enough donuts to receive salvation will be raptured (taken up) out of this world to meet the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the air and forever be with the Noodly Lord. Everything I declare has the full authority of Donuts themselves. Now, at this time, information is coming forth from the Donuts which clearly reveals the Donuts’ plan for Judgment Day and the end of the world itself. The Donuts have opened up their secrets concerning the timeline of history. This information was never previously known because the Donuts had closed up the Donut Box of Knowledge, blocking any attempt to gain knowledge of the end of the world. We read about this in the book of Donuts:
Donuts 10:9 We are the door: by eating if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find a well stocked bakery.
The Donuts are very clear that Donuts are the only way into Valhalla. They are the only portal into the glorious kingdom of pastry:
Donuts 4:12 Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other baked good under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

Come get yourself right with eternity this morning, 10:00, in the Donut Worship Center.

PS->Eternal salvation this week courtesy of Dave Sampson. Thanks, Dave!

Friday, May 13, 2011

George Boehlert Birthday Donuts!!!

Today is a very special day, because today George Boehlert turns [redacted] years old! Imagine: in his lifetime, George has witnessed [redacted], [redacted], and the election of the first African-American president. In the middle ages, a man of George’s years would have been considered ancient and wise (as opposed to our modern opinion: handsome and wise). Come celebrate George’s special day at donuts. There will be one donut for every year of George’s life. So, as you can imagine, we will need help consuming them all.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Candace Rogers, in honor of George’s special day. Thanks, Candace!

Genetics! and Donuts

I’m genetixing my brains out, so will be forced to miss donuts this morning. Damn it.
Enjoy a donut for me, though. I’ll be crying in my master mix.

PS->Don’t know who’s buying, but thanks!

Dunkin Donuts

He first saw her through the window of the Dunkin Donuts on Jamison Street. She was pleasantly rounded. Not quite donut shaped, not quite woman shaped, but like a friendly compromise between the two. It was a shape that he could work with. He knew he had to have her.

“Hey, Chief. You got a minute?”
“Yeah, what’s up, Carlos?”
“They found another one, up in Smith Canyon.”
“Same M.O.?”
“Yeah. Heavyset. Hole right through the middle.”
“What’s this guy’s deal, Chief? I mean, what’s he trying to say?”
“I don’t know. Maybe he likes donuts. I really don’t know.”
“Maybe he thinks we like donuts. What the f***.”
“Let me know what the evidence team turns up.”
“Will do.”

PS->Don’t know who’s buying this week, but thanks, Mysterious Benefactor!