College.Bismarck.DonutGenomics

Hatfielders,

I'm starting to feel the end of my PhD approach, so I've started looking for interesting positions to apply for. One that caught my eye is attached below. It's a tenure-track position, so I'm probably a dark horse candidate, but it seems a good fit. Wish me luck!

-MLJ

PS->Don't forget to come out and have a donut with me tomorrow at 10:00

in the staff lounge.

Mattias Johansson

Marine Fisheries Genetics

Coastal Oregon Marine Experiment Station Hatfield Marine Science Center 2030 SE Marine Science Drive Newport, OR 97365

Phone: 541-867-0421

Fax: 541-867-0345

http://people.oregonstate.edu/~johansma

-----Original Message-----

From: bakedir@bakery.ca [mailto:bakedir@bakery.ca]

Sent: Wednesday, September 09, 2009 11:55 PM

To: Johansson, Mattias - FW

Subject: Job: CollegeBismarck.DonutGenomics

Assistant Professor, Donut Genomics

Assistant Professor. The Department of Biology, College of Bismarck, invites applications for a tenure-track position in Donut Genomics at the Assistant Professor level to begin August, 2010. Candidates must possess a Ph.D. in the bakery sciences or a closely related field, an addiction to fried food, and an active donut comedy writing program.

The particular area of research in donut genomics and the type(s) of frosting are open, but the selected candidate will be expected to assist with the training of graduate students in the Fried Pastry program . Teaching responsibilities may include undergraduate courses in baking and brewing a decent cup of coffee, and graduate course that complements current donut genomics offerings in the baked goods master's program.

The College of Bismarck is a public liberal arts and sciences institution of 12,000 students, with MS degrees in Donut Eating and Coffee Drinking, and a commitment to excellence in fried food.

Information about the Bakery Department is available online .

Applicants should submit a curriculum vitae, their grandmother's secret donut recipe, copies of comedic musings on donuts, and three letters of reference from their local donut shop to:

Chair, Donut Genomics Search Committee

Department of Bakery

College of Bismarck

Bismarck, SE 36688

or (preferred) electronically to donuts@cofb.edu

Screening of applications will begin September 15 2009. The College of Bismarck is an Equal Opportunity/Affirmative Action Employer and encourages applications from women and minorities.

Bacon Maple Bar (With apologies to Yusuf Islam)

I’m looking for a bacon maple bar,
One that I can have all to myself,
And if I find my bacon maple bar,
I won’t need anything else, no, no, no.

I’m looking for a bacon maple bar,
One that will taste the very best,
And if I find my bacon maple bar
I know the rest of my life will be blessed -- yes, yes, yes.

I know a lot of fancy pastries,
Frostings that glide over your tongue,
They taste so smooth but have no answers.
When you think why’d you come here for?
I don’t know why?

I know many beautiful cakes
But their tastiness depends on how you do.
They know many sure fired ways
To find out the one who pays
And how you do.

I’m looking for a bacon maple bar,
One that will make me feel so good,
And if I find my bacon maple bar,
I know my life will be as it should -- yes, yes, yes.

I’m looking for a bacon maple bar,
One that will taste the very best,
And if I find my bacon maple bar...

Now, come find your dream donut at the Wednesday Donut Hour. Staff Lounge, 10:00.

-MLJ

Donuts at the Aquarium?

From the Truth and Rumors Department:

Current Oregon Coast Aquarium food service provider Local Oceans may soon have some really local competition. International Donut, America’s fourth-largest chain of donut shops is considering putting a branch in the aquarium. According to International Donut CEO Brian Aquarist, the fit would be perfect. “People come to the aquarium with their families, looking for a fun experience for the whole family. We think that donuts are the perfect addition. They’re a family-friendly, happy food.” Negotiations are currently underway.

We’ll have to wait and see if this rumor pans out…

In the meantime, come have a donut this morning in the staff lounge.

-MLJ

Darkness and Donuts

My intern is gone.

My girl went to Alaska in the company of another guy.

(For work. What were you thinking?)

The dog doesn't respect me, and the horses are bored with me.

The plumbing is broken.

If I owned a truck, it would break down.

All is darkness.

Oh, how I long for the sweet release of...donuts.

Through donuts, we can all be renewed for the tail end of the week. Donut lounge, 10:00.

-MLJ

Road Donut

I found a donut lying in the road the other day. Since no one was around, and since it looked unmarked, I picked it up (thinking I might eat it). As I held it in my hand, it spoke to me.
“I am a magic donut”, it said. “If you eat me, you will receive wealth and fame and power.”
I thought to myself, “that sounds pretty good, I’d eat a donut I found in the road for those benefits.”
Then it said, “but you may NEVER eat another donut, as long as you live, or the spell will be broken.”
That sounded like a difficult bargain to keep, but wealth and power sounded pretty good, so I ate the donut.
This morning, I found that someone had deposited $1300 in my bank account…

See you at donuts this morning. 10:00 in the donut lounge.

-MLJ

Donut Recipe

MLJ’s Secret Donut Recipe

Ingredients
Flour
Sugar
Shortening
Cream Filling
Oil

Combine ingredients in a bowl. Form into donut shape. Fry in the oil. Voila, donuts!

Or, since this recipe leads only to disaster, come have a donut with the HMSC community this morning at 10:00 in the donut lounge.

-MLJ

Psycho Donuts

What are these folks so upset about? They're just donuts that make light of mental illness...

Psycho Donuts - Fox News

Thanks to Melody Pfister for this one.