Tuesday, August 26, 2008

419 Donuts

Dear Sir,

I am Mr. Mattias Johansson, Branch Manager of Mama's Old Fashioned Donuts of Nigeria, Lagos Branch. I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.

On June 6, 2008, an American Donut consultant/contractor with the Nigerian National Donut Corporation, Mr. Barry Kelly ordered 75,000,000 (Seventy Five Million) donuts from our bakery. On completion, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Nigerian National Donut Corporation that Mr. Barry Kelly died from choking on a donut. On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a Will, and all attempts by the American Embassy to trace his next of kin was fruitless.

I therefore made further investigation and discovered that Mr. Barry Kelly did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents, including his donut order paperwork in my Bakery. This sum of total 75,000,000 donuts are still sitting in my Bakery, getting stale, as dormant account. No one will ever come forward to claim them, and according to Nigerian Law after 5 years, the donuts will revert to the ownership of the Nigeria Government if the baked goods owner is certified dead and nobody comes forward to claim them.

This is the situation, and my proposal is that I am looking for an American who will stand in as the next of kin to Mr. Barry Kelly. A bakery account abroad will then facilitate the transfer of these donuts to the beneficiary/next of kin. This is simple all you have to do is to immediately send me the details of a bakery location anywhere in the world for me to arrange the proper donut transfer paperwork. The donuts will then be shipped this bakery for us to share in the ratio 70% for me; 30% for you.

There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by me using my position and connection in the Bakery in Nigeria. We shall employ the services of an attorney to draft the Will and obtain all necessary documents and letters of administration in your favour for the transfer. This transaction is guaranteed. If you are interested, please reply immediately via the private email address below. Please observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to help eat my share.

Awaiting your urgent reply via my email: dontbotheremailing@mail.com

Thank you and regards.

Mr. Mattias Johansson.

 
Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Donut Documentary

Donut Enthusiasts,
While I don't usually use user-submitted content for these emails, Mark Nielsen forwarded a very cool little documentary on making donuts, so I've decided to attach it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbs64GvGgPU&feature=related
It's short, it's funny, and it speaks to my national pride (as a Swede).
Check it out!
-MLJ
Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Famous Chefs Premier New Dessert (French Donuts?)

Hatfielders,
Chefs Pascal Brignole and Jennifer Pini, co-owners of Marseilles' finest restaurant, "N'est stupide que la stupidité et fier de P'être", invite you to a special closed-to-the public tasting of their new dessert (son dessert 100% calorique), "le chien qui a les noix" tomorrow at 10:00 in the staff lounge.
They promise that once you taste your first, you'll be booking that flight to France for a second bite!
-MLJ
 
 
Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The Donuteria

8/5/2008, 3:09 PM

Donuts.
only a
nutcase
using
their
email
might
assume his
ideas are
liked by
someone else
.
but
likely
others
get it.
see the
poetry
of
the thing?
.
come
out Wednesday
morning
 
;-)
 
-MLJ
 
Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Welcome!

Welcome to the Donuteria, the new Donut Email Archive. 
All the emails I could find in my sent mail box are here, along with a few tidbits of other interesting stuff (look for poetry by Tomas Follett, for one). 
Hope you're able to recycle a laugh at one of my inanities.
Enjoy!
-MLJ

NEW!

From Hatfield Brewing,

The brewery that brought you Jolly Rancher Porter and Peanut Butter Pilsner:

An authentic Belgian-style wheat ale flavored with donuts

 

Come Sample Our Flavoring Agents (that is to say, donuts) Wednesday @ 10:00 In The Staff Lounge!

All Ages Welcome!

 

-MLJ
 
Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345

The Donut Pokey

7/23/2008, 8:28 AM

The Donut Pokey (sung to the tune of...what do you think? Old MacDonald?)

You put your right hand in,
You take a donut out;
You hold that donut up,
Then you cram it in your mouth.
You do the Donut-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

You put your left hand in,
You take a donut out;
You hold that donut up,
Then you cram it in your mouth.
You do the Donut-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

You put your whole head in,
You put your whole head out;
You put your whole head in,
and then you graze just like a cow.
You do the Donut-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

Come do the Donut-Pokey with the HsO this morning at 10:00 in the staff lounge.
-MLJ


Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Other Uses for Donuts

7/15/2008, 5:16 PM

You know, it's never been a problem here at Hatfield, but it can (rarely) happen that donuts live past their prime. In those unlikely circumstances, it's best to buy some new donuts, and to find an alternate use for the vintage ones. Here are a few ideas:
1. Drink Coaster
2. Paper Weight
3. Door Stop
4. Dog Toy (best not to let the dog eat it, though)
5. Support for the short leg of the couch
6. Pen and Pencil Holder
7. I'm tired and
8. can't think of
9. three more, sorry.
10. Feed it to a graduate student

Come have a fresh donut, Wednesday 10:00 in the staff lounge.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Wheel of Donuts

7/9/2008, 8:41 AM

Thanks for playing the Wheel of Donuts Email Edition!

Category: Phrase

Prize: Free Donuts

Your letters: DSRGLF EU

Solve the Puzzle:

D__u_s _re _ g_rls _est fr_e_d!

Also, come out to donuts this morning at 10:00 in the staff lounge!
BYOM and B$
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Useful Spanish Phrases for the Donut-eating Traveller (with Guest Translator Norma Vazquez)

7/1/2008, 4:36 PM

Here are some useful phrases for when you're traveling in Central America and desperately need a donut.

Step 1: Finding Donuts
Can you direct me to the local donut shop?
Me puede diregir a la tienda mas cercana donde vendan donas?

Step 2: Negotiating a Purchase
How much is that donut?
Cuanto cuesta esa dona?

If I buy these three donuts, will you give me that fourth one for free?
Si compro estas tres donas, me das la quarta gratis?

Step 3: When Confronted by Bandits
You can have this donut when you pry it from my cold, dead hand.
Puedes tener esta dona cuando me la quites de mis manos frias y muertas.

-or-

Here's my money and gold watch. Please, just leave the donuts.
Aqui esta mi dinero y reloj de oro. Por favor nada mas deja las donas.

Join the HsO for a donut Wednesday morning at 10:00 in the Staff Lounge. BYO Mug and money.
Vengan por donas este Miercoles en la manana a las 10:00 en la Staff Lounge.
-MLJ
-assisted by NAV

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Donutus

6/25/2008, 9:21 AM

Johansson's Believe it or Not #1
Did you know that in ancient Greece, Donuts, at the time called donutidis, were considered the food of the gods, and that many people believed that if you ate enough donuts in your lifetime, you would earn a special place in the Elysian Fields?
Believe it, or Not!

Come earn some credit toward heaven this morning at 10:00 in the staff lounge.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Ďöñûŧ (and a reply from Tomas Follett)

6/18/2008, 8:30 AM

For Sale:
1968 Donut
Low Miles, Excellent Gas Mileage, No Windows, Filling, Hole
$0 or best offer

This morning, staff lounge, 10:00. BYO Mug.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma



Follett's Reply (LMAO, you are killing):


Most sublime torus
Choking on powdered sugar
Caffeine immanent


Tomas Follett
Data Manager / Developer
Oregon State University
Marine Mammal Institute

Seminar: "Donuts: the New Gold Standard"

6/11/2008, 8:32 AM

NEWPORT (Reuters) - Billionaire investor Mark Nielsen of HSO Investments has announced that he is investing a significant amount in Donuts (NYSE DNTS 0.59 +0.02). Says Nielsen, "With stocks trading near record lows, and oil prices near record highs, you've just got to invest in something you feel good about. For me, donuts is it." Nielsen is also hosting an investment seminar on Wednesday, June 11, at 10:00am in the HMSC Staff Lounge, Newport, entitled "Donuts: the New Gold Standard". Join him and the rest of the HSO Investments team for this free seminar.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

It's Donut Wednesday!

6/4/2008, 9:18 AM

Delicious
Orgasmic
Unmatched
Greasy
Healthy
Nutritious
U? I already did a U-word. How about Untamed?
Tempting
Sugary

Come have a donut/doughnut this morning at 10:00.
Staff Lounge
BYO mug
BYO $$$
Thanks!
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

For the love of a good woman (or barring that, a good donut).

5/28/2008, 9:14 AM

Have you ever been in love?
You know, the way you can remember every detail, even after they're gone?
The way they feel, the way they smell, the way they make your fingers greasy when you touch them?

That's how I feel about donuts.

Come join the HsO this morning in the staff lounge (10:00) for coffee and love.

We'd also love it if you gave us your money.

-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Donuts

5/21/2008, 9:35 AM

Donuts
Are you the food of the gods?
Or bakery's greatest creation?
A comforting mix
Of sugar and pastry
Deep fried perfection


Come have a donut this morning at 10:00 in the staff lounge.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Donuts?

5/14/2008, 9:04 AM


Hatfielders,
There comes a time in every person's life where he or she feels unfulfilled, and empty inside. For me, this feeling comes every Wednesday at 10:00. It means I need a donut. Come join me (and the HsO) in filling the emptiness inside with pastry this morning in the staff lounge. There will also be coffee. BYOMug. You can also help fill the emptiness inside our donation jar.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

To donut, or not to donut: that is the question. (The first creative post?)

4/30/2008, 8:33 AM

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the donuts and coffee of outrageous fortune, or to take donuts against a sea of coffee, come join the HsO this morning at 10:00 in the staff lounge. Donuts donated by David Sampson, coffee by Londi Tomaro. As usual, BYO mug (and donations are welcome).
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Perfect day for a donut

4/23/2008, 8:24 AM

HMSCers,
It's a perfect morning for a hot cup of joe and a donut. Join us at 10:00 in the staff lounge. We'll have the fireplace going, and we'll have plenty of pastries and good company. As always, BYO mug and donations are warmly welcomed.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Donut?

4/16/2008, 9:13 AM

Join the HsO for coffee and donuts this morning at 10:00 in the staff lounge. Featuring coffee lovingly brewed by Londi Tomaro and donuts hand-crafted by John Chapman. BYO mug, and donations always welcomed.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Donuts?

4/9/2008, 8:59 AM

HMSCers,
Join the HsO for a donut and a coffee this morning at 10:00. BYO Mug, and donations are warmly welcomed.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

How does the optimum foraging theory apply to donuts?

4/2/2008, 8:19 AM

HMSCers,
It's that time of week again. Come and join the HsO in a cuppa and a fried pastry. Staff lounge, 10:00. BYO mug, donations always welcome. Be there or be square.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

The highlight of the week - it's DONUT DAY!

3/26/2008, 8:29 AM

HMSCers,
Join the HsO in the Staff Lounge this morning for donuts (provided by yours truly) and hot coffee (made by Londi Tomaro). It's the perfect morning for some hot coffee and comradeship. We'll have the fireplace going, and you can enjoy the lovely spring rain through the windows. As always, BYO mug, and donations are warmly welcomed (but never demanded).
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Donut Hour!

3/19/2008, 8:26 AM

HMSCers,
Join the HsO in bidding a fond farewell to our previous donut coordinator, Marisa Litz, who will be defending her Master's thesis this Friday, and welcoming our new coffee-and-donut technician, Londi Tomaro. Donuts are provided by Mara Spencer, and coffee by the HsO. As always, BYO mug and donations are warmly welcomed.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Chili Chile Chilly (Not about Donuts. Surprised?)

3/10/2008, 4:06 PM


HMSCers,
Come celebrate the deliciousness of chili with the HsO tomorrow at noon in the Staff Lounge. Six esteemed chefs will be presenting their finest examples of chili cookery. George Boehlert, Lisa Mulcahy, Olga Rowe, Mark Nielsen, Debrah Boylen, and Marisa Litz are facing off. Your task will be to decide whose chili is THE BEST OF HMSC! It's a SIX-WAY DEATHMATCH of BEANS and SPICE! You won't want to miss this event, it'll be one for the ages. Admission is $5 at the door. Proceeds benefit HsO and the Lincoln County Food Share.
See you there!
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Wednesday Donut Festival

3/5/2008, 8:55 AM

Hmscers,
Join the HsO this morning at 10:00 in the staff lounge for donuts (kindly provided by Sean Matson) and coffee (courtesy of the HsO). If you haven't come in a while (or you've never come at all), we'd love to see you this morning! BYO mug, and donations are always welcomed.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

Donuts!

2/20/2008, 9:31 AM

HMSCers,
Come out of your hidey-holes on this beautiful, sunny day, and enjoy a donut and some coffee with the HsO! Donuts are provided by Alicia Bishop, coffee by the HsO. BYO mug, donations always welcome.
See you there!
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

A Couple of Early Donut Emails...

10/16/2007, 4:38 PM

Donuts are on Tsunami Hiatus

Community Donut Fans,
Due to tomorrow's tsunami drill (and scenic walk), the weekly donut get-together is on hiatus this week. Please join us next week, at the usual 10am Wednesday time, for donuts provided by Monita Cheever and coffee brewed with love by the HsO.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma

10/17/2007, 9:04 AM

Donuts are BACK ON!!! Delayed to 11am

Donut Eaters,
Join the HsO for a warming cup of coffee and a donut (provided by Monita Cheever) this morning at 11am (or whenever you get back from the tsunami walk). BYO mug, and donations are always welcomed.
-MLJ

Mattias Johansson
Marine Fisheries Genetics
Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station
Hatfield Marine Science Center
2030 SE Marine Science Drive
Newport, OR 97365
Phone: 541-867-0421
Fax: 541-867-0345
http://oregonstate.edu/~johansma