Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Hockey and Donuts

Donut Sports Fans,

As all of you undoubtedly know, hockey and donuts go hand-in-hand. All the donut shop chains currently in existence were started by retired hockey players, for example: Howard Dunkin, Fredrick “Krispy” Kreme, Tim Horton, to name a few. The reason for this connection is the measurable improvement in player performance when donuts are used as an energy source. I experienced this myself last weekend, at my weekly rec-league game in Eugene. The game was closely fought, with plenty of shots countered by strong defense on both sides. But, at the end of regulation, the score stood at Team Snuggie 3 – Eugene Extreme 3, and the game was going to a shootout. First, three shooters from each side would try their luck against the goalie. If no decision was reached, the teams would alternate shooters until one team had a goal advantage. The other team missed their first. My team’s first shooter scored. The opposing second shooter missed, as did our second. Still 1-0. The other team’s third shooter scored. 1-1. Our third did not. Still 1-1. Going on. Both teams alternated shooters, working through their lineups, failing to reach the back of the net. My turn was rapidly approaching. I heard a tap on the glass. I looked back and Mara tossed me a pack of Hostess Donettes. You know the ones: they’ve got a brown plastic “chocolate” coating and are awesome. I immediately wolfed down three. It was my turn. I stuffed another Donette in my mouth and skated to center ice. As I started down the ice with the puck I could feel the chocolate coating the inside of my mouth, calming me. Approaching the goalie, I envisioned a donut box in the back of the net. The puck turned into a stale Bismarck and I knew I would score. I went right, to my backhand. Lifted the puck over the goalie’s leg pad. Right in the box. Baker’s Dozen, right there. Game over. Team Snuggie 3(2) – Eugene Extreme 3(1). Behold the power of donuts.


PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dacey Mercer. Thanks, Dacey!

Donut Mastery?

MLJ’s Lab Log
Lab Date 2010.03.02 19:36

Cloning Day 13

Clones Started: Samples 2577-2584
Clones Transferred: Samples 2569-2576
Clones Completed: 2559-2568 No samples 2564,2565
Sequences Edited: None

Notes: I was visited by an Ancient Evil in the lab today. I’m not certain, but I may have been muttering mysterious incantations in an effort to keep myself awake late in the day. Whatever the cause, a portal to Hell opened up and the Evil stepped out along with two Revenants. While the Revenants wandered out of the lab and down the hall, the Evil spoke to me.
“I have come to help you accomplish your evil laboratory work,” it said.
“This really isn’t that kind of lab,” I retorted.
It cut me off with a “Silence, Mortal,” and continued, “Use your mastery over the evil donut to enslave humanity. Force them to do your evil bidding in the laboratory.”
“Listen,” I said, “there are so many problems with that plan that I don’t know where to start. First, writing emails on a topic hardly equals mastery. Second, enslaving humanity sounds like a ton of work. I’d be better off just doing the lab work myself.”
“OK, fair enough,” the Evil replied. “It was just a thought.”
“Thanks for trying.”
“No problem. Now, can you tell me where I can find Ben Laurel? We’re collaborating on a project looking at the ichthyofauna of the River Styx.”
“Man, that guy has collaborators everywhere,” I said. “Anyway, his office is in the RSF. Fifth or sixth door on the right.”
“Thanks. See you later.”
“Alright, see you.”

One final note, I don’t seem to be experiencing any ill effects from my recent coffee-and-donuts lab diet or lack of sleep. So that’s one thing I can stop worrying about. And donuts is tomorrow!

Thankfully I only have to keep this up until June.


PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ric Brodeur. Thanks, Ric!