Last Donut Email

Hatfielders,
We’ve had a good run. We’ve had some laughs, we’ve cried some tears, we’ve learned some very important lessons. But now it’s time to move on. The President has asked me to head up his Office of Pastry Affairs, and I don’t really feel I can refuse. Originally, I was just going to hang out in Newport and draw unemployment, but you know how it is. President Obama said he’d have Joe Biden punch me if I said no. So, this is my last donut email. I’m not sure who’ll be writing next week, but I’m sure donuts will live on. Thanks for all your support.
-MLJ

PS->TSUNAMI DONUTS. Be there or be square.
PPS->Donuts courtesy of Tim Lee and HMSC (Maryann Bozza).
PPPS->Mattias is great.

Rewriting Research Interests

Hatfielders,
As many of you know, I’m currently looking around for my next career opportunity. As such, I’ve been updating my CV, and Research and Teaching Interest documents. I’ve gotten a bit stuck with my research interests, though. I think it’s good, but maybe you guys can help me make it better.

Mattias L. Johansson
Research Interests
My research interests focus on the application of genetic tools to fundamental questions in marine fisheries, ecology, and donuts. Mmm, donuts.

That’s all I’ve got. Any ideas?
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of a young man, possibly some kind of intern, whose name I do not know. If I get his name later, I’ll pass it along.

Donuts, of course.

It's been twenty-three hours and six days
since you took the donuts away
I go out every night and sleep all day
since you took the donuts away
since they’ve been gone I can do whatever I want
I can eat whatever I choose
I can eat a pastry in a fancy restaurant
but nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues,

'cause nothing compares
nothing compares to donuts

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of real-life action man Chris Magel. Women want to be him, men want to be with him, and today, the donuts come courtesy of him. Thanks, Chris!

Hatfield needs a new Donut Coordinator!

Hatfielders,
I’m here by putting out the call for Hatfield’s next Donut Coordinator. My job wraps up September 30, so I will soon be pursuing new opportunities elsewhere (where that might be, who knows?). So, there’s a need for someone new to make sure Wednesday Donuts continues to function as a community event. The duties are easy, and flexible. The only thing you have to do is make sure donuts get bought every week. Ideally, you’d also write a weekly email, but I think the event would survive without that (even though the emails are popular). I started the job as a student and continued as a Postdoc, so it’s probably open to pretty much anyone. Let me know if you’re interested (potentially through the medium of the hilarious email).
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of the Heppell Lab. Thanks, Scott, Selina, and the gang! You guys are great.
PPS->My preferred job option fell through, so I’m still open to additional options. If you hear of anything cool, let me know. More choices=better.

Sometimes the donut emails write themselves...

Greek police smash violent doughnut ring
THESSALONIKI, Greece (AP) — It took an undercover operation, but Greek police have blown a hole in a ring of alleged crooks who had cornered the doughnut market in a beach resort.
It started with complaints that two Bulgarian men and a former Greek wrestling champion were using violence to choke off the trade by other doughnut vendors on Paliouri beach in the Halkidiki peninsula near Thessaloniki.
So an undercover officer posed as a doughnut seller, police said Tuesday, and he was attacked, leading to the arrest of the three aggressive doughnut sellers.
As a result, they have been charged with blackmail and fraud. They also were charged with food safety violations after police found they had stashed their product in an abandoned hotel that was open to the elements and used by bathers as a toilet.
-MLJ

PS->Thanks to Bill Chadwick for the link to this story, and thanks to SeaGrant for this week’s donuts! The Heppell Lab is still on deck, but feel free to pick up the wand if you haven’t bought in a while…

Donut Meeting Agenda

Agenda for Donut Meeting, 8/24/11
1. Eat Donuts
2. Drink Coffee
3. Talk about Stuff (If there’s time)
4. Adjourn Meeting

-MLJ

->Donuts this week courtesy of Michael Banks, with the Heppell Lab on deck for next week. If you haven’t bought in a while, think about grabbing the wand.

Donut Chamber Events

August 17, 2011
Please be reminded...
*Business After Hours
JC Market will host the August 18th Donuts After Hours. Chamber members and guests are invited to scrounge leftover donuts from the dumpster behind JC Market from 5:15 to 7pm.

*Chamber Bruncheon
The August 17th Donut Bruncheon will be held at the Hatfield Marine Science Center. Please join us for our weekly 10am Wednesday Feast.

We hope to see you at both events!

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of MLJ, unless Maryann B. wants to chip in.

Postdoctoral Position in Donuts and Evolution

Dear Donut Enthusiast,

Thank you for your application for the Postdoctoral Research Associate position in Donuts and Evolution with the Center for Baked Goods at Oregon State University.
I regret to inform you that the committee has decided not to fill the advertised position and will be reevaluating the actual needs of the research program (we spent all the money at Voodoo Donuts).
Thank you again for your time and interest in the Center for Baked Goods. On behalf of the search committee, we very much appreciate your interest in employment at Oregon State University and wish you the best of luck in your job search.

CENTER FOR BAKED GOODS

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Itchung Cheung. Thanks, Itchung!

Nice to meet you

Nice to meet you

How are you today? I hope you are in good health , I decided to drop you few lines just to

say hello!! because i am looking for a good and lasting relationship with someone who will understands the needs for donuts and coffee, think about it and get back to me so that i can send you some pastry recipes and also tell you more about me. Thanks and may your day be a blessed as am waiting for your soonest response for further communication.
Yours Friend
Mister Mattias

PS->Donuts this week by a Mysterious Stranger.

Almost time for a donut reunion!

Wednesday at 11:00 is hard. At that point you’re the furthest from donuts that you’ll be all week. But the caffeine and sugar are still with you, so you soldier on. Thursday has seminar, with cookies, so that helps, and Friday is the gateway to the weekend, so your thoughts can be on something else. On the weekend, you’re distracted by your busy life: hiking, friends, working in the garden; before you know it, you’re through to Monday. Monday might be the hardest of all. Nothing to distract you but trying to get back in the rhythm of work. Tuesday? The less said about Tuesday, the better. And then it’s Wednesday again, and the clock ticks toward 10:00, and you’re about to see your friends, and get a caffeine rush and a sugar high, and all is well. Happy Wednesday, Hatfield. See you at 10:00.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Harrison Baker. Thanks, Harrison!

Lab Work vs. Donuts

Hatfieldians,
Just wanted to inform you guys that, although this is Donut Wednesday, I’d much rather be doing lab work. There’s nothing better than pipetting. Delicious donuts, enjoyed in the company of great people, pales in comparison. Mmm, pipetting.
-MLJ

PS->Enjoy an extra donut on my behalf. I don’t know who bought this week, but thanks, Mysterious Benefactor!

Truth from the Mouth of Parade

-MLJ

PS-> Donuts this week courtesy of Fred Allendorf. Thanks, Fred!

Donuts of Our Lives

In this week’s episode, Dr. Johansson’s intern, Liz, learns the value of collaboration when she receives a mysterious treasure map from a grizzled old fish ecologist at Wednesday Donuts. Following the map leads her to discover the truth about her mentor, and into grave danger. At the same time, Dr. Banks gets amnesia when he is hit in the head with a flying maple bar. As a result, he forgets to submit an important proposal. Will he recover his memory in time to submit by the target date? Tune in to find out. Wednesday, 10:00.
-MLJ

Back on the Donuts

Hatfielders,
I know how much you all enjoyed last week’s Markham Symposium and all the great research our graduate students are doing. Sadly, there just aren’t enough students to do that every week. So, we’re back on the Donuts this week. I hope you’re not too disappointed. If you’re sad, donuts make a good pick-me-up, anyway. See you there!
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of the HMSC-Corvallis Vanpool, to thank HMSC for all our support. Thanks, Vanpoolers!

NODonut Wednesday

Donut Friends,
Tomorrow is a very special day. Special, because there will be no donuts on Wednesday. Sad, I know, but it’s for a good cause. Tomorrow is the annual Markham Symposium, where we will all be fed to satiety at the feast of knowledge presented by our many fine graduate students and scholarship winners. There will also be refreshments to feed your tummy, at 11:00. Come out, enjoy some great presentations and posters, and have a snack before lunch. Awesome. Donuts will be back next week, at the usual time.
-MLJ

PS->Anyone have a craving to buy donuts next week?

Another damp Wednesday

Hatfielders,
Hopefully you got a chance to be outside on Saturday, because after that bright taste of summer, it looks like the weather has returned to form the last couple of days. Luckily, it turns out that a great cure for Oregon affective disorder (OAD) is donuts and good company. Come out and lament the crap weather with all of your friends over a donut and hot bev.
-MLJ
PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of your secret admirer. Me.

Interesting Donut Science Courses

DS 432 PLANNING BAKERY PROJECTS (2)
Helps donut and other bakery students understand various donut concepts, systems and technologies and practices worldwide. Lays the groundwork for students to identify different fillings, characterize flavorings and plan sustainable frying systems. Class activities examine how biological, economic and social factors influence donut recipes. PREREQS: DS 341 and /or equivalent course in food science.

DS 439 HUMAN DIMENSIONS OF DONUT WEDNESDAY (3)
Students will build an understanding and appreciation for the role of human dimensions in Donut Wednesday. They will work both independently and in groups to identify collective solutions to efficiently organize a weekly donut meeting. CROSSLISTED as FS 439 PREREQS: Principles of baked goods and introductory frostings.

DS 453 CALORIE MANAGEMENT AND DONUT CONSERVATION (3)
The ecology and conservation of biologists at Donut Wednesday, the influences of donut availability on scientists and their habitats, and management of donuts to achieve fundraising objectives. Field trips required. CROSSLISTED as FS 453. PREREQS: DS 240* or DS 341* or equivalent course in food science.

-MLJ

PS->Don’t know who picked up the wand this week. Thanks for stepping up, mystery buyer!

Celebrate the world not ending at Donuts!

True Donut Believers,
Since I’m writing this, it’s obvious we didn’t all get destroyed in a maple-flavored cataclysm on Saturday. Although I had complete faith in my prediction, it appears that I was wrong. On investigation, it turned out that several pages of my cookbook were stuck together with frosting, and so were not included in the calculation. So, my math was perfect, but incomplete. Based on a back-of-the-envelope calculation with all pages included, I now believe that the world will end in a wave of frosting on October 21, 2011. So, it still won’t be long until we’re gathering for donuts in the next world. In the meantime, I apologize if any of you sold all your possessions, but at least you have your faith to preserve you. Well, that and Wednesday Donuts. See you there.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning come courtesy of Marion Mann. Thanks, Marion!

Last Donuts Before Judgement Day

May 21, 2011: Judgement Day

The purpose of this tract is to inform you of the great urgency there now is in the world for each and every person to be reconciled to Donuts. Wednesday is the Day of Donuts! Donuts teach that on May 21st, 2011, only true believers who have eaten enough donuts to receive salvation will be raptured (taken up) out of this world to meet the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the air and forever be with the Noodly Lord. Everything I declare has the full authority of Donuts themselves. Now, at this time, information is coming forth from the Donuts which clearly reveals the Donuts’ plan for Judgment Day and the end of the world itself. The Donuts have opened up their secrets concerning the timeline of history. This information was never previously known because the Donuts had closed up the Donut Box of Knowledge, blocking any attempt to gain knowledge of the end of the world. We read about this in the book of Donuts:
Donuts 10:9 We are the door: by eating if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find a well stocked bakery.
The Donuts are very clear that Donuts are the only way into Valhalla. They are the only portal into the glorious kingdom of pastry:
Donuts 4:12 Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other baked good under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

Come get yourself right with eternity this morning, 10:00, in the Donut Worship Center.
-MLJ

PS->Eternal salvation this week courtesy of Dave Sampson. Thanks, Dave!

George Boehlert Birthday Donuts!!!

Hatfielders,
Today is a very special day, because today George Boehlert turns [redacted] years old! Imagine: in his lifetime, George has witnessed [redacted], [redacted], and the election of the first African-American president. In the middle ages, a man of George’s years would have been considered ancient and wise (as opposed to our modern opinion: handsome and wise). Come celebrate George’s special day at donuts. There will be one donut for every year of George’s life. So, as you can imagine, we will need help consuming them all.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Candace Rogers, in honor of George’s special day. Thanks, Candace!

Genetics! and Donuts

I’m genetixing my brains out, so will be forced to miss donuts this morning. Damn it.
Enjoy a donut for me, though. I’ll be crying in my master mix.
-MLJ

PS->Don’t know who’s buying, but thanks!

Dunkin Donuts

He first saw her through the window of the Dunkin Donuts on Jamison Street. She was pleasantly rounded. Not quite donut shaped, not quite woman shaped, but like a friendly compromise between the two. It was a shape that he could work with. He knew he had to have her.

“Hey, Chief. You got a minute?”
“Yeah, what’s up, Carlos?”
“They found another one, up in Smith Canyon.”
“Same M.O.?”
“Yeah. Heavyset. Hole right through the middle.”
“Right.”
“What’s this guy’s deal, Chief? I mean, what’s he trying to say?”
“I don’t know. Maybe he likes donuts. I really don’t know.”
“Maybe he thinks we like donuts. What the f***.”
“Let me know what the evidence team turns up.”
“Will do.”
-MLJ

PS->Don’t know who’s buying this week, but thanks, Mysterious Benefactor!

Mmm. Delicious donuts.

This is the best kind of week. The weather is finally cooperating, lab work is going well, and the donut blog has earned $2.61 in only 3 short years. The beauty part? It’s Wednesday, nearing 10:00am. That means donuts. So, even though the week is going well so far, it’s about to get much better. For a little while, at least. You should make your week better by coming to donuts this morning, too. It’ll make you happier, I promise.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ralph Breitenstein. Thanks, Ralph!

NDF Workshop - Missing Donuts

Hatfielders,
I’m sad to report that I’ll be missing donuts tomorrow, since I’ll be at a National Donut Foundation workshop on getting free donuts in a competitive funding environment. I’ve looked over the workshop schedule, and there really seem to be some good ideas being presented. Some things we might be able to use to support donuts if the generosity of Hatfielders dries up:
1. Donut Theft: Local Statutes, Felony Limits, and Navigating the Criminal Justice System
2. Bakery Dumpsters: Are Day-Old Donuts Really That Bad?
3. Conning the Elderly: Overcoming Your Moral Reservations to Score Free Pastry
4. Construction Sites: Is a Hardhat Your Ticket to Safety-Meeting Donuts?
I’ll let you know how the workshop went when we reconvene next week.
-MLJ
PS->Someone grabbed the donut wand right away last week, but I never found out who it was. Thanks, Mysterious Benefactor!

Come to donuts

Is your life hectic?
Too much to do, and too little time to do it?
Are you constantly on conference calls?
Trying to write papers and proposals?
Are you incessantly being interrupted by students/colleagues/your advisor?
Feel like you are nearing the end of your rope?

Why not:
Shirk all your responsibilities and come to donuts?
It won’t solve any of your problems, but a donut and coffee would sure taste good.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Maryann Bozza and HMSC. Thanks, Maryann!

It's Wednesday Donut Time!

Bismarck Bob: Say kids, what time is it?
Kids: It's Wednesday Donut Time!

It's Wednesday Donut Time.
It's Wednesday Donut Time.
Maple frost and coffee, too.
Say Howdy Do to you.
Let's give a rousing cheer,
Cause Wednesday Donuts are here,
It's time to start the show,
So kids let's go!
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Bill Hanshumaker. Thanks, Bill!

Donut Break

It’s spring break for grade school and college students, which means that kids everywhere are sleeping in, watching TV, and possibly getting drunk (if they’re old enough). For us working stiffs, though, there can be NO break. We need to produce important science, and science waits for no man. We need to grind out science until our fingers are worn to the bone. Our only refuge? Donuts. Don’t miss your mandatory weekly break today at 10:00.
-MLJ

PS->I bought donuts today. Hooray! It would be delightful if someone else would step up for next week.

Chilean Donuts

Hatfieldians,
Unfortunately, I'm away at a conference and will be missing donuts tomorrow. I was initially concerned, but as you can see from the attached picture, taken in the Santiago airport, Chile is a civilized country. So, you don't need to worry about me. Enjoy donuts for me. I'll see you all next week.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ric Brodeur. Thanks, Ric!

Additional Donut Health Benefits

Donut obviously have some (minor) drawbacks, such as having a few extra calories, and usually only coming in maple OR chocolate, but they also have a number of health benefits. For example:
1. Donuts cure blindness.
2. Donuts make you more famine resistant.
3. Donuts make you a better swimmer.
4. Donuts instantly heal all wounds.
5. Donuts absorb poison from snake and spider bites.
6. Donuts increase your physical stamina.
7. Donuts improve muscle tone.
8. Donuts give you the ability to command animals (particularly fruit bats).
9. Donuts allow you to absorb power from your enemies.
10. Donuts give you night vision or sonar, your choice.
Now, come enjoy some of the benefits of donuts this morning at 10:00.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Kathleen O’Malley. Thanks, Kathleen!

Donuts and Planarians

So, I was just chatting with Randy Walker in the Staff Lounge, and he reminded me that donuts, like planarians, are capable of regenerating when cut in half. The gist of his argument was that if we cut all our donuts in half, and then were patient, we’d get a lot more donuts. While this in undoubtedly true, I have to point out that donut overpopulation is a significant problem worldwide. To put it in starker terms, donuts are vermin, and should be exterminated. Do your part and help solve the problem this morning at 10:00.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning come courtesy of Susan Gilmont. Thanks, Susan!

Donuts and Exercise

Donut Friends,
You all know that donuts are part of a balanced diet, but I am going to tell you that it is also important that you exercise to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I am an avid exerciser, as some of you know. Already this morning, I have burned SEVERAL calories. For example, after I woke up, I climbed out of bed and walked to the shower (7 calories). As I got into the shower, I closed the shower door (1 calorie). I soaped up (4 calories), rinsed (2 calories), and toweled off (5 calories). After my shower, I got dressed (8 calories) and brushed my teeth (2 calories). I picked up my cat, Bunny (4 calories) and scratched under her chin (1 calorie). Then I drove to work (10 calories). Even typing this email is exercise (2 calories). Thankfully, I’ll be able to replenish all the energy I’ve expended at donuts this morning at 10:00. You too can have an active lifestyle, if you take credit for all the stuff you’re doing anyway. See you at donuts!
-MLJ
PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Kim Jacobson. Thanks, Kim!

Best Donuts

The best thing about the week is Wednesday
The best thing about Wednesday is donuts
The best thing about donuts is sometimes they’re not
-MLJ

PS->Sweet treats supplied by Mark Camara and Anjanette Baker. Thanks, Mark and Anjanette!

Book of Donut Questions

If someone offered you $10000 to eat nothing but donuts for one month, would you do it?

If you had to choose between having coffee and two donuts or orange juice and plain oatmeal for breakfast every morning for the rest of your life, which would you pick?

Someone offers you the following challenge: If you eat nothing but donuts for the rest of your life, no one in your town will get cancer. Would you take on the challenge? What if your sacrifice prevented every disease? If you stumble even once, every person you’ve saved would instantly die.

Stuff to ponder while munching donuts this morning.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Candace Rogers. She didn’t want to see your tears, since no one else stepped up. Thanks, Candace!

Climate Change and Donuts

As many of you may know, there’s a meeting going on in the auditorium on the topic of climate change (or some other junk). The problem? Their break overlaps with the end of donuts. Initially, I was annoyed at this, but now I see an opportunity. You see, while they might be able to scavenge a few leftover donuts, we’ll be well-positioned to enjoy donuts and their snacks as well. (Seriously, though, don’t steal their food.) Here are some tips for jumping on the climate change snack wagon:
1. They wear nametags. You should get a paper nametag and apply it to yourself before donuts.
2. Keep some handy phrases about climate change (or whatever they’re meeting about) available. Some possibilities: “You know what I hate? Climate change.”, “It just breaks my heart to think about all those Sherpas losing their jobs due to sea level rise.”, “What’s up with the IPCC? What a bunch of scrubs (geniuses).”
3. Fast hands, deep pockets. While you’re dazzling them with your array of knowledge about climate change, you need to be scavenging as fast as you can. Just load up your pockets for later. Don’t worry about what you’re getting.
Good luck!
-MLJ

PS->Don’t know who’s buying this week. Thanks, buyer.
PPS->Seriously, don’t steal their food. ;-)

Donuts

Did you know that only good people eat donuts. Bad people don’t like them.
Also, donuts are part of a healthy, balanced diet. Moderation is key.
Also, donuts taste good.
Also, they’ll make you better looking, fitter, and may grant wishes.
Also, if you miss donuts, your family will stop loving you.
Also, that’s probably about it, really.
Come to donuts.
-MLJ
PS->The donut wand disappeared from the Staff Lounge, so I assume someone is buying. If you want credit, let me know who you are. Otherwise, thanks, Mysterious Benefactor.

Lust for Donuts

Here comes Johnny Yen again
With the crullers and donuts
And the sugar and cream
He's gonna make some more coffee
Hey man where'd you get
That bismarck? I been hurting
Since I bought the gimmick
About something called diet
Yeah something called diet
That's like hypnotizing chickens
Well I am just a modern guy
Of course I've had it on Wednesday before

'Cause of a lust for donuts
'Cause of a lust for donuts

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of a generous individual who wishes to remain anonymous. Thanks, Anonymous Friend!

Donut Seminar

Hatfielders,
Dr Fred Allendorf, Lavern Weber Visiting Scientist, will be presenting a special seminar this morning at 10:15 in the Library Seminar Room. Entitled “My Favorite Donuts: A famous population geneticist’s perspective”, it promises to be a fascinating discussion. I encourage you all to attend. Also, there will be donuts there, so you won’t have to miss out on that. If you can’t dedicate the whole hour, there will also be a selection of donuts in the usual place, at the usual time (although, rumor has it, these will be the donuts that Dr. Allendorf does not prefer).
-MLJ

PS->The Director’s Office is picking up the tab for donuts this week, on account of the special seminar. Thanks, George and Candace!

Good Alternative to Donuts

Now, you know that I’m usually a very strong advocate for attending donuts at all costs. This morning, however, I’m going to encourage you to swing by donuts on your way to Angie Sremba’s Thesis defense (in the Library Seminar Room), instead. The reason for this, if you must know, is that I suspect that Angie may, in fact, have BETTER SNACKS. She’s apparently going to give some kind of speech, or something, too. But don’t worry, if you can’t commit a whole hour, donuts will still be in the usual place, at the usual time.
-MLJ

PS->For the third week in a row, I don’t know who’s buying donuts. So thanks, Awesome Donut Buyer.

Snuggle Bunny and the Delightful Catastrophe

One day, Snuggle Bunny was rummaging through her grandfather Crotchety Bunny’s attic. Just for something to do, you know? Mostly, it was full of old newspapers and musty trunks full of unfashionable fashions, and about fifty croquet sets. But, in one dark corner, behind a curtain, under a sheet, and buried under fifty years worth of newsprint, was an INTERESTING BOX. On the side of the box it said, “Magical Donut Machine.” There were pictures, too. Pictures of donuts. All kinds of donuts. Glazed, frosted, old fashioned, with sprinkles, and without. Snuggle Bunny decided that this was a good find, and took it downstairs. Crotchety Bunny was sleeping in his comfy chair by the fire, so Snuggle Bunny decided not to disturb him. Instead, she took the box home and up to her room. Luckily, since her mom and dad were at work, there were no unnecessary explanations to be made. Bunny put the box on the floor in the middle of the room. She opened the box and took out the donut machine. It was silver, and looked brand new. On the front, it had two lighted buttons, marked “Go” and “Stop”. It also had a knob, with a pointer, and three settings: “Small”, “Medium”, and “Larger”. Snuggle Bunny decided to start with the “Small” setting. She pushed the “Go” button, and the machine began to hum. A donut began to be extruded from the nozzle. It looked like it was inflating like a balloon, actually. In a moment, the machine dropped a perfect miniature donut on the rack at the bottom of the machine. Chocolate. The next one came out with sprinkles. The third one, maple. Snuggle Bunny pressed the “Stop” button, and the machine went quiet. She ate one of the miniature donuts, thought for a moment. Then she switched the knob to “Medium” and pressed “Go”. Now, the donuts came out normal sized. First, an old fashioned. Then, a maple bar. Bunny pressed “Stop”. The machine stopped. Snuggle Bunny ate another miniature donut and wondered to herself: “Why does it say Larger? It should say ‘Large’.” Obviously, it would all become clear through use of the machine, so Snuggle Bunny switched the knob to “Larger” and pressed “Go”. This time, the lights behind the “Go” and “Stop” buttons went dark. Otherwise, the machine worked just like before. A donut immediately began forming, and eventually another miniature donut dropped to the rack. “Why is it miniature?”, thought Bunny. But the question was soon answered, because the next donut was “Larger” and came out normal sized. The one after that was an apple fritter the size of an apple pie. Snuggle Bunny pressed the “Stop” button. Nothing happened. Another donut was already being made. It was the size of a trash can lid. The next one, the size of Snuggle Bunny’s bed. Snuggle Bunny struggled over the giant donut and tried pressing the “Stop” button again, with no effect. Then she thought, “Maybe I can just unplug the machine?” But, there was no cord. The machine just came on by itself. The next donut forced Snuggle Bunny to flee the room. She went downstairs. She could still hear the machine working up in her room, and the house was beginning to creak. Snuggle Bunny went outside. As she stood on the sidewalk, her father and mother drove into the driveway. Her mother asked, “What are you doing home, Bunny?” Her father asked, “Why aren’t you at your grandfather’s house?” Just then, there was a horrendous crash and crunch, bang and smash from the house. Bunny’s parents turned to look, and saw the roof lifting off the house, carried by a giant donut. Then, the whole house collapsed. Bunny’s parents turned back to look at Bunny. “What have you done?” “You’ve destroyed our house.” “I was making donuts with a machine I found, and it got out of hand,” was all Bunny could offer in reply. She held up the last miniature donut. Her father took it from her, looked at it, and put it in his mouth. His mouth began to curve into a smile. Then he said, “As long as we have all these amazing donuts, why don’t you girls invite the neighbors over for a donut party and I’ll call my insurance agent.”
The End.
-MLJ

PS->I don’t know who grabbed the wand, so Thank You, Mysterious Stranger.

The Great Donut

According to Swedish tradition, the Great Donut (den Goda Pajen) visits all the world's donut shops on the last Wednesday of Advent (Munk Onsdagen), blessing a handful of donuts at each location. These blessed donuts are said to give the consumer special benefits throughout the year. Traditional blessings are associated with baked goods. For example, "you will marry a girl who owns a deep fryer (flottflickan)" or "the village baker adopts you as a daughter (brödadoptering)". More modern blessings can be more varied. For example, "you gain the power to transform into a salmon at will (fiskeriutbrot)" or "you gain the ability to come up with really cool rock band names on demand (gitarr hjälte)".
Since most people are probably gone for the holiday already, those few of us who are left have an excellent chance to score one of these special donuts. Don't miss Donut Wednesday on such a special day!
-MLJ

PS->I don't know who grabbed the wand. Hopefully someone did. Thanks!

Ring of Pastry

Oil Is A Burning Thing
But It Makes The Pastry Ring
Bound By Forces I Don’t Know
I Fell Into A Frosted Ring Of Dough

CHORUS:
I Fell Into A Frosted Ring of Dough
I Went Down, Down, Down
And My Blood Sugar Went Higher

And It Calls to Me Still
The Ring Of Pastry
The Ring Of Pastry

The Taste Of Love Is Sweet
When Mouth and Donut Meet
I Fell For Donuts Like A Child
Oh, But The Insulin Went Wild

CHORUS:
I Fell Into A Frosted Ring of Dough
I Went Down, Down, Down
And My Blood Sugar Went Higher

And It Calls to Me Still
The Ring Of Pastry
The Ring Of Pastry

Oil Is A Burning Thing
But It Makes The Pastry Ring
Bound By Forces I Don’t Know
I Fell Into A Frosted Ring Of Dough

I Fell Into A Frosted Ring Of Dough
I Went Down(down), Down(down), Down(down)
And My Blood Sugar Went Higher Higher Higher

I Fell Into A Frosted Ring Of Dough
I Went Down(down), Down(down), Down(down)
And My Blood Sugar Went Higher Higher Higher

And It’s Sweet
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Maryann Bozza. Thanks for batting cleanup, Maryann!

Cruller Education Really Matters

The Cruller Education Really Matters (CERM) foundation is sponsoring a donut tasting this morning at 10:00, in the Staff Lounge. We will have coffee, and possibly some fruit to cleanse your palates, along with a variety of delicious donuts. Donuts this year cover a wide range of types, from the old fashioned, through filled varieties, to classic raised varieties. Coincidentally, the other CERM is also having a poster session in the hallway outside. Come check them both out.
-MLJ
PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of HMSC and the REAL CERM. Awesome.

Sea of Donuts

Join Us
For
Sea of Donuts – Today at 10:00am

Surround yourself with the Spirit of Donuts at the
150th (or so) weekly Sea of Donuts

Enjoy Donuts, the Company of Other People, and Coffee (or Tea)!

Admission Prices: By Donation.

-MLJ

PS->Londi Tomaro supplied our donut fix for the week. Thanks, Londi!

Come to Donuts!

Well, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire in the staff lounge is delightful. And since some of us have to be at work anyway, Come to Donuts! Come to Donuts! Come to Donuts!
It’ll be a wonderful way to spend part of the last work day before Thanksgiving. Trust me.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts tomorrow come courtesy of Caitlin White. Thanks, Caitlin!

18 Year Donut Anniversary

Hatfielders,
It’s hard to believe, but today is my 18-year anniversary writing the donut emails for Hatfield. Amazing. I remember back at the beginning, when I was just stealing all my ideas from DonutPoetry.com. What a crazy, hedonistic time that was. I don’t think I came to work a single day without being high as a kite on sugar and life in those years. But, we all mature. These days, I steal all my ideas from DonutComedy.com and I make sure I eat at least two pieces of fruit every month, whether I feel like it or not. Ah, memories. In honor of my anniversary, come out to the staff lounge for a donut and a reminisce at 10:00.
-MLJ
PS->Donuts this week come courtesy of Cheryl Horton. Thanks, Cheryl!

Donuthalla

In Scandinavian mythology, Donuthalla (anglicized from Old Norse Dönüthǫllr "hall of the donut") is a majestic, enormous hall located in Hatgard, ruled over by the god Mattias. Chosen by Mattias, half of those that die as scientists travel to Donuthalla upon death, led by a trail of donuts, while the other half go to the god Loki’s bike shop, Bïkevangr.
In Donuthalla, the dead join the masses of those who have died as scientists, known as Döda Forskare, as well as various legendary Germanic bakers and kings, as they prepare to aid Odin during the events of The Great Heavenly Science Fair and Bake-off. Before the hall stands the golden donut Dönüt, and the hall's ceiling is thatched with golden bear claws.
Donuthalla is attested in the Poetic Donut, compiled in the 13th century from earlier traditional sources, the Prose Donut, written in the 13th century by Snurrig Bakelse, in Princesstårtan, och Andra Delikatesser, also written in the 13th century by Snurrig Bakelse, and in stanzas of an anonymous 10th century poem commemorating the death of a Dr. Eric Krillforskare known as Eiríksmunk as compiled in Sagor om Munkar. Donuthalla has inspired various works of art, publication titles, popular culture references, and has become a term synonymous with a scientific (or otherwise) hall of the chosen dead.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ric Brodeur. Thanks, Ric!

Donut BASIC

Since I’ve been having to look for “volunteers” to buy donuts on a lot of recent Tuesdays, I’ve decided to simplify the task slightly by automating it. I’ve therefore written the following program in BASIC, which will perform the task for me. I haven’t quite figured out how to package it as a computer virus, but when I do, you’ll know. ;-) In the meantime, you’ll just have to install it on your Apple II GS or Commodore 128 yourself. Thanks! And, don’t forget to come to donuts tomorrow at 10:00.

10 INPUT “What is your name? “, U$
20 PRINT “Hello “; U$
30 INPUT “Would you like to buy donuts this week? “ A$
40 IF A$ = “Y” OR A$ = “y” THEN GOTO 70 ELSE GOTO 50
50 PRINT “If you do I’ll be your best friend forever ” U$
60 GOTO 30
70 PRINT “Thanks “; U$
80 PRINT “You rock!”
90 END

-MLJ

PS->Donuts are courtesy of Dann Cutter this week. Thanks, Dann!

Donuts?

It’s the happiest day of the week! Donut Day!
If you have any love in your heart,
Or if you have a soul in your body,
you’ll come out and have a donut.
If you’re not there, we won’t be friends any more.
-MLJ
PS->Donuts this week by Becca Schiewe. Thanks, Becca!

Donut

Donut
Shape symbolizing eternity
No end, and no beginning
Your sweetness reminds
Of the best moments in life
Your softness
Like a loved one’s hug
It’s no surprise
That you are the beloved
Of everyone
Donut

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Anita McCulloch. Thanks, Anita!