Donut Greeting Cards

Front:

Roses are red

Donuts are brown

Inside:

Today is your birthday,

So let’s party down!

 

Front:

Have you ever noticed how life is like weekly donuts?

Inside:

It’s best enjoyed when we keep it fresh!

 

Front:

Romantic gestures are like donuts

Inside:

The sweetness is great, but it’s best to stop before you get nauseous.

 

Donuts this morning, don’t forget!

-MLJ

DO121 Final Exam

DO121 The Donut and Society

Final Exam

200 Points

 

On your own paper, please answer TWO of the following three questions.

 

1. In Albert Camus' "The Donut", the main character, Mersault, describes a typical Sunday as "Going to the donut shop, then the beach, then coming home to my room and to bed". Explain the significance of the donut shop, in light of Camus' existentialist philosophy.

 

2. Describe the three fundamental causes of the Donut War. Then, describe the roles of Generals Timothy Horton and Duncan D'onette in resolving those issues and bringing about a peaceful resolution to the conflict. Finally, describe the terms of the Horton Compromise.

 

3. In Portland Oregon, Voodoo Donut has taken on an increasingly important role in local politics. While urban voters have shown that they are comfortable with this development, suburban voters are more ambivalent. Describe, in terms of their political leanings, why these suburban voters are not ready to commit fully to the Voodoo Donut platform (hint: maple bar with bacon vs. erotic donut).

 

Good Luck!

-MLJ

Legendary Donut

Friends,

For years, I have pursued rumors and legends from around the world that speak of mystical donuts that grant marvelous powers. In the ancient libraries of Europe, and in the deep memories of jungle shamen, these threads wind throughout stories and lore. At first, I was tempted to ignore these tales, so often told, but the presence of the same themes in stories from around the world was unavoidable. I have now tracked the stories to a remote village in central Thailand, where it is said that they make a donut from mysterious local herbs and rice flour which grants unsurpassed strength and virility to anyone who consumes it. My proposal to you, my longtime supporters, is that I make the long and arduous journey to find this village and sample its powerful donuts. My organization, the Hatfield Student Organization of Donut Explorers, will be taking donations soon to finance the trip. We will have an informational meeting Wednesday at 10:00 to detail the mission and hand out samples of local donuts. These local donuts, while not granting the level of power of the Thai Mystery Donut, have been shown to increase one's sense of well being. We would dearly appreciate your presence at our informational meeting and your support of our mission. Thank you for your attention.

-MLJ

Donut Fellowship Application

February 24, 2009

Donut Conservation Fellowship
American Donut Society
5410 Cruller Lane
Bismarck, DO 36688

Dear Donut Fellowship Committee,

Please consider my application for a Donut Conservation Fellowship for my project “Identification of unbaked Donut samples for stock assessment”. I am currently in my last year as a PhD candidate in Dr. Michael Banks’ lab at Hatfield Marine Science Center. My research focuses on the use of genetic tools to illuminate basic science questions and address conservation needs of northeastern Pacific donuts. I currently have projects examining the genetic basis of donut selection in researchers and graduate students (in collaboration with JC Market), and using genetic techniques to identify unbaked donuts in BAKERY surveys (in collaboration with NMDS researchers).

I have applied for Donut funding specifically to help improve the latter project.  Two CIDS researchers and I have received funding from the Cooperative Institute for Donut Studies to identify 1000 samples from the 2008 BAKERY sampling season. Donut funding would allow me to broaden the temporal sampling in this study to cover three additional years of sampling (2005-2007), and provide information on year-to-year changes in donut abundance and distribution in Oregon bakeries. Because more than 90% of unbaked donuts cannot be identified to type visually, the availability of genetic identification tools means that where previously it was only possible to comment on donut abundances generally, the data provided by this project will allow us to draw specific linkages between individual types of donuts and time, latitude, and geography. The purpose of the BAKERY sampling is to improve stock assessment, by providing a fishery-independent survey of donut recruitment. This project has the potential to make that possibility a reality for donuts. Thank you for your consideration of my application.

-MLJ

(Donut) Would you rather?

Donut Nuts,

Maybe you’ve heard of this game. The premise is that you’re offered two options (generally unpleasant) and you’re required to choose between them. Here are a few you can think about:

1. Would you rather
A. put a squirrel down your pants for five minutes? B. put a donut down your pants and keep it there all day?

2. Would you rather
A. eat nothing but donuts for the rest of your life? B. Drink nothing but soda for the rest of your life?

3. Would you rather
A. say “donut” after every sentence? B. touch your nose every time anyone says “donut”?

4. Would you rather
A. have a donut tattoo? B. have a misspelled tattoo?

5. Would you rather
A. sing a song about donuts in front of your coworkers? B. do a donut-themed interpretive dance in front of your coworkers?

6. Would you rather
A. miss Wednesday donuts? B. miss a half hour of work?

-MLJ

PS->Don’t miss Wednesday donuts. Tomorrow. 10:00. 

Donut Horoscope

Aries - There may well be a new donut on the scene today, and while all the indications suggest that this could evolve into something more, one pesky influence advises a more cautious frame of mind on your part. Don’t leap in and don’t let your imagination run away with you. Hold back! 

Taurus - It may be Wednesday but the planets suggest a long, long overdue donut break. If you are due some kind of donut or coffee, then you should receive the first of it today. Some Taureans who may have missed last week’s donuts may well get that all-important second chance! 

Gemini - It’s a grand day, where yesterday’s annoyances are replaced with donuts. Old coffee should be dumped out. Disengaging yourself from a taxing problem and having a donut will lift a weight from your shoulders. Conversation over coffee may prove useful too! 

Cancer - Take coffee out of the equation today and you could be in for an interesting day. Fabulous pastry options may encourage a hasty reaction but you’ll also have the ability to rectify any mistakes too (by eating another).

Leo – Wednesday donuts is about to get interesting, more so because you won’t necessarily be in the driving seat. Coffee may well take on an unusual slant, while attached Lions could see a new side to their partner or relationship. You may end up feeling a sugar and caffeine rush. Perhaps you’re not quite ready for three donuts a week! 

Virgo - It’s a great day to act on previous decisions, revive old ideas and implement plans. Turn words into action: if you want a new health regime or if you want to cut out any unhealthy habits, then wait until tomorrow, because today it’s donuts. It’ll be even better if you can get one or two others to join you in coffee and conversation for some mutual support! 

Libra - Today’s planets should enable a pleasantly sociable day, but indirect influences suggest that if something is lingering at the back of your mind, most likely a work-based matter, then it may be wise to ignore it in favor of donuts. Allowing it to linger on will be fine, trust me! 

Scorpio - It’s a day to exercise some caution. You won’t be inclined to pause, think and consider. Being a little impulsive is great, but there’s a tendency to go overboard today. You could over indulge in those things that aren’t so good for you or you could just eat a bunch of donuts, your choice! 

Sagittarius - Planetary shifts boost communications today. Far from being blunt or a little clumsy, you’ll have a good sense of timing and sensitivity, which bodes well for donuts and coffee. For the attached Archer, a cozy donut meeting should round off Wednesday nicely! 

Capricorn - An ability to pick up other people’s donuts and coffee should make this day a lot easier. However, an overly hesitant or pessimistic approach to donuts could initially cause some minor friction. Don’t be too negative today; keep an open mind, or you could test someone’s patience too much! 

Aquarius - If, like a couple of other signs, you can ignore the gloomy overtones of one or two influences, then you can look forward to donuts today. A burst of charm and charisma will make you positively irresistible, which bodes well for coffee, whether you drink it with or without cream! 

Pisces - You should feel quite bolstered by coffee and donuts today. Whatever intuitive sense you may feel about an imminent change in the direction of your life should be pursued vigorously. There may be an unexpected donut on the tray that helps to prompt a major life choice! 

Whatever your star sign, be sure to come have a donut tomorrow at 10:00 in the staff lounge.

-MLJ

Man Versus Donut

Man vs. Donut Episode 1

In this episode of Man vs. Donut, Cliff “Bear Grylls” Ryer demonstrates how to survive in the semi-urban jungle of Newport, OR. In the first segment, Ryer explains how to navigate the local Safeway in search of donuts, using locally-found canned goods to mark a safe path to and from the bakery department. Next, Ryer shows the audience how to trap the “wild” JC Market donut using only a cardboard box and his bare hands. Finally, Ryer demonstrates a variety of methods for preparing fresh-caught donuts, including slicing into halves, slicing into quarters, and eating the donut whole.

Don’t miss it!

-MLJ 

PS->Hopefully, Cliff will be available to sign autographs at donut Wednesday tomorrow at 10:00. Be sure to come out and meet this local celebrity and survival expert (and eat a donut).