May 21, 2011: Judgement Day
The purpose of this tract is to inform you of the great urgency there now is in the world for each and every person to be reconciled to Donuts. Wednesday is the Day of Donuts! Donuts teach that on May 21st, 2011, only true believers who have eaten enough donuts to receive salvation will be raptured (taken up) out of this world to meet the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the air and forever be with the Noodly Lord. Everything I declare has the full authority of Donuts themselves. Now, at this time, information is coming forth from the Donuts which clearly reveals the Donuts’ plan for Judgment Day and the end of the world itself. The Donuts have opened up their secrets concerning the timeline of history. This information was never previously known because the Donuts had closed up the Donut Box of Knowledge, blocking any attempt to gain knowledge of the end of the world. We read about this in the book of Donuts:
Donuts 10:9 We are the door: by eating if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find a well stocked bakery.
The Donuts are very clear that Donuts are the only way into Valhalla. They are the only portal into the glorious kingdom of pastry:
Donuts 4:12 Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other baked good under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.
Come get yourself right with eternity this morning, 10:00, in the Donut Worship Center.
-MLJ
PS->Eternal salvation this week courtesy of Dave Sampson. Thanks, Dave!
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