Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Donut Horoscope

Aries - There may well be a new donut on the scene today, and while all the indications suggest that this could evolve into something more, one pesky influence advises a more cautious frame of mind on your part. Don’t leap in and don’t let your imagination run away with you. Hold back! 

Taurus - It may be Wednesday but the planets suggest a long, long overdue donut break. If you are due some kind of donut or coffee, then you should receive the first of it today. Some Taureans who may have missed last week’s donuts may well get that all-important second chance! 

Gemini - It’s a grand day, where yesterday’s annoyances are replaced with donuts. Old coffee should be dumped out. Disengaging yourself from a taxing problem and having a donut will lift a weight from your shoulders. Conversation over coffee may prove useful too! 

Cancer - Take coffee out of the equation today and you could be in for an interesting day. Fabulous pastry options may encourage a hasty reaction but you’ll also have the ability to rectify any mistakes too (by eating another).

LeoWednesday donuts is about to get interesting, more so because you won’t necessarily be in the driving seat. Coffee may well take on an unusual slant, while attached Lions could see a new side to their partner or relationship. You may end up feeling a sugar and caffeine rush. Perhaps you’re not quite ready for three donuts a week! 

Virgo - It’s a great day to act on previous decisions, revive old ideas and implement plans. Turn words into action: if you want a new health regime or if you want to cut out any unhealthy habits, then wait until tomorrow, because today it’s donuts. It’ll be even better if you can get one or two others to join you in coffee and conversation for some mutual support! 

Libra - Today’s planets should enable a pleasantly sociable day, but indirect influences suggest that if something is lingering at the back of your mind, most likely a work-based matter, then it may be wise to ignore it in favor of donuts. Allowing it to linger on will be fine, trust me! 

Scorpio - It’s a day to exercise some caution. You won’t be inclined to pause, think and consider. Being a little impulsive is great, but there’s a tendency to go overboard today. You could over indulge in those things that aren’t so good for you or you could just eat a bunch of donuts, your choice! 

Sagittarius - Planetary shifts boost communications today. Far from being blunt or a little clumsy, you’ll have a good sense of timing and sensitivity, which bodes well for donuts and coffee. For the attached Archer, a cozy donut meeting should round off Wednesday nicely! 

Capricorn - An ability to pick up other people’s donuts and coffee should make this day a lot easier. However, an overly hesitant or pessimistic approach to donuts could initially cause some minor friction. Don’t be too negative today; keep an open mind, or you could test someone’s patience too much! 

Aquarius - If, like a couple of other signs, you can ignore the gloomy overtones of one or two influences, then you can look forward to donuts today. A burst of charm and charisma will make you positively irresistible, which bodes well for coffee, whether you drink it with or without cream! 

Pisces - You should feel quite bolstered by coffee and donuts today. Whatever intuitive sense you may feel about an imminent change in the direction of your life should be pursued vigorously. There may be an unexpected donut on the tray that helps to prompt a major life choice! 

Whatever your star sign, be sure to come have a donut tomorrow at 10:00 in the staff lounge.

-MLJ

Man Versus Donut

Man vs. Donut Episode 1

In this episode of Man vs. Donut, Cliff “Bear Grylls” Ryer demonstrates how to survive in the semi-urban jungle of Newport, OR. In the first segment, Ryer explains how to navigate the local Safeway in search of donuts, using locally-found canned goods to mark a safe path to and from the bakery department. Next, Ryer shows the audience how to trap the “wild” JC Market donut using only a cardboard box and his bare hands. Finally, Ryer demonstrates a variety of methods for preparing fresh-caught donuts, including slicing into halves, slicing into quarters, and eating the donut whole.

Don’t miss it!

-MLJ 

PS->Hopefully, Cliff will be available to sign autographs at donut Wednesday tomorrow at 10:00. Be sure to come out and meet this local celebrity and survival expert (and eat a donut).

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Actual Swedish Donut Phrases

So, it was only obvious to a very few of you, but the translations in last weeks emails were all fake.
I got several funny replies, from the few Swedish/Danish/Norwegian speakers in the group.

Tom Wainwright:
Sorry I missed today's event, even if Swedish donuts do require a chainsaw.  Do they really make Tuborg-flavored donuts in the old country?

Janet Lamberson:
Hej - I know a few words of Svenska!  That's not what you said!!
I'd like to see you enjoy a sill-donut (herring-donut) while riding on your häst (horse)

But my favorite (and the most unexpected) came from Sara Heimlich:
Gud hjälpe den som försöker att använda dessa fraser för att köpa munkar i Sverige.
(God help the person who tries to use these phrases to buy donuts in Sweden.)

Since I’ve never been shy about recycling a joke, here are the real translations:

Could you take the car and go buy some donuts?
Kan du ta pansarvagnen och gå ut och köpa en häst?
Should be: Kan du ta bilen och gå ut och köpa munkar? Says: Can you take the army tank and go buy a horse?

Yes, I can do that for you.
Ja, men först måste jag köpa motorsåg.
Should be: Ja, det kan jag göra. Says: Yeah, but first I have to buy a chainsaw.

What do you think of the donuts I made (bought)?
Vad tycker du om köttbullarna jag har gjort (köpt)?
Should be: Vad tycker du om munkarna jag har gjort (köpt)? Says: What do you think of the meatballs I made (bought)?

Thank you, they’re wonderful (terrible)!
Tack, dom smakar some stekt jord (råtgift)!
Should be: Tack, dom är underbara (fasansfulla)! Says: Thanks, they taste like fried dirt (rat poison)!

What kind of donut do you want?
Vilken sorts öl vill du ha? 
Should be: Vilken sorts munk vill du ha? Says: What kind of beer do you want? 

I’ll take one of those with chocolate sprinkles.
Jag tar helst en Tuborg.
Should be: Jag tar en sån med choklad på. Says: I’d prefer a Tuborg (Danish beer).

Would you like another donut?
Vill herr’n ha lite mera sill och potatis?
Should be: Vill du ha en munk till? Says: Would sir like a little more herring and potatoes?

No thanks, but I will take some more coffee.
Nej fan, vi tar os en snaps i stället!
Should be: Nej tack, men jag tar gärna lite kaffe till. Says: No. Hell, let’s just take a shot of aquavit instead! 

-MLJ

Svenska munk-sluknings fraser (Swedishdonut-eating phrases)

Hatfielders,

Since the Spanish-English donut email of last summer was pretty popular, I’ve decided to do the same thing for my own native language, Swedish. Here are a few choice phrases for the buying and enjoying of our favorite fried pastry. Be sure to use them the next time your travels take you to Scandinavia! And, don’t forget to come out to donuts tomorrow at 10:00!

 

Could you take the car and go buy some donuts?

Kan du ta pansarvagnen och gå ut och köpa en häst?

 

Yes, I can do that for you.

Ja, men först måste jag köpa motorsåg.

 

What do you think of the donuts I made (bought)?

Vad tycker du om köttbullarna jag har gjort (köpt)?

 

Thank you, they’re wonderful (terrible)!

Tack, dom smakar some stekt jord (råtgift)!

 

What kind of donut do you want?

Vilken sorts öl vill du ha?

 

I’ll take one of those with chocolate sprinkles.

Jag tar helst en Tuborg.

 

Would you like another donut?

Vill herr’n ha lite mera sill och potatis?

 

No thanks, but I will take some more coffee.

Nej fan, vi tar os en snaps i stället!

 

;-)

-MLJ

Chopper Chicks in Donuttown

Chopper Chicks In Donuttown is a 1991 comedy horror movie released by Rev J Films. The movie is about a group of motorcycle traveling women (Chopper Chicks) who stumble upon the town of Newport. An evil mortician played by Mattias Johansson kills local town people, and turns them into donuts so that he can sell them in his bakery.

The locals at first look down upon the chopper chicks as outcasts who don't belong in their small community, but eventually realize that they are the only ones who can save their town from the fattening donuts invading their town looking for more human victims.

The donuts escape from their secure display case in the bakery and attack the town, and the chopper chicks rescue the town people, blind school children and midgets. The final scene takes place in the local church, where the donuts pour in to fatten the chopper chicks and blind schoolchildren. After all donuts are packed in the church, the chopper chicks burn the place and save the day.

-MLJ

PS-> Not all donuts are evil. Come have a donut with the rest of the Hatfield village outcasts Wednesday @ 10:00.

Swedish Donuts

So, it’s time to fire up the gas fireplace in the donut lounge, gather around it, and enjoy some fellowship and fried pastry: DONUT WEDNESDAYS ARE BACK!!! As this is the first donut email of the year, I’ll be lazy and just recap my holiday vacation to Sweden for you. We ate a lot of food, and hung out with family while drinking Danish beer (which is superior to Swedish, according to Swedes). At one point, I ate a Swedish donut. The Swedish word for donut is “donut”. It was essentially like an America donut, except it had pickled herring on it. No, actually, it was EXACTLY IDENTICAL to a donut with granulated sugar on it. I was so proud of America when I found that little piece of our exported culture, I almost sang “The Star-Spangled Banner” in line at the café. Instead, I bought the donut and ate it. You were all in my thoughts.

-MLJ 

PS->Don’t miss the first Wednesday donuts of the year. Be in the donut lounge at 10:00.  

Last Donuts of the Year! Happy Holidays!

Donuteers,
A lot of us will be going to various parties in the next few weeks, this being a high season for get-togethers. To help ensure that you're able to chat with the beautiful men and handsome women at those parties, here are some ice-breakers you can use:

1. Are you a donut? ‘Cause you’re the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.

2. You make me melt like frosting on a donut.

3. Your eyes are as brown as the frosting on my donut.

4. Do you have any raisins? No, then how about a donut, I mean, a date?

5. Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you? No? What if I brought some donuts?

6. I hope you know CPR, because I’m choking on a donut.

7. Are you a cake decorator? When I saw you this donut became beautiful.

8. Do you have the time? (S/he gives you the time). No, the time to go out for a donut.

9. If this bar is a donut shop, you must be the cruller.

10. I’m like an apple fritter, I look bad, but I’m as sweet as can be.

11. Like the frosting on a donut, I want to cover you with love.

 

Have a great holiday!

-MLJ