The Donuteria: October 2009

Darkness and Donuts

Sometimes I hurt

Feel lonely and empty

Sadness and pain

Look within myself and find darkness

The darkness of a foggy night

Dark as Colombian coffee

The kind that would go great with a tiger-stripe maple bar

Then I remember that donuts is tomorrow

And my spirits soar...

-MLJ

Marvelous Donut of Life Discovered By Semi-Famous Doctor

SICK MADE WELL, WEAK MADE STRONG

MARVELOUS DONUT OF LIFE DISCOVERED BY FAMOUS DOCTOR-SCIENTIST THAT CURES EVERY KNOWN AILMENT

WONDERFUL CURES ARE EFFECTED THAT SEEM LIKE MIRACLES PERFORMED- THE SECRET OF LONG LIFE OF OLDEN TIMES REVIVED

After years of patient study and delving into the dusty record of the past, as well as following modern experiments in the realms of medical science, Dr. Mattias L. Beignet, makes the startling announcement that he has surely discovered the donut of life; that he is able, with the aid of a mysterious compound, known only to himself, produced as a result of the years he has spent in searching for this precious life-giving boon, to cure any and every disease that is known to the human body. There is no doubt of the doctor’s earnestness in making his claim, and the remarkable cures that he is daily effecting seem to bear him out very strongly. His theory which he advances is one of reason and based on sound experience eating donuts for many years. It costs little to try his remarkable “Donut of Life,” as he calls it, for he sends it to anyone who is a sufferer, in sufficient quantities to convince of its ability to cure for only $1; so there is very little risk to run. Some of the cures cited are very remarkable, and but for reliable witnesses would hardly be credited. The lame have thrown away crutches and walked about after two or three trials of the remedy. The sick, given up by their home doctors, have been restored to their families and friends in perfect health. Rheumatism, neuralgia, stomach, heart, liver, kidney, blood, and skin diseases and bladder troubles disappear as if by magic. Headaches, backaches, nervousness, fevers, consumption, coughs, colds, asthma, catarrh, bronchitis, and all affections of the throat, lungs, or any vital organs are easily overcome in a space of time that is simply marvelous. Partial paralysis, locomotor ataxia, dropsy, gout, scrofula, and piles are quickly and permanently removed. It purifies the entire system, blood and tissues, restores normal nerve power, circulation, and a state of perfect health is produced at once. To the doctor all systems are alike and equally affected by this great “Donut of Life”. Send for the remedy today. Only $1 for the sufferer. State what you want to be cured of, and the sure remedy for it will be sent to you by return mail.

-MLJ

Embarrassing Donut Admission

Donut Friends,

I’ve got an embarrassing admission to make. During a moment of weakness on my fact-finding mission in upstate New York, I considered a career change.

It was the result of this sign:

Note the critical phrase “See inside to apply for a job that fits your life”. Luckily, Mara was there to remind me of the decade-and-a-half of post-high-school education I’ve got, so I didn’t put in an application. It was a near miss, though. Luckily, I’m safe back in Newport, continuing my scientific career and looking forward to donuts tomorrow.

Because of our annual tsunami drill, donuts will be delayed until after we all walk to the hillside (~10:30?). So, go for a walk in the rain while pretending to save your life, then come in for a warming cup of joe and a donut.

See you there!

-MLJ

Donut Fact-Finding Mission

Hatfielders,
I'm on a factfinding mission in upstate New York, seeking to understand east coast donuts. I've attached some pictures. I'll miss donuts tomorrow, though. Have fun without me.
Donuts, 10:00 in the staff lounge.
-MLJ