Alice in Doughnutland

Alice's Adventures in Doughnutland (commonly shortened to Alice in Doughnutland) is an 1995 novel written by Swedish-American author Mattias Johansson under the pseudonym MLJ=Best.[1] It tells the story of a girl named Alice who eats too many doughnut holes and is transported into a fantasy world (the Doughnutland of the title) populated by peculiar and anthropomorphic pastries. The tale plays with sugar and fat in ways that have given doughnuts lasting popularity with adults as well as children.[2] It is considered to be one of the best examples of the bakery nonsense genre,[2][3] and its narrative course and structure have been enormously influential,[3] especially in the cookbook genre.

Because of the tsunami stroll today at 10:00, donuts will be slightly delayed (to 10:30). Come to donuts after you’ve survived the survivors’ walk…
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Scott Heppell. Thanks, Scott!

Beaver Donut Pride

Beaver Donut Pride is FREE for Faculty and Staff this term !!!!
Beaver Donut Pride is a donut consumption program that uses eatometers, prizes and other incentives to motivate participants to “step it up” and increase their donut consumption throughout the week. Fall registration is going on now through 10/18. Visit http://studenthealth.oregonstate.edu/donuts=yumyumyum to sign up. Join us for the Beaver Donut Pride Kick-off Open House on Wednesday, Oct. 6, from 10:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m. in the Staff Lounge where registrants will receive their eatometers and tracking booklets, enter to win prizes and enjoy unhealthy snacks. Then come to the Eat ‘Till You Can’t Walk with the President at 3:30 in the MU Quad. Registration forms for this event are available in the Sports Clubs Intramural Sports Office at Dixon Recreation Center. Register for Beaver Donut Pride today and “get your feed on!”
Beaver Donut Pride is open to students, faculty and staff of HMSC and is always FREE for Students.

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Leah Feinberg. Thanks, Leah!

Best day in the week

And so, dear friends, we come again to the best day of the week: Wednesday. On Wednesdays, the weather is always great, the lunchtime soccer is always fun, and the donuts are always free (unless it’s your week to buy). Come out and celebrate the middle of the week with us at Wednesday donuts this morning.
-MLJ
PS->Donuts this week by a Mysterious Benefactor. Thanks, whoever you are.

Everybody Loves Donuts

"Everybody loves donuts
I know i do-oo-hoo
Everybody loves donuts oh
Let's eat just one or two-oo

Everybody loves donuts
I know i do-oo-hoo-hoo
Everybody loves donuts oh
You and I should share a few-oo-oo

Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts (Go)

Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts....

Gimme Crullers and Vanities
Comfits and Fritters and Long Johns please
Don't hold back, I almost been passed out
I need me some yum yums and some cream filled rounds

You wanna get fancy I'm right there with ya
Let's get some Fasnachts and some Croquembouches
You wanna keep it simple I'll take a Jelly Roll
But just don't ev' forget about the sprinkles oh-ho!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Zz30HFFNDI

Courtesy of Debbie Steel. :-)

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week by Yanming Gong. Thanks, Yanming!

Wednesday Granola Day!

Reasons granola is better than donuts:
1. It’s dry, and it makes your mouth dry when you eat it.
2. Horses seem to love it, at least they love unsweetened kind.
3. Neil Diamond has a cool song about it.

Reasons donuts are better than granola:
1. Mmm. Frosting.
2. People seem to love them, especially the sweetened kind.
3. If you hate Neil Diamond, there’s no annoying donut song.
4. Donuts promote community.

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Tom Wainwright. Thanks, Tom!

Good/Not Good

Good:
Sharing a dozen donuts with friends
Not Good:
Eating a dozen donuts alone
Good:
Talking to colleagues
Not Good:
Yelling at the computer for eating your last two hours of work
Good:
Getting your morning caffeine from coffee
Not Good:
Pounding a RedBull
Good:
Volunteering to pick up the donut wand
Not Good:
Leaving the donut wand lying in the staff lounge until MLJ picks it up on Tuesday afternoon and harangues some poor soul into buying donuts. ;-)

-MLJ

PS->Come do some good this morning at 10:00 in the staff lounge. Donuts courtesy of Anita McCulloch. Thanks, Anita!

Donut vs. Bagel

Courtesy of Melody Pfister and buttersafe.com:

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Veronique Theriault. Thanks, Vero!

Donut Calories and Exercise

Since we’re all healthy and active people here at Hatfield, I thought some of you might be interested in how long you could perform your favorite activity using the fuel in one mighty donut. A typical donut has between 150 and 300 kcal.

Activity/Calories burned per hour/Hours (300 kcal donut)
Brush teeth/205/1.46
Card playing/130/2.31
Cooking/216/1.39
Driving/173/1.73
Farming/Feeding livestock/389/0.77
Frisbee, Ultimate/691/0.43
Hairstyling/216/1.39
Hockey/659/0.46
Mopping/367/0.82
Packing Suitcase/173/1.73
Playing guitar/259/1.16
Putting away Groceries/216/1.39
Rearranging Furniture/540/0.56
Sex, foreplay/119/2.52
Showering/346/0.87
Sitting, resting/86/3.49
Sleeping/76/3.95
Standing/97/3.09
Studying/151/1.99
Tailoring, Cutting/216/1.39
Talking on phone/86/3.49
Using Crutches/432/0.69
Weaving cloth/302/0.99
Writing/86/3.49

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Scott Baker. Thanks, Scott!

Donuts (that's what I want)

The best things in life are free
But you can keep 'em for the birds and bees
Unless they’re donuts (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want), yeah
That's what I want

Your lovin' leaves me amazed
But your lovin' don't come with glaze
Now give me donuts (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want), yeah
That's what I want

Donuts aren’t everything, it's true
But what they aren’t, I can't use
Now give me donuts (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want), yeah
That's what I want

Well, now give me donuts (that's what I want)
A lot of donuts (that's what I want)
Whoa, yeah, I wanna sugar rush (that's what I want)
Whoa, a lot of donuts (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want), yeah
That's what I want
-MLJ

PS-Donuts this week courtesy of Bill Peterson. Thanks, Bill!

Lonely, lonely donut wand

Lonely, lonely donut wand
In the staff lounge
Dark and cold
With no friend to call your own,
How long must you be alone?

Can someone give a lonely donut wand a good home? Email me if you have a heart and soul.
-MLJ

Ultimate Donut

Ultimate donut is a running and throwing game loosely related to the game of ultimate Frisbee. The game of ultimate donut was originally developed at the Hatfield Marine Science Center at Oregon State University in 1974 and has since grown into the fourth most-played American sport in the world, after baseball, basketball, and competitive eating. The rules of the game are comparatively simple, which is a contributing factor to the sport’s popularity. Two teams, consisting of between three and seven players each, line up on opposite sides of a staff lounge or lunchroom. Play is started by one team throwing a donut (usually chosen based on strategic considerations) to the other team. The receiving team then attempts to advance up the lounge by tossing the donut to one another. Each receiving player is required to take a bite of the donut, and no more than seven seconds are allowed before the player must throw to another player or a turnover results. The team losing possession must then eat a turnover, and the other team selects a donut from the box and begins at the spot of the turnover. Points are scored when a team passes into a designated end zone area, and the player receiving the pass eats the remaining donut. If no donut remains to be passed into the end zone, the team with possession must choose a new donut and begin play again by passing to the other team. Play continue until the donuts run out, or until 10:30am.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week by David Rupp. Thanks, Dave!

MLJ, As seen in Mad Men

Sayings that are (probably) about donuts.

The best things in life are free.
Variety is the spice of life.
Donuts are 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.
If life gives you lemons, make those filled donut things with lemon inside.
I had a monkey once. His name was Monkey Alan.
Mmm. Donuts.
The best donuts are those stripey maple bars. Those, and those cinnamon twist things.
-MLJ

->Donuts this week courtesy of Waldo Wakefield. Thanks, Waldo!

Donuts are Like Kittens

Donuts are like Kittens
They’re soft
They’re cute
They’re small
They’re rounded
They come in different colors…maybe with stripes
Everybody wants one…or two…possibly three
Both taste great with frosting

Come have a donut, not a kitten, at 10:00. Donuts courtesy of Ric Brodeur. Thanks, Ric!
-MLJ

Donut Facts

In July 2008 the oldest unopened package of Hostess Donuts was discovered inside a sideboard in Torosay Castle, Isle of Mull, Scotland. The 1893 package was in mint condition, having been kept in the dark. It is now on display at the Hostess visitor centre in Reims, France and is regarded as priceless.

In September 2009 the discovery of Crullerus sinensis, a fossilised donut closely related to the common ancestor of the Old World crullers, is announced.

October 1925: Cruller-donut controversy: High school biology teacher Don P. Snopes was found guilty of violating Tennessee's Bismarck Act by eating a donut in class.

-MLJ

->I don’t know who picked up the wand this week, but thanks, whoever you are!

Snugglebunny and the Dozen Donuts

One day, SnuggleBunny decided to go visit his friend, Magpie. On the way to Magpie's house, he stopped at the local donuteria for a dozen of his favorite, chocolate glazed donuts.
A short time later, he arrived at Magpie's house and knocked on the door.
"Come, sit down in my parlor and we will enjoy the dozen donuts you have brought," said Magpie.
They sat down on either side of the coffee table.
Then, just as SnuggleBunny reached out to untie the ribbon, open the box, and take his first donut, Magpie said "Wait. We should have coffee with our donuts. Could you run to my kitchen and get the coffee? It is ready on the stove."
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the kitchen, came back with the coffee and two mugs, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the eleven donuts you have brought, and our hot coffee," said Magpie.
"Eleven? I thought I brought a dozen with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still closed, and the ribbon still tied."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. He reached to untie the ribbon.
"Wait. I enjoy taking cream with my coffee," said Magpie. "Could you not run to the kitchen and bring the cream from the icebox?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the kitchen, came back with a pitcher of cream, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the ten donuts you have brought, and our hot coffee with cream," said Magpie.
"Ten? I thought I brought eleven with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still closed, and the ribbon still tied."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he thought he saw chocolatey fingerprints on the ribbon. He reached to untie the ribbon.
"Wait. I enjoy two lumps of sugar in my coffee," said Magpie. "Could you not run to the kitchen and bring the sugar from the pantry?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the kitchen, came back with the sugar bowl, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the nine donuts you have brought, and our hot coffee with cream and sugar," said Magpie.
"Nine? I thought I brought ten with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still closed, and the ribbon still tied."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he thought the ribbon was starting to look quite sticky, and a little bit frayed.
He reached to untie the ribbon.
Just as he untied the ribbon, Magpie said, "wait. I need a teaspoon to stir my coffee. Could you not run to the kitchen and bring a teaspoon from the drawer?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the kitchen, came back with a teaspoon, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the eight donuts you have brought, and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred" said Magpie.
"Eight? I thought I brought nine with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still neatly closed."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. He reached to open the box.
"Wait," said Magpie. "Should we not have napkins, in case our fingers get sticky? Could you not run to the linen cupboard and get my best napkins?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the linen cupboard, came back with two napkins, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the seven donuts you have brought, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred," said Magpie.
"Seven? I thought I brought eight with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still neatly closed."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he thought the box wasn't quite as neatly closed as before. He reached to open the box.
"Wait," said Magpie. "Should we not have saucers to place our donuts on? Run to the sideboard and bring back two saucers, if you please."
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the sideboard, came back with two saucers, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the six donuts you have brought, on our saucers, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred," said Magpie.
"Six? I thought I brought seven with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still neatly closed."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he thought the box had sticky fingerprints around the flaps. He reached to open the box.
"Wait," said Magpie. "Should we not have music with our donuts? Bring the radio in from the drawing room, if you please."
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the drawing room, came back with the radio, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the five donuts you have brought, on our saucers, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred, with music" said Magpie.
"Five? I thought I brought six with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still neatly closed."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he thought the box was definitely not neatly closed anymore. He reached to open the box.
Just as he opened the box, Magpie said, "wait. It is impolite not to have salt and pepper on the table at mealtimes. Could you not run to the dining room and get the salt and pepper?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the dining room, came back with the salt and pepper, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the four donuts you have brought, on our saucers, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred, with music, and salt and pepper," said Magpie.
"Four? I thought I brought five with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the donuts are as you left them."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he thought there were fewer donuts than before. He reached for his first donut.
"Wait," said Magpie. "Taking donuts directly from the box is impolite. Could you not get a serving platter from the sideboard, if you please?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the sideboard, came back with a beautiful platter, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the three donuts you have brought, served from the platter onto our saucers, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred, with music, and salt and pepper," said Magpie.
"Three? I thought I brought four with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the donuts are as you left them."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, now he thought there were far fewer donuts than before. He arranged the three donuts on the serving platter and then reached for his first donut.
"Wait," said Magpie. "It is impolite to serve yourself with your hands. Could you not get a fish slice from the drawer, if you please?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the drawer, came back with a silver fish slice, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the two donuts you have brought, served with the fish slice from the platter onto our saucers, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred, with music, and salt and pepper," said Magpie.
"Two? I thought I brought three with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the donuts are on the platter, as you left them."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he realized that the donuts he brought had almost all gone. He reached for his first donut.
"Wait," said Magpie. "I have just remembered that I have shortbread in my pantry. Could we not use it to supplement the donuts you have brought? Bring it in, would you?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the pantry, but the pantry was bare. He came back empty-handed and sat down.
"I have just remembered that I ate the last bit of shortbread last week. At least we can enjoy the donut you have brought, served with the fish slice from the platter onto our saucers, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred, with music, and salt and pepper, but without shortbread," said Magpie.
"One? I thought I brought two with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the donut is on the platter, as you left it."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. "But how should we divide the donut?"
"Bring a knife from the kitchen, if you please," said Magpie.
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the kitchen, came back with knife, and sat down.
To his surprise, the donut was still there. Then he noticed that Magpie was looking a little bit green.
"I will slice the donut, and you can choose which half you want," said SnuggleBunny.
He sliced the donut, and Magpie chose the smaller half. Snugglebunny served the pieces out and said, "Finally, we can enjoy the donut I have brought, served, half each, from the platter onto our saucers with the fish slice, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred, with music, and salt and pepper, but sadly, without your delicious shortbread, Magpie."
Then, he ate his half donut with relish, enjoying every bite.

Moral: Gluttony is its own reward.

-MLJ

PS->Enjoy Wednesday donuts! I'll be back to share with you next week.
PPS->Hopefully someone responded to Londi's call for donors. Thank you, whoever you are!

Donut Greetings from Haverdal, Sweden! As you can see from the attached picture, I've been dilligently trying the local donuts while on vacation. Overall, the salt licorice and dill donuts are probably the best, while the herring and crayfish donuts will take some getting used to. Frankly, given the local options, I miss being at Wednesday donuts with all of you. I'll be home to entertain you all at donuts soon with lots of boring stories of sitting around and reading, or kicking the soccerball with my brother. Good times. See you in a couple of weeks!
-MLJ

PS->Hopefully someone stepped up to grab the donut wand...

Sad About Donuts

As some of you already know, having finished my degree, and finally turned in my dissertation, I'm taking a short vacation in Sweden before I start the next job at Hatfield. Although the trip over here was plenty long, it went reasonably smoothly (although after 25 hours awake I forgot my carryon bag on the train). The weather has been absolutely beautiful (clear skies, mid-70s: got a bit sunburned yesterday), and we've already managed to go swimming a couple of times in the Baltic. The tragic thing is, I'm missing my precious donuts for three whole weeks. I don't know how I'll cope without my weekly dose of caffeine and conversation. Anyhow, I'll get by somehow. Missing you all terribly!
-MLJ

Dear Dr. Donut

Dear Dr. Donut,
Is it true that donuts make you fat?
Sincerely,
Flabby in Fremont

Dear Flabby,
Donuts in particular are not going to make you fat. Any calories consumed that are not used to fuel activity are stored, so most foods can make you fat, if you overindulge. My advice? Stop worrying. Being fat isn’t the end of the world.
Good luck!
Dr. Donut

Dear Dr. Donut,
Will donuts make me more attractive to the opposite sex?
Yours Truly,
Hopeful in Houston

Dear Hopeful,
Absolutely. Also, donuts will make you smarter, fitter, and will improve your performance in the bedroom. In fact, donut consumption has been correlated with increased wealth. So, it might make you rich, too.
Your friend,
Dr. Donut

-MLJ

PS->I don’t know who is buying donuts this week, but whoever they are, they’re a true humanitarian with a wonderful soul.

Donut Encore!

Since we have so many generous souls here at Hatfield, there was an overabundance of donuts among the other goodies at the Markham Symposium this morning. To disperse this caloric overload, Candace suggested having a Donut Wednesday Encore tomorrow (Thursday) at 10:00. Stop by, grab a day-old, and say hello to all those people you haven’t seen since Wednesday donuts this morning.
-MLJ

FIDE World Cup

The FIDE World Cup, also called the Donut World Cup or the Doughnut World Cup, but usually referred to simply as the World Cup, is an international donut eating competition contested by the men's national teams of the members of Fédération Internationale de Donut Eating (FIDE), the sport's global governing body. The championship has been awarded every four years since the first tournament in 1930, except in 1942 and 1946 when it was not contested because of the Second World War.
The current format of the tournament involves 32 teams competing for the title at venues within the host nation(s) over a period of about a month – this phase is often called the World Cup Finals. A qualification phase, which currently takes place over the preceding three years, is used to determine which teams qualify for the tournament together with the host nation(s).
During the 18 tournaments that have been held, seven national teams have won the title. The United States have won the World Cup a record five times, and they are the only team to have played in every tournament. Sweden, the current champions, have won four titles, and Germany are next with three titles. The other former champions are Canada, winners of the inaugural tournament, and American Samoa, with two titles, and England and France, with one title each.
The World Cup is the least widely viewed sporting event in the world; an estimated 715.1 million people watched the final match of the 2006 World Cup held in Germany. The current World Cup is being held at Dunkin Donuts, between 11 June and 11 July 2010, and the 2014 World Cup will be held at Krispy Kreme.
-MLJ

PS->Special time for donuts this week, and donuts come with free scientific knowledge. Join us for the Markham Symposium Poster/Donut session at 10:20.

Donut Dissertation Defense

Ph.D Dissertation Defense
Mattias L. Johansson, Department of Donuts and Hilarity, Oregon Donut University
Advisor: Dr. Michael Banks
"Landscape and individual patterns of donut choice at marine science facilities in the United States"

Wednesday, June 9th, at 10:00AM
Library Seminar Room, Hatfield Marine Science Center

There will be a selection of donuts in the Staff Lounge (for those poor souls unable to attend my defense), but there will be Better Donuts outside the Library Seminar Room, at 9:30. ;-)
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of yours truly. MLJ=Best.

Donut Verification Upgrade

Your stomach is almost empty.
2000 Calories 700 Calories
Minimum size
Your Donut Quota Has Failed To Meet The Set Quota/Limit Which Is 2000 Calories.
You Are Currently Running On 700 Calories Due To Missing Last Weeks Donuts.
Please Click the Link Below To Validate Your Attendance And Increase Your Quota.

http://www.emailmedonut.com/builder/donut/2ImRfObCd0NuTBDl52P

To Fail To Click This Link And Validate Your Donuts May Result In Loss Of Important Calories In Your Stomach/Or Cause Hunger Pangs.
Thanks
HELP DESK

-MLJ

PS->Hopefully someone picked up the wand last week. I wasn’t paying attention. If it was you, thanks!

Transitions, and Stability (donuts)

I’m nearing the end of my PhD, and thinking about my time as a student, and about the future. This is going to be a rare serious donut email. A lot has changed for me recently, and a lot is about to change. At times like this, I can’t help but cling to the things that are stable, and friendly, and safe. Obviously, Wednesday donuts is one of those things. This is a great community, because of the traditions we have together. I know that most of you feel the same way. This is a very special place, and if we leave it, I don’t think we’ll ever experience its like again. Now, come support the best tradition we’ve got by coming to donuts tomorrow.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week by Leah Feinberg. Thanks, Leah!

Very Lazy Donut Email?

Courtesy of (and presumably, copyright) my good friend, Jim Davis. Emailed to me by Chris Magel:



I don’t know who’s buying donuts today (hopefully someone is). Nevertheless, thank you, mysterious benefactor!
-MLJ

Donut Fact-Finding Mission 2

I recently sent my friend and trusted donut colleague Bill Peterson on a donut fact finding mission to Japan, the land of the midnight sun (or whatever). Here are some of his findings:


Japan is a nation with a rich history, and a varied and beautiful culture. All of which has been poisoned by too much exposure to American culture. Mmm, donuts. Also, apparently they have square donuts and heart shaped donuts in New York City. Who knew?


What the hell do bananas have to do with donuts? Ah, mysterious Japan. More importantly, four donuts in a box = empty box. Anything less than a dozen is a crime against humanity.


In Japan, they have donuts on sticks. Mmm, donuts. Bill claims that he bought 3 dozen of these for this weeks Donut Wednesday, but they were seized by the TSA. Something about “Delicious, dangerous contraband.”

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Itchung Cheung. Thanks, Itchung!

A Declaration on Donuts

We hold this truth to be self-evident, that all donuts are created to be delicious, that they are created from certain unalterable Ingredients, that among these are sugar, flour, eggs, and oil. That to secure these donuts, Wednesday donuts was instituted among Hatfielders, deriving their status from their location of work, that whenever the calendar and the clock say Wednesday at 10:00, it is the Right of the People to attend the Staff Lounge, and to attain a free donut and coffee, selecting the donut as to them would seem most likely to improve their happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Hatfielders select two donuts, in order that the maximum happiness may be most likely to be attained by the attending multitude of individuals. Finally, it is the responsibility of every Hatfielder, at regular intervals, to assume the responsibility of procuring donuts for their fellow attendees, so that the traditions, customs, and pleasures of Donut Wednesday may be continued for future generations.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Candace Rogers. Thanks, Candace!

Donut Reruns

For once, I’m not inspired to write a donut email. So, I’m rerunning two “classics” from the early days. Donuts this week are courtesy of Janet Webster. Thanks, Janet!

5/14/2008:
Hatfielders,
There comes a time in every person's life where he or she feels unfulfilled, and empty inside. For me, this feeling comes every Wednesday at 10:00. It means I need a donut. Come join me (and the HsO) in filling the emptiness inside with pastry this morning in the staff lounge. There will also be coffee. BYOMug. You can also help fill the emptiness inside our donation jar.
-MLJ

6/4/2008:
Delicious
Orgasmic
Unmatched
Greasy
Healthy
Nutritious
U? I already did a U-word. How about Untamed?
Tempting
Sugary

Come have a donut/doughnut this morning at 10:00.
Staff Lounge
BYO mug
BYO $$$
Thanks!
-MLJ

Life and Donuts

I’ve noticed some parallels between life and our weekly donut hour. Donuts seems to be a microcosm of our lives. We go to donuts, hoping to see someone we haven’t seen in a while, but they’re busy, or far away in their offices. Sometimes, we choose the same donut we’ve chosen week after week, and wish we’d chosen a different one. It’s possible to choose two, or even more, but we all know how we feel about guys like that. With the people, too, it’s easy to talk to the same faces week after week, comfortable in our rut, when we know we should branch out and talk to someone new.
Maybe it’s the stress of finishing, I don’t know…
;-)
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Tim Terris. Thanks, Tim!

Favorite Donuts

My Favorite Things:
Mountain biking in the rain
The Mighty Boosh
Having a proposal funded
Uninhibited sneezes
The taste of mud
Smooches
Fridays at Bier One
Sleeping in
Whiskey sours
And, best of all:
Wednesday Donuts!

Be there or be square.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Maryann Bozza. Thanks, Maryann!

Eel Wednesday!

Eel Enthusiasts,
It's Eel Wednesday! Join your fellow Hatfielders in sampling 36 different kinds of delicious, slimy eels! Mmm, eels! Smoked eels, eel pie, fried eel, eel stew: we've got it all. Eels are full of deliciosity and vitamin yum. Wednesday, 10:00am
-MLJ

PS->For eels, read "donuts". Eels this week are provided by Tom Wainwright. Thanks, Tom!

DoNuTssTuNoD

Greetings,
You all know me. I have travelled far and wide, studied much and learned little. In distant corners of the globe I have earned many names, and less respect. Some people name me Dr. Johansson. Others call me The Director. I am known as Don Julio, Third Bismarck of Madrid. In the dark corners of the Earth, I am named The Mad Cruller. In the darkest corners, I am named only in a whisper. Some call me Maurice, the Space Cowboy. In some places I am called The Watcher in the Water; Slayer of Crabs and Lover of Rockfish. At times, I have been called Reverend, and Mr. President, and Pipsqueak.
Now, you should know me as the King of all Doughnuts, Mattias the First; Lord Protector of Beignet and Zeppole and Spritzkuchen.
As Donut King, I hereby invite you to join me in a celebration of all fried pastry Wednesday morning at 10:00.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week come courtesy of Ben Laurel, Prince of Merveilles and Bottereaux. Thanks, Ben!

Addicted to Donuts

The lights are on, but you’re not home
your mind is not your own
your heart sweats, your body shakes
another donut is what it takes

You can’t sleep, you can’t eat
there’s no doubt, you’re in deep
your throat is tight, you can’t breathe
another donut is all you need

Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh Yeah
it’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough,
you know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to donuts

Thankfully, it’s Wednesday morning.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Chris Magel. Thanks, Chris!

Donut Love

I first saw her ordering coffee at the deli counter. The most beautiful girl in the store. Soft skin, lovely eyes, and a glorious smile. I knew I had to make her mine. Imagine my surprise when she approached me. The graceful way she opened a paper bag melted my heart, then she opened the case. I knew from her look that I was the one she wanted. As she put me into her bag, I knew we would be together forever: she, as my precious love; and I as the cellulite on her butt.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Mark Camara. Thanks, Mark!

Hockey and Donuts

Donut Sports Fans,

As all of you undoubtedly know, hockey and donuts go hand-in-hand. All the donut shop chains currently in existence were started by retired hockey players, for example: Howard Dunkin, Fredrick “Krispy” Kreme, Tim Horton, to name a few. The reason for this connection is the measurable improvement in player performance when donuts are used as an energy source. I experienced this myself last weekend, at my weekly rec-league game in Eugene. The game was closely fought, with plenty of shots countered by strong defense on both sides. But, at the end of regulation, the score stood at Team Snuggie 3 – Eugene Extreme 3, and the game was going to a shootout. First, three shooters from each side would try their luck against the goalie. If no decision was reached, the teams would alternate shooters until one team had a goal advantage. The other team missed their first. My team’s first shooter scored. The opposing second shooter missed, as did our second. Still 1-0. The other team’s third shooter scored. 1-1. Our third did not. Still 1-1. Going on. Both teams alternated shooters, working through their lineups, failing to reach the back of the net. My turn was rapidly approaching. I heard a tap on the glass. I looked back and Mara tossed me a pack of Hostess Donettes. You know the ones: they’ve got a brown plastic “chocolate” coating and are awesome. I immediately wolfed down three. It was my turn. I stuffed another Donette in my mouth and skated to center ice. As I started down the ice with the puck I could feel the chocolate coating the inside of my mouth, calming me. Approaching the goalie, I envisioned a donut box in the back of the net. The puck turned into a stale Bismarck and I knew I would score. I went right, to my backhand. Lifted the puck over the goalie’s leg pad. Right in the box. Baker’s Dozen, right there. Game over. Team Snuggie 3(2) – Eugene Extreme 3(1). Behold the power of donuts.

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dacey Mercer. Thanks, Dacey!

Donut Mastery?

MLJ’s Lab Log
Lab Date 2010.03.02 19:36

Cloning Day 13

Clones Started: Samples 2577-2584
Clones Transferred: Samples 2569-2576
Clones Completed: 2559-2568 No samples 2564,2565
Sequences Edited: None

Notes: I was visited by an Ancient Evil in the lab today. I’m not certain, but I may have been muttering mysterious incantations in an effort to keep myself awake late in the day. Whatever the cause, a portal to Hell opened up and the Evil stepped out along with two Revenants. While the Revenants wandered out of the lab and down the hall, the Evil spoke to me.
“I have come to help you accomplish your evil laboratory work,” it said.
“This really isn’t that kind of lab,” I retorted.
It cut me off with a “Silence, Mortal,” and continued, “Use your mastery over the evil donut to enslave humanity. Force them to do your evil bidding in the laboratory.”
“Listen,” I said, “there are so many problems with that plan that I don’t know where to start. First, writing emails on a topic hardly equals mastery. Second, enslaving humanity sounds like a ton of work. I’d be better off just doing the lab work myself.”
“OK, fair enough,” the Evil replied. “It was just a thought.”
“Thanks for trying.”
“No problem. Now, can you tell me where I can find Ben Laurel? We’re collaborating on a project looking at the ichthyofauna of the River Styx.”
“Man, that guy has collaborators everywhere,” I said. “Anyway, his office is in the RSF. Fifth or sixth door on the right.”
“Thanks. See you later.”
“Alright, see you.”

One final note, I don’t seem to be experiencing any ill effects from my recent coffee-and-donuts lab diet or lack of sleep. So that’s one thing I can stop worrying about. And donuts is tomorrow!

Thankfully I only have to keep this up until June.

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ric Brodeur. Thanks, Ric!

50 Ways to Eat a Donut

The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your goal to be greasy
There must be fifty ways to eat a donut

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to eat a donut
Fifty ways to eat a donut

You just start at the back, Jack
Grab one in each hand, Stan
You don't need to be shy, Guy
Just listen to me
Eat one on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Free samples are free, Lee
And often greasy

Ooo start at the back, Jack
Grab one in each hand, Stan
You don't need to be shy, Guy
Just listen to me
Eat one on the bus, Gus
Don't need to discuss much
Free samples are free, Lee
Often greasy

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish I had a donut to give you, to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About Donut Wednesday?

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to eat a donut
Fifty ways at Donut Wednesday.

-MLJ

PS-> I don’t know who picked up the wand this week, but Thanks, Mysterious Benefactor. ;-)

Donuts: Collaborative Catalyst

As most of you know, I’m heading into the final stretch of my PhD. So, as you can imagine, I’ve been working pretty hard lately. The long hours are certainly stressful (some of you have commented on this), but I really enjoy the sense of accomplishment that I get after a long day in the lab. I really enjoy what I do. I know most of you feel the same way. However, the best feeling (and one I’m not getting much of lately) is the joy of collaboration. The exchange of ideas, each of us teaching and learning, the tackling of bigger tasks than we could accomplish on our own… it’s a beautiful thing. That’s why you need to come to Wednesday Donuts. I can’t eat 36 donuts by myself. And, we can talk about science while we’re at it, between mouthfuls.

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dave Mellinger. Thanks, Dave!

Wednesday Donut Day!

Short and sweet.
This week's donut day is a tribute to Patrick Swayze, and a nod to all the donut eating transvestites of the 90's...

To Wrong Goo, Thanks for the Bismarcks! Judy Rumor (1996)
http://www.iddb.com/title/tt0086066/

The feature starts at 10:00 on Wednesday (after you've checked your email, surfed the internet, and chatted in the mail room for an hour).

And REMEMBER that driving to work alone comes with a crushing sense of inadequate environmental sensitivity - so please car-pool or ride your bike (you can park your bike between the RSF and NAL).

If you need directions let Alana or I know and, as always, feel free to pass this along to anyone that I may have neglected.
Mattias

Pre-Defense To Do List

Donut Heroes,
I’ve tentatively (firmly) scheduled my Dissertation Defense for Wednesday, June 9 at 10:00. Although I didn’t pick the day or time (it just fell out that way according to my committee member’s schedules), there is a beautiful symmetry in defending at Donut Hour, as it’s my claim to fame at Hatfield. Put it on your calendars now. I’ve been thinking over what I have left to do, and I’ve put together this to-do list (in order of priority):

1. Write 18 more donut emails
2. Eat 36 donuts
3. Genotype ~1500 rockfish larvae at ~5 microsatellites
4. Amplify/Sequence/Clone MHC genes from ~170 adult rockfish
5. Analyze
6. Write Chapter 3
7. Defend

After I accomplish all my goals, I’ll be Dr. Donut, and I’ll get an intern or a Master’s student to write the donut emails for me. Oh, what a glorious day that will be…
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Matt Hawkyard. Thanks, Matt!

Homer Simpson Award

Hey Hatfielders,

How many awesome donut eaters do we have at Hatfield? I want to know which faculty or staff member you think deserves the Homer Simpson award. If you’d like to nominate someone please send me a short nomination letter detailing why you think they are so gluttonous. Nomination letters should address the nominee’s good looks, service to the donut community, collegiality, stickiness of fingers, or other characteristics that exemplify them as a model donut eater. Email to me by Feb. 1.

Mattias

One of those weeks

Did you ever have one of those weeks? You know, you're near the end of your degree program, you've got about six months of funding left, and you feel pretty good about how things are going. Then, you realize that you've got 170 samples to analyze, and your intern two years ago took ten weeks to analyze 26 samples, and 170 divided by 26 means you'll be out of money, dropped out, and living in a refrigerator box about nine months before you get done analyzing samples, let alone write up and defend. And the panic overwhelms you to the point that you waste an entire precious day looking for work in the food service or retail sectors, and you notice an opening at Voodoo Donuts in Portland, and you remember that Wednesday donuts is tomorrow...
And you know everything will be OK.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week by Tomas Follett. Thanks, Tomas!

Manuscript DONUT77 for review

Dear Expert,

In view of your expertise I would be very grateful if you could review the following manuscript which has been submitted to the International Journal of Donut Science.

Manuscript Number: DONUT77

Title: Risks associated with eating donuts while operating heavy machinery and motorcycles

Abstract:

In case you wish to eat a dozen donuts before agreeing click here: http://ijds.edmgr.com/l.asp?i=23362&l=BI9CHSFT

In case you are interested in reviewing this submission please eat three donuts, then click on this link:
http://ijds.edmgr.com/l.asp?i=23364&l=5NQBFRSD

If you do not have time to do this, you have to realize we won’t be friends anymore.

If you hate me, and donuts, please click on this link:
http://ijds.edmgr.com/l.asp?i=23363&l=VI5LOBRY

You are requested to submit your review online by using the Donutorial Manager system which can be found at:
http://ijds.edmgr.com/. Your username is: Donut Fiend and your password is: I<3DonutsALOT.

We hope you are willing to review the manuscript. If so, would you be so kind as to return your review to us within 27 days of agreeing to review? Thank you.

IN ORDER TO KEEP DELAYS TO A MINIMUM, PLEASE ACCEPT OR DECLINE THIS ASSIGNMENT ONLINE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact us. We appreciate your assistance.

With kind regards,
Mattias Johansson

PS->Donuts tomorrow courtesy of Mara Spencer. Thanks, Mara!

Observe the Donut New Year Tomorrow!

The Crullerian New Year, based on the Bismark Calendar (Dunkin-Hortons Calendar), is called Crulleri, and it falls on Newport’s Donut New Year (December 30th in 2009). It is a day of conversation, gorging, and meditation: observed from 6 a.m. until 6 a.m. the next morning, Crulleri is a day reserved for self-reflection and as such, anything that might interfere with that purpose is restricted. Although Crulleri is a primarily Hatfield holiday, non-Hatfield residents of Newport observe the day of feasting as well, out of respect for their fellow citizens. Even tourists are not exempt; although free to do as they wish inside their hotels, no one is allowed onto the beaches or streets, and the only airport in Newport remains closed for the entire day. The only exceptions granted are for emergency vehicles carrying those with life-threatening conditions, women about to give birth, and people seeking to buy more donuts.

-MLJ

Donut Controversy

Donut controversy
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Donut controversy refers to controversy or disagreement surrounding the celebration or acknowledgment of Wednesday donuts in government, media, advertising and various secular environments. Modern-day controversy occurs mainly in the United States,[1][2] Canada,[3][4][5] and to a lesser extent in the United Kingdom,[6][7] and usually stems from Wednesday's significant weekly role in Newport's economy in conjunction with its social significance in an increasingly socially diversifying Hatfield society. Some have used the label "War on Donuts" to describe this controversy.

Thankfully, there will be no war on donuts tomorrow, the last donuts Wednesday before Christmas. Come out and enjoy a Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa donut before the long holiday weekend. Donuts this week courtesy of Clare Reimers. Thanks, Clare!

-MLJ