Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Winter donuts, already?!?

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but oh the weather outside is frightful. Thankfully, donuts are so delightful. And since we've no place to go (but work), let it snow. It doesn't show signs of stopping, and Heidi’s putting on some coffee. The lights are not turned down low. Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow. Donuts, LAP S185, 10am. (If you’re shy and reserved, rather than sneaking into the office for a donut at 11, feel free to knock 3 times on the door to 185 and we’ll all look away as you come in for a donut.)

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Erica Young and John Berges. Honestly, these two good people might be the nicest (and my favorite) married professor couple consisting of two people from Commonwealth countries who have both worked in Europe and are now employed in Wisconsin I’ve ever met. Seriously, they’re great. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

John Powell's Last Donuts! LAP N202

Dr. John Powell, the best Postdoc in the Bio Department, is leaving us. Lucky bastard, he’s managed to land a permanent gig in that paradise on the St. Mary’s River, Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan. I know it’s hard to hear this news, but we have to try to think mostly of John, and his lovely family. I can’t help but think that the department will struggle, without John’s noble mustache to lead us on, but we’ll move forward together.
Come make your peace with John’s departure today at Wednesday Donuts: 10am in LAP N202.

PS->Turns out, that noble mustache is concealing a noble heart. John’s chipping in the cost of donuts this week as a farewell.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Donut endings and Donut beginnings

It’s grey and cold this morning and my mind turns to the coming winter, and the winding down of my time here at UWM. As a confirmed creature of habit, it makes me wonder what the future holds. Are things going to be better in a new place? What happens to the donut empire I’ve built here? Will someone carry on the tradition, or will this tiny light, trying to draw the department closer, go out? Either way, I’d love to see donuts go out with a flourish. If you haven’t been in a while, come out for one last cruller before I move on.
Wednesday Donuts, 10am, LAP S185

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of my donut heir, Heidi “MLJ v.2” Hargarten.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Donuts and Fountain Pens

I found a really cool fountain pen in my mailbox this week, along with a note from my friend Ben Franklin. To say it made my day would be a major understatement. There’s nothing quite as much fun (in the writing world) as writing with a fountain pen. So I resolved to write this week’s donut email with the pen. What a pleasure. Then, halfway through I realized that I didn’t know how to get a handwritten donut email out to everyone. So, I rewrote the email with the keyboard. I’m not sure how I’ll get the scratches out of the monitor either, but that’s an email for another day.
Wednesday Donuts, 10 am, LAP S185.

PS->This is the last week of Ben’s generous donation. If you’ve got $20 burning a hole in your pocket, let Heidi or I know.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Donuts in the best of all possible worlds

We live in a golden age. Crime is way down. Rates of worldwide poverty and hunger have never been lower. You can carry your music collection in your pocket, even if it’s too big to fit on a single cassette. PhDs in Biology are abundant across the land. Sounds like it might be time to celebrate! Wednesday Donuts, LAP S185, 10am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of our dear friend, “Benjamin Franklin”. Did you know: Franklin coined one of my favorite phrases, “In the dark all cats are grey”, modernized to “All cats are grey in the dark.” Awesome. Founding father, kite enthusiast, lover of old cats. What a good guy.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Donut Job?

Beloved colleagues,
I’ve just revised my job application cover letter for an assistant professor job I’m applying for at the University of the Northwest. Can you take a look at it and offer suggestions?

Dear Search Committee,
I’m writing to apply for your recently advertised position in Molecular Genetics. Please, please, please give me a job. I’m desperate. My wife said she’d leave me if I don’t get a real job soon. How about this: if you hire me, I’ll start a Wednesday Donuts in your department? Mmm, donuts.
Yours Sincerely and Professionally,
Mattias Johansson

Wednesday Donuts, LAP S185, 10am

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of our mysterious friend, Ben Franklin. As great as he/she is, I’m thinking Ben Franklin should be president. Of Earth. I’m starting the campaign now, so if you want to volunteer, let me know. As Obama showed us, it’s all about your ground game.

Wild donut conjecture

Thankfully, we still don’t know the identity of our mysterious donut benefactor, “Benjamin Franklin”. So now it’s time for some wild conjecture about their identity, based on no evidence (a la CNN). First, we know that the note was written in pen. So, they’re obviously intelligent enough to write with a pen. Unfortunately, while this eliminates all departments outside of Biology, it doesn’t tell us more than we already suspected. The next clue is that the pen they used was blue. This suggests that they are quite physically attractive (beautiful, or possibly handsome), in addition to their intelligence. Again, this pretty much encompasses all of Biology, plus Jordan and our beloved janitorial team. So, no closer to the truth. I guess it remains a mystery.
Wednesday Donuts, LAP S185, 10am.

PS->Donuts courtesy of Biology’s Best Friend Forever (BBFF), “Ben Franklin” (BF)!

A Donut Mystery

A week or so ago, something interesting happened. I got mail in my mailbox. While that in itself was pretty great (and rare), the mail itself was even better. In an envelope labelled Wednesday Donuts, I found an anonymous note. The note said:
“Ben was pushing Patrick Henry to use the phrase “give me Liberty or give me donuts” but it didn’t pass the marketing test. He’d be proud to sponsor the Wednesday Liberty Donuts”
Clipped to the note was a month’s worth of sponsorship, in the form of a crisp $100 bill.
To say that it made my day would be a major understatement. There’s nothing I like better than an anonymous (and mysterious) gift. I’m still smiling at the charm of it all. I hope the mystery is never solved.
So, thanks, Ben Franklin. You’ve really made me smile.
Wednesday Donuts, 10am, LAP S185.


Liz Kierepka's Last Donuts!

Liz K. is about to shake the dust of Milwaukee off her feet and start living the Hollywood lifestyle of the PostDoc. We’ll miss her conversation, her love of fine food and fine mini bottles of wine, and her techniques for distracting dancin’ pirates. She won’t miss us at all, because she’ll have all the wealth and power that come with being a PostDoc. Come celebrate her coming up in life tomorrow at Wednesday Donuts, LAP S185, 10:00am.

PS->Donuts courtesy of Dr. Liz Kierepka! A generous last gesture on her way to bigger and better things. ;-)
PPS->To the mysterious “Ben Franklin”: Thanks! Your generosity really made our day (and the next 5 weeks). More later.

Thoughtful Donuts, N202

I woke up this morning around 3:30 with shoulder pain, as I have for the past week or so. The great thing about waking up really early is that it gives you plenty of time to think. As I lay there, I thought to myself how great my situation is. I love my job, and the people I work with. I work in a great department, full of awesome people. I own the motorcycle that I’ve dreamed about owning since I was 15 (even if I can’t ride it properly). I get together with colleagues for donuts every week. Truly, not a bad life at all. Now, if only I could sleep until 6:30…
Donuts is in N202 this morning, 10am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Jordan Gonnering, building technical guy extraordinaire. Jordan is great because he supports donuts, but he also regularly supports crazy Alberto Lab schemes. Whether we need to build an Ikea hack standing desk or saw something in half, he’s there with the tools and advice. Thanks for all the support, Jordan!

Recovery Donuts

Contrary to popular belief, Wednesday Donuts is not my only interest. I ski, kayak, mountain bike, and hike. I also ride a motorcycle. On Sunday, I did my first track day with my Ducati. Track days are awesome, in that you can practice your riding skills while away from many of the dangers of riding a motorcycle on the road. And it’s amazingly fun. Bombing down the front straight at 100+mph makes you feel like a superhero, no joke. Unfortunately, it’s not completely risk free… so, of course a moment of inattentiveness (and edge-of-the-track target fixation) and I binned the Ducati coming out of the chicane. Luckily, both I and the bike were relatively unscathed. Unluckily, my one injury is a pretty serious clavicle fracture. I’ll be hunkering down in the safety of Wednesday Donuts, recovering, for the next 6-8 weeks. Feel free to join me tomorrow, 10 am in LAP S185.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ambi Henschen and Becky Schneider. As far as I know, neither girl has ever crashed a motorcycle, but I won’t hold that against them. They’re still generous, and pretty cool. Thanks, ladies!

Nelson's Last Donuts!

So, the day we've been dreading is finally (nearly) here. Nelson's packing up his Milwaukee life and heading back to old Europe. It's a sad moment, but it's been a year of great memories. There was that time we played a farewell concert on the roof of Lapham Hall, the time we won a shrimp eating contest (and found out later that the shrimp were bad, if you know what I mean), the time Nelson pipetted a bunch of samples... Man, the list goes on and on. I know the Alberto Lab is going to miss him, as will lots of other people. But, all good things have to come to an end. Come to donuts and wish Nelson a fond farewell. If he leaves donuts early, we can just reminisce about stuff that may never have happened instead.
Wednesday Donuts, LAP S185, 10am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of our own beloved Nelson, generous to the last. Thanks, Nelson!

Donuts in N202 today!

Donuts this week courtesy of the Amazing Four, who gained superpowers after exposure to cosmic rays during a scientific experiment in their lab. The Amazing Four are: Mister Kangaroo (Justin Speck), a scientific genius and the leader of the group, who can transform into a red kangaroo in order to kick enemies or jump over stuff; Concrete Man (Adwaita Parida), who can control concrete with his mind and is best known for his "cinderblock punch"; Venus Flytrap (Sydnee Rausch), who swallows enemies whole and digests them slowly for their sweet, sweet nitrogen; and the Waterboy (Shubhajit Mitra), who is capable of transforming into any form of H20 in order to pass through tight spaces or freeze an enemy's head off. 
Thanks, Amazing Four! Your secret identities are safe with me.
Donuts in N202 this week. 10am.


At least there are Donuts

There are some pretty scary things going on in the world right now.​ Planes are crashing, Eastern Europe is turning into a war zone, the Gaza Strip is being blown to kingdom come, Ebola keeps spreading farther across Africa, the plastic everywhere is slowly poisoning us, people still say climate change is a hoax, there are land slides and floods and fires, the US government is I don't even know...

But hey, at least we have each other. And coffee and donuts.

Come to Lap 185 for a little Kum Ba Ya and donut therapy to ease your mind at 10am Today.


PS Donuts this week are brought to you by the one and only Jena Rock! She's pretty great, and always has a positive message to lift your spirits when you're feeling down and without a donut. Thanks Jena!

The Reason for Donuts

The following is a semi accurate transcript from the birth of Wednesday Donuts:

Mattias: Hey Heidi, I have an idea.

Heidi: Ok....

Mattias: We sit down here in the basement and we don't get to meet very many people in our department. We work all day everyday, and that's good fun, but wouldn't it be great if we could meet our fellow scientists here at UWM? We used to do this thing called 'Donuts' at my previous post doc at the Hatfield Marine Science Center. We would bring donuts each week, sponsored by one of the faculty, and we would all hang out for a half hour or hour and catch up. I learned some really interesting research from doing this and we even started more inter departmental collaborations. Plus it was good to take a break during the middle of the week. I found my productivity went up too.

Heidi: That's a fantastic idea Mattias! I would like to get to know my fellow grad students too. I'm genuinely interested in what other people are doing. This might help my networking skills too, since it can be difficult to talk to new people sometimes. I like the idea of creating more of a community within our department. It does get mighty lonely down here in basement...

Mattias: Excellent. You're the grad student, so you're going to do all the work, ie find donors, pick up the donuts, set up and take down... those sorts of things. I'm going to write witty emails each week to the department to invite everyone to join us.

Heidi: Sounds good Mattias.

Wednesday Donuts: Trying to create a sense community in the Bio Sci Department since January 2013. Stop on by at 10am in S185 today to grab a slice and meet someone new!


PS Donuts this week brought to you by members of the Young Lab, Jake and Livia. Jake is a PhD student doing crazy things with meat eating plants... I think he said something about making an army of killer mutant plants for the government. I've never seen Livia before this summer, so its quite possible she's from the government as well, helping him carry out his evil plan, or spying on all of us. It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for...

Party in the L.A.B

"Party in the L.A.B"

He hopped on the plane at 8:50
Said "gonna be gone three weeeeeks"
Off to the land of Swedish fish
with his wife to see the sights

Left me alone
with undergrads for the first time
Look to my right and I see Nelson smiling
This is all so crazy
We can totally have some fun now!

Nelson brought the chips and I've got a 12-pack
Undergrads are gettin' nervous
That's when Nelson said turn up the radio
And a Jay-Z song was on
And a Jay-Z song was on
And a Jay-Z song was oooooonnnnnnn

So we put our hands up
The PostDoc's gone
The butterflies fly away
Noddin' our heads like yeah
Pumpin' our fists like yeah
We got our hands up
the PostDocs gone
This is gonna be fun
Yeeaaaahhhhhhh, its a party in the L.A.B
Yeeaaaahhhhhhh, its a party in the L.A.B

If you want to sing along at Wednesday Donuts at 10am in 185 with us, its to the tune of "Party In The USA" by Miley Cyrus. We will have it on repeat the whole hour so you wont miss a beat.


PS Donuts this week are courtesy of Dr. Chuck Wimpee. Chuck is a man of many talents, and one is his mad skills on the acoustic guitar. Seriously, he brought me to tears one time. I bet he's the best guitar player in the department. Maybe next week he'll bring it to Wednesday Donuts and serenade us all....

I can't be funny every week: Wednesday Donuts

I can’t really come up with anything funny to write this week. With my postdoc here ending at the end of the year, I’ve been looking for my next opportunity. Sadly, it’s not going to be the permanent gig I’ve been hoping for, but I’m deciding between two different postdoc offers right now. I realize that it’s a wonderful problem to have, but it’s stressing me the heck out. How can you ever know what the right option is? Without a time machine, I mean. I’m naturally a worrier, so I can’t help but wonder if choosing one or the other will permanently torpedo my career. Stupid, maybe, but it does help me wake up nice and early in the morning. 2:30 or thereabouts…
Anyway, Wednesday Donuts. 10am LAP S185.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Kim Scherzer. Kim is a big reason that this department is a good place to work. She’s also been a steadfast supporter of Wednesday Donuts. I asked her to buy last week, but she didn’t have any cash. Then, money just appeared in my mailbox on Monday, with a note from Kim. Awesome.

Travel Donuts

So, I took a quick trip over to Windsor, Ontario on Monday as a “Visiting Scientist” (nudge, nudge, wink). Windsor is really close to Detroit, so it’s usually a pretty easy trip over. Since I booked the trip pretty late, I couldn’t get a direct to Detroit, so I ended up going through O’Hare. And then, on the trip back, the US travel system kerploded because there were thunderstorms in Chicago. To cut a long story short, it was the first time I’ve ever had a plane delayed more than three hours where my domestic connection WAS STILL THERE WAITING FOR ME. F***, it’s good to be home…
And in time for Donuts! (Just barely). LAP S185, 10:00am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Tony Paladino, our favorite “Italian Financial Guy” (nudge, nudge, wink). Sadly, Tony’s beloved Italians were eliminated from the World Cup yesterday by some South American cannibals. Not some isolated tribe, but the Uruguayan national team. To make Tony feel better, you should definitely visit him in his office, pat the back of his hand, and say “There, there, Tony. There, there.” Don’t worry if there’s a line out the door, Tony has all day. Everyone will get a turn.

No Donuts? No thanks!

As is common in the Postdoc game, my position here at UWM is winding down as the money runs out. So, I’ve been applying for new opportunities elsewhere, and figuring out where the winds of fortune will carry me next. I managed to sweet talk my way into an interview at J­­___ College last week, which seems to have gone well. Shockingly, they don’t have a Wednesday Donuts program, yet. I thought to myself, “No Wednesday Donuts? No Thanks!” Then I realized, I could take inspiration from the great man who started Wednesday Donuts at UWM and start my own in a new place. Then I further realized, I AM the great man who started Wednesday Donuts. And all was well.
Wednesday Donuts, LAP S185, 10am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of our favorite league of supervillains, the Consortium of Catastrophe. Apparently they’re bothered by their current low approval ratings, so they’re working on an outreach campaign. I’m not sure it’ll work, but it was decent of them to chip in. Thanks, CoC!

Sweet Donut O' Mine

It's got a shape that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as a new Krispy Kreme
Now and then when I see that shape
It takes me away to that
special place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably get a crazy sugar craving

Sweet donut o' mine
Sweet love of mine

Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Wednesday Donuts, LAP S185 10am


PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Laurel Symes. Dr. Laurel is a highly sought-after frog communicator. Once, I had her translate some stuff this frog was telling me. It turned out to be so filthy and obscene that I can’t repeat it here, but I do remember that toads were mentioned several times. Mmm, toads.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Memorial Day Donuts

Donuts this week courtesy of Shubhajit Mitra. As he particularly mentioned Memorial Day, and the importance of remembering the men and women who died while serving in the United States’ armed forces, here’s a story about soldiers and donuts, courtesy of NPR. If you feel particularly inspired by the story, you can support NPR here, and the American Red Cross here.

The story starts when Russ Roberts, a George Mason University economist, started hearing about how veterans don't like the Red Cross. That struck him as odd, and when he asked about it, he always got the same answer: the doughnuts.
"And I thought, the doughnuts?" Roberts says. "What could that be?"
Go to any VFW hall, even today, and you'll get the same story: During World War II, the Red Cross had comfort stations for soldiers overseas, with free coffee and free doughnuts. Then, in 1942, the Red Cross started charging for the doughnuts. Soldiers have held a grudge ever since.
Turns out it's true.
"It keeps coming up, that they were charged for coffee and doughnuts," says Susan Watson, archivist for the Red Cross.
The organization started charging only because the U.S. Secretary of War asked it to. British soldiers had to pay for their snacks, and the free doughnuts for Americans were causing tensions. So the Red Cross complied, after protesting to no avail. It didn't last long — for most of the last 70 years, Red Cross doughnuts have remained free — but veterans haven't forgotten.
Chalk it up to something called categorical change, says Uri Simonsohn, a University of Pennsylvania business professor. Price changes, people can adjust to. But this was different.
"Imagine, for Thanksgiving, you go to your parents' for dinner and after a nice dinner they say, 'That's going to be $10 per person,' " Simonsohn says. "You would be upset."
The problem isn't the price — $10 for a good turkey dinner might not be such a bad deal — but that you're being charged in the first place. It changes the relationship. For the veterans, the Red Cross went from being a little like Mom, to being the corner store.

So for all the Internet companies out there looking to charge for your service — take heed. Changing categories is really difficult.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

I lived to come to donuts!

I went mountain biking with Filipe on Sunday, on the Milwaukee River Trail. It was pretty great, but at one point, as I was trying to negotiate a narrow curve between a tree on one side and eternity on the other, I found myself having to confront both. Trying to sneak too close to the tree, I banged my shoulder into it and ended up flying off the other side of the trail. As I vaulted four feet sideways and four feet down to land with a kersplash in the river, I thought of donuts and you, my beloved colleagues. To my surprise, I survived to crawl ashore. Lucky to be alive, I’ll be at Wednesday Donuts this morning, counting my blessings. I hope you’ll be there too. LAP S185. 10am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Colin Scanes. In Dr. Scanes’ honor, I’ve composed a song of thanks, sung to the tune of O Tannenbaum:
Oh, Colin Scanes Oh, Colin Scanes
Your wallet held a twenty
Oh, Colin Scanes Oh, Colin Scanes
You’re generous in summertime
I put this line in ‘cause it rhymes
Oh, Colin Scanes Oh, Colin Scanes
I found you in your office
Oh, Colin Scanes Oh, Colin Scanes
Of all the Bio faculty
You seem the most British to me
Oh, Colin Scanes Oh, Colin Scanes

Your wallet held a twenty.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

It's Evil Sara's Last Donuts!

Our little undergrad is growing up. I can still remember when she joined the lab. Heidi and I went to help proctor Dr. Alberto’s stats exam, and looking over all the innocent faces I asked Heidi, “Which one’s our one?” When she pointed Evil Sara out I thought, “Hmm, interesting.” But she was barely even “Bad Sara” then. In the intervening year or so, she’s grown as a scientician and as a villain, so that now we’re proud to call her the best undergraduate we’ve ever worked with (N=1). And she’s leaving us for greener pastures. Not until August, really, but she’ll only be around the lab one day a week after Friday…and it’s not Wednesday, sadly.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of EVIL SARA! I’ve already talked enough about her, though. You know what else is great? My motorcycle. It’s a Ducati 900SS. Beautiful, and looks fast (but isn’t really that fast, by Ducati standards). I keep trying to convince my wife that we need more motorcycles, but she doesn’t really believe it.

Wonuts? Bah, back in my day...

So, I read on this newfangled inter-net blog from NPR that there’s a new donut hybrid available:
Personally, I just can’t understand this trend. First you have your cronut, then the sconut, then the blonut (that’s the bubblegum-filled one that’s so popular now). Where does it end?
In my day, we were happy if the donuts were filled at all. Sometimes it was mustard, but we were still happy. Those were different times, back in the mid-2000s. That’s why we stick with the old ways at Wednesday Donuts. No fusion donuts here, just old-fashioned donuts for people with old-fashioned ivory tower values.
Wednesday Donuts – LAP S185 10am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. John Berges. Dr. Berges is Canadian, eh. In Canada the national religion is to worship a former hockey player, Tim Horton. Some people go to the Tim Horton temple every day. With that level of religious fervor, it might be time for some drone strikes. Just saying. Canadians are good people though, because they share our Wisconsinian love of cheese that’s chewed up and spit out. Our mutual love of cheese curds may protect us in the event of a donut-themed religious war... 

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Wednesday Donuts

Remember all the fun we had last Friday? Eating cupcakes, looking at posters, thinking about how great the Department of Biological Sciences is? You can relive some of that fun today, at Wednesday Donuts. We’ll reminisce about our favorite talks, debate whether the poster session would have functioned as a sauna (if only we could have found some towels to wear), and get a morning caffeine boost. Be there, or Evil Sara will dissolve you with a withering look.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Sonia Bardy. Chant it with me now: So-nia Bar-dy clap-clap clapclapclap, So-nia Bar-dy clap-clap clapclapclap, So-nia Bar-dy clap-clap clapclapclap, So-nia Bar-dy clap-clap clapclapclap. She’s great, isn’t she? Thanks, Dr. Bardy!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Congratulations, Donut Winner!

Dear [Insert Donut Evader’s Name Here],
You have won a new 2014 Ducati Multistrada motorcycle, a new 2014 Subaru XV Crosstrek, or a new 2014 Sea Ray 205 Sport powerboat, of your choice, in a raffle you don’t remember entering. To claim your prize, come to Lapham Hall, room S185 between 10 and 11am on Wednesday, April 16, 2014. Prize winners will be required to show valid ID. An optional raffle cost deferral payment of $25 may be donated to cover the cost of future events.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Gerlinde Höbel. What is there to say about Dr. Höbel? She’s obviously very generous with her $25 bills, and a great teacher and scientist. But she’s also pretty Rock n Roll. You can tell by the metal umlaut in her name. The more umlauts, the more bädäss. Thanks, Dr. Höbel!

Mättïäs Jöhänssön, PhD
University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee
Department of Biological Sciences
P.O. Box 413

Milwaukee WI 53201

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Top 5 Most Delicious Donuts

1. That cinnamon swirl one with buttercream frosting
2. The cinnamon twist
3. The Bismarck with light filling, like Twinkie filling or something.
4. Maple bar
5. Anything with sprinkles
Come see if any of these delicacies appear in this week’s spread: Lap S185, 10am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Filipe Alberto. Filipe is a great guy. A good boss, mentor, and teacher, he’ll also give you a good run on the XC ski trail, or the mountain bike path. And yesterday he had $25 in his pocket. Thanks, Filipe!

Hemingway on Donuts

·         Don't you eat donuts? I notice you speak slightingly of the pastry. I have eaten donuts since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure. When you work hard all day with your head and know you must work again the next day what else can change your ideas and make them run on a different plane like coffee and a donut? When you are cold and wet what else can warm you? Before an attack who can say anything that gives you the momentary well-being that coffee and a donut does?... The only time it isn't good for you is when you ***** or when you fight. You have to do that cold. But it always helps my shooting. Modern life, too, is often a mechanical oppression and coffee and a donut is the only mechanical relief.
·         Postscript to letter to critic, poet and translator Ivan Kashkin (19 August 1935); published in Ernest Hemingway: Selected Letters 1917–1961 (1981) edited by Carlos Baker

Donuts. Is there anything they don’t improve? Lapham S185, 10am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ken Brockman. With a postdoc in his near future, and (presumably) brighter financial days ahead, Ken has generously decided to spend one of his last $25/month student paychecks on our weekly get-together. Now that’s generosity! Congrats on the new opportunity, Ken! Best of luck.

For the love of a good woman (or barring that, a good donut). (An Archive Classic)

Have you ever been in love?
You know, the way you can remember every detail, even after they're gone?
The way they feel, the way they smell, the way they make your fingers greasy when you touch them?

That's how I feel about donuts.

Come join the us this morning in the LAP N202 for coffee and love.


PS->Donuts this week courtesy of the original rocker, the rockin’est rock that ever rocked, the one and only Jena “Rock-It”, “Rocket”, “Rockette” Rock. These days, she’s also the rockin’est Phyllis who ever helped a graduate student. Maybe not as rockin’ as the original Phyllis, but still pretty good.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Donut day is here again!

So long sad times 
Go along bad times 
We are rid of you at last 
Howdy gay times 
Cloudy gray times 
You are now a thing of the past 
Donut day is here again 
The skies above are clear again 
So let's sing a song of cheer again 
Donut day is here again 
Altogether shout it now 
There's no one 
Who can doubt it now 
So let's tell the world about it now 
Donut Day is here again 
Your cares and troubles are gone 
There'll be no more from now on 
From now on... 
Donut day is here again 
The skies above are clear again 
So, Let's sing a song of cheer again 
Happy times 
Happy nights 
Donut day 
Is here again!

LAP S185, 10am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Madhusudan Dey. Your friend and mine, Dr. Dey uses Saccharomyces cerevisiae (yeast) as a model organism. The thought occurs that with all that yeast and glassware, maybe we can sweet talk Dr. Dey into starting a little home brewery on the side. It would certainly make colloquium a bit more colorful…

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The Monty Donut Problem

Imagine, you’ve finally gotten on your favorite game show, Wheel of Donuts, and you find yourself playing the classic Three-Door Game. Behind one door: a dozen donuts. Behind the other two: bagels (plus a guy who’s going to punch you in the face, in case you like bagels). You pick a door. Monty Donut opens another door and shows you a bagel, plus Rocko practicing making a fist. You’re offered the option: stay with your door, or change to the remaining door? What do you do?

The beauty part is that LAP S185 only has two doors, and both lead to donuts. Everyone’s a winner at 10:00am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of the Donut Organizing Committee and our numerous donors over the past couple of years. Man, we’re so great.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Wisconsin Donut Organization Member Profile

Mattias has been a donut shop owner and WDO member since 2012. The donut shop he owns came to him through a neighbor's generosity, and fulfilled a lifelong dream. "I've loved donuts since I was a kid," says Mattias, "but the poverty that came with college and graduate school kept donut shops comfortably out of reach. I could afford the occasional copy of Donut magazine (ideally with a new cruller on the cover), but that was it. Then I befriended (then-girlfriend, now-wife) Sarah's neighbors, Roger and Mary. Roger had a Dunkin franchise and 80-year-old knees, and had realized that the latter were starting to keep him from enjoying the former. So, he was selling the franchise. The asking price: $3500. Still about $3500 more than I could afford, sadly. But, Roger wasn't very patient. After a few months of trying to sell, the franchise was still in the garage, and Roger was formulating a different plan. I had moved to Milwaukee by that time, but Roger approached Sarah about giving us the franchise. Several discussions weighing the dangers of trans fats versus the awesomeness of donuts later, and the shop was ours. Ultimately, it would take another six months to get it (and Sarah) to Milwaukee, but both have been here for a little over a year now, and my life is complete. It turns out, owning your own donut shop is just as great as I suspected it was," says Mattias. "Now I just have to convince Sarah that they're even better in sets."

PS->An amazing thing happened to me last Friday. Someone kind and generous approached me to VOLUNTEER to buy donuts. That awesome someone? Dr. Jane Witten. It’s clear that her giving heart knows no bounds. She’s also a great scientist, and did a postdoc in Washington state, which makes her even cooler. Thanks, Dr. Witten!

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Donut Blues

In the style of my favorite bluesman, Calhoun Tubbs

Oh, it’s been snowin’ every day for 25 years
At least it feels like it here in Milwaukee

Been tryin’ to network and eat pastry
But my colleagues think they’re too fat

Come spring I’ll run for the border
Bike’ll prob’ly run right out of gas

In the cold ain’t nothin’ better than coffee
But we’re out of half and half

Thank you very much!

Free your mind. Donuts. LAP S185, Wednesdays at 10am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of the Johansson Family Foundation (my parents sent me some money for Valentine’s Day and there was some left over after Jack Pandl’s). The Johansson Family Foundation: Supporting professional networking and pastries through challenge grants, loans, and individual awards since 2014. Learn more at

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Donut health and wellness

Recent research published in the Stockholm Noble Prize Journal has shown that people who excessively limit their intake of calorie-optimized foods, such as donuts, are more likely to be depressed, boring, ugly, and professionally and romantically frustrated. It turns out that an intake of a donut to a donut and a half (depending on height and hair color) per week is optimal for most individuals. To ensure that everyone in Biological Sciences is optimally healthy, we’ve carefully calibrated our Wednesday donut supply. Don’t forget to take your weekly dose tomorrow. Lapham S185, 10am.

PS->This week’s donuts courtesy of Dr. Erica Young. Dr. Young is a skilled scientist and teacher, unfailing in her willingness to help students to learn and succeed in their educational goals. Dr. Young is also an excellent colleague, always approachable and welcoming of student and professional researchers looking for guidance and advice. Dr. Young is unquestionably an asset to the Department of Biological Sciences and UWM.

PPS->That was pretty nice, huh? 

Monday, February 10, 2014

Donuts are Beautiful, by Willodean Hargarten

Oh Beautiful
Oh glazen donut
With many colored sprinkles

Or covered with some powdered sugar
And filled with fruity gellllllll

They're Bea-uuuuuutiful
They're Bea-uuuuuutiful

Bun sheds her grace on donutsssssssss
And serve them alllllllllllll
With tasty coffee
For every lab tooooooo eeeeeeeeat

Donuts: LAP S185, 10am.


PS Donuts this week are courtesy of Tony Paladino. Tony is so awesome, he can sing that song in 13 different languages, without making the sugar-free-tofu fake donuts feel marginalized. Do you know why else he is awesome? Because he is giving you all donuts today. Thanks Tony!! 

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Networking Skills Training: Donuts

The skill of networking is one of the keys to career success in Biology. That’s why we offer a weekly Networking Skills Training at Donuts. Take the opportunity to talk to someone outside of your lab, or talk to a faculty member you don’t work directly under. You’ll often find that, like snakes and bears, they’re just as scared of you as you are of them.
Networking Skills 101: LAP S185, 10am Wednesdays.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of our good friend Albert O’Lab. Al’s not very bright, and he’s not much to look at, but he was the first member of his family to get out of bed this morning. He’s also the first to get a JD, MD, D.Phil, D.Div, MBA, and MFA. Now he’s batting the cycle with a PhD in Biology. And he’s spending his hard-earned money on Donuts. Awesome.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

NSF Donut Proposal: Submitted?

So, I just submitted a pre-proposal to NSF that I’ve been working on (with varying levels of panic) for a while. The trouble is, submitting proposals is incredibly anti-climactic. There aren’t fireworks, or balloons that drop, or anything. Not even an email of congratulations and good luck. So, I’m declaring tomorrow’s Donuts to be the official Proposal Submission Celebration Donuts. If you’ve ever submitted a proposal, anywhere, it’s time your hard work was acknowledged, if only for an hour on a Wednesday. If you’ve never submitted, come out and hear some great stories of how NSF (or NIH) just wasn’t able to see the genius in someone’s grand idea, unless they did see the genius, in which case you’ll hear about that.
LAP S185, 10am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dr. Rafael “Rafa” Rodriguez. Rafa has submitted a number of proposals in his career. But what the NSF doesn’t know (or very many other people for that matter), is that Rafa also fronts a calypso band in his spare time. His band, “Rafa and the Singing Bugs  (Rafa y los Insectos Cantandos)” recently fronted for Metallica on tour in Costa Rica, in fact. And now, with the proceeds of his recent tour (plus a couple of bucks he found in the desk), he’s supporting Wednesday Donuts. What a stand-up guy. Thanks, Rafa!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

New year, new donuts

There were a lot of new faces at the gym yesterday. I can only assume that they were there as a result of some kind of misguided “resolution” that means they’ll clutter up the machines for a week or so before they give up the dream of ever looking like they've been Photoshopped.
My hope is that there are at least a few right-thinking people out there who've instead resolved to enjoy life more, stress about their bodies a bit less, and come out for a donut at every opportunity.
Which side of the line do you fall on?
Donuts is back on for 2014! Starting tomorrow, LAP S185 10am.

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Vyara Matson. Originally a backup dancer for Doug E. Steebs’s rap group, the Funky Fresh Five, Vyara has ascended to a position of unquestioned authority as Benevolent Overlord of the GOBS organization, as well as the writer of incomprehensible (but no doubt, genius) papers on immunology. Now, she’s topped her previous achievements by chipping in for donuts. Awesome. Thanks, Vyara!