The Donuteria

Last Donut Email

2011-09-28T11:28:00.003-07:00

Hatfielders,
We’ve had a good run. We’ve had some laughs, we’ve cried some tears, we’ve learned some very important lessons. But now it’s time to move on. The President has asked me to head up his Office of Pastry Affairs, and I don’t really feel I can refuse. Originally, I was just going to hang out in Newport and draw unemployment, but you know how it is. President Obama said he’d have Joe Biden punch me if I said no. So, this is my last donut email. I’m not sure who’ll be writing next week, but I’m sure donuts will live on. Thanks for all your support.
-MLJ

PS->TSUNAMI DONUTS. Be there or be square.
PPS->Donuts courtesy of Tim Lee and HMSC (Maryann Bozza).
PPPS->Mattias is great.

Rewriting Research Interests

2011-09-28T11:28:00.001-07:00

Hatfielders,
As many of you know, I’m currently looking around for my next career opportunity. As such, I’ve been updating my CV, and Research and Teaching Interest documents. I’ve gotten a bit stuck with my research interests, though. I think it’s good, but maybe you guys can help me make it better.

Mattias L. Johansson
Research Interests
My research interests focus on the application of genetic tools to fundamental questions in marine fisheries, ecology, and donuts. Mmm, donuts.

That’s all I’ve got. Any ideas?
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of a young man, possibly some kind of intern, whose name I do not know. If I get his name later, I’ll pass it along.

Donuts, of course.

2011-09-28T11:27:00.003-07:00

It's been twenty-three hours and six days
since you took the donuts away
I go out every night and sleep all day
since you took the donuts away
since they’ve been gone I can do whatever I want
I can eat whatever I choose
I can eat a pastry in a fancy restaurant
but nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues,

'cause nothing compares
nothing compares to donuts

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of real-life action man Chris Magel. Women want to be him, men want to be with him, and today, the donuts come courtesy of him. Thanks, Chris!

Hatfield needs a new Donut Coordinator!

2011-09-28T11:27:00.001-07:00

Hatfielders,
I’m here by putting out the call for Hatfield’s next Donut Coordinator. My job wraps up September 30, so I will soon be pursuing new opportunities elsewhere (where that might be, who knows?). So, there’s a need for someone new to make sure Wednesday Donuts continues to function as a community event. The duties are easy, and flexible. The only thing you have to do is make sure donuts get bought every week. Ideally, you’d also write a weekly email, but I think the event would survive without that (even though the emails are popular). I started the job as a student and continued as a Postdoc, so it’s probably open to pretty much anyone. Let me know if you’re interested (potentially through the medium of the hilarious email).
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of the Heppell Lab. Thanks, Scott, Selina, and the gang! You guys are great.
PPS->My preferred job option fell through, so I’m still open to additional options. If you hear of anything cool, let me know. More choices=better.

Sometimes the donut emails write themselves...

2011-09-28T11:26:00.003-07:00

Greek police smash violent doughnut ring
THESSALONIKI, Greece (AP) — It took an undercover operation, but Greek police have blown a hole in a ring of alleged crooks who had cornered the doughnut market in a beach resort.
It started with complaints that two Bulgarian men and a former Greek wrestling champion were using violence to choke off the trade by other doughnut vendors on Paliouri beach in the Halkidiki peninsula near Thessaloniki.
So an undercover officer posed as a doughnut seller, police said Tuesday, and he was attacked, leading to the arrest of the three aggressive doughnut sellers.
As a result, they have been charged with blackmail and fraud. They also were charged with food safety violations after police found they had stashed their product in an abandoned hotel that was open to the elements and used by bathers as a toilet.
-MLJ

PS->Thanks to Bill Chadwick for the link to this story, and thanks to SeaGrant for this week’s donuts! The Heppell Lab is still on deck, but feel free to pick up the wand if you haven’t bought in a while…

Donut Meeting Agenda

2011-09-28T11:26:00.001-07:00

Agenda for Donut Meeting, 8/24/11
1. Eat Donuts
2. Drink Coffee
3. Talk about Stuff (If there’s time)
4. Adjourn Meeting

-MLJ

->Donuts this week courtesy of Michael Banks, with the Heppell Lab on deck for next week. If you haven’t bought in a while, think about grabbing the wand.

Donut Chamber Events

2011-09-28T11:25:00.003-07:00

August 17, 2011
Please be reminded...
*Business After Hours
JC Market will host the August 18th Donuts After Hours. Chamber members and guests are invited to scrounge leftover donuts from the dumpster behind JC Market from 5:15 to 7pm.

*Chamber Bruncheon
The August 17th Donut Bruncheon will be held at the Hatfield Marine Science Center. Please join us for our weekly 10am Wednesday Feast.

We hope to see you at both events!

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of MLJ, unless Maryann B. wants to chip in.

Postdoctoral Position in Donuts and Evolution

2011-09-28T11:25:00.001-07:00

Dear Donut Enthusiast,

Thank you for your application for the Postdoctoral Research Associate position in Donuts and Evolution with the Center for Baked Goods at Oregon State University.
I regret to inform you that the committee has decided not to fill the advertised position and will be reevaluating the actual needs of the research program (we spent all the money at Voodoo Donuts).
Thank you again for your time and interest in the Center for Baked Goods. On behalf of the search committee, we very much appreciate your interest in employment at Oregon State University and wish you the best of luck in your job search.

CENTER FOR BAKED GOODS

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Itchung Cheung. Thanks, Itchung!

Nice to meet you

2011-09-28T11:24:00.001-07:00

Nice to meet you

How are you today? I hope you are in good health , I decided to drop you few lines just to

say hello!! because i am looking for a good and lasting relationship with someone who will understands the needs for donuts and coffee, think about it and get back to me so that i can send you some pastry recipes and also tell you more about me. Thanks and may your day be a blessed as am waiting for your soonest response for further communication.
Yours Friend
Mister Mattias

PS->Donuts this week by a Mysterious Stranger.

Almost time for a donut reunion!

2011-07-21T16:04:00.003-07:00

Wednesday at 11:00 is hard. At that point you’re the furthest from donuts that you’ll be all week. But the caffeine and sugar are still with you, so you soldier on. Thursday has seminar, with cookies, so that helps, and Friday is the gateway to the weekend, so your thoughts can be on something else. On the weekend, you’re distracted by your busy life: hiking, friends, working in the garden; before you know it, you’re through to Monday. Monday might be the hardest of all. Nothing to distract you but trying to get back in the rhythm of work. Tuesday? The less said about Tuesday, the better. And then it’s Wednesday again, and the clock ticks toward 10:00, and you’re about to see your friends, and get a caffeine rush and a sugar high, and all is well. Happy Wednesday, Hatfield. See you at 10:00.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Harrison Baker. Thanks, Harrison!

Lab Work vs. Donuts

2011-07-21T16:04:00.001-07:00

Hatfieldians,
Just wanted to inform you guys that, although this is Donut Wednesday, I’d much rather be doing lab work. There’s nothing better than pipetting. Delicious donuts, enjoyed in the company of great people, pales in comparison. Mmm, pipetting.
-MLJ

PS->Enjoy an extra donut on my behalf. I don’t know who bought this week, but thanks, Mysterious Benefactor!

Truth from the Mouth of Parade

2011-07-21T16:03:00.000-07:00

-MLJ

PS-> Donuts this week courtesy of Fred Allendorf. Thanks, Fred!

Donuts of Our Lives

2011-07-21T16:01:00.003-07:00

In this week’s episode, Dr. Johansson’s intern, Liz, learns the value of collaboration when she receives a mysterious treasure map from a grizzled old fish ecologist at Wednesday Donuts. Following the map leads her to discover the truth about her mentor, and into grave danger. At the same time, Dr. Banks gets amnesia when he is hit in the head with a flying maple bar. As a result, he forgets to submit an important proposal. Will he recover his memory in time to submit by the target date? Tune in to find out. Wednesday, 10:00.
-MLJ

Back on the Donuts

2011-07-21T16:01:00.001-07:00

Hatfielders,
I know how much you all enjoyed last week’s Markham Symposium and all the great research our graduate students are doing. Sadly, there just aren’t enough students to do that every week. So, we’re back on the Donuts this week. I hope you’re not too disappointed. If you’re sad, donuts make a good pick-me-up, anyway. See you there!
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of the HMSC-Corvallis Vanpool, to thank HMSC for all our support. Thanks, Vanpoolers!

NODonut Wednesday

2011-07-21T16:00:00.001-07:00

Donut Friends,
Tomorrow is a very special day. Special, because there will be no donuts on Wednesday. Sad, I know, but it’s for a good cause. Tomorrow is the annual Markham Symposium, where we will all be fed to satiety at the feast of knowledge presented by our many fine graduate students and scholarship winners. There will also be refreshments to feed your tummy, at 11:00. Come out, enjoy some great presentations and posters, and have a snack before lunch. Awesome. Donuts will be back next week, at the usual time.
-MLJ

PS->Anyone have a craving to buy donuts next week?

Another damp Wednesday

2011-06-08T09:51:00.001-07:00

Hatfielders,
Hopefully you got a chance to be outside on Saturday, because after that bright taste of summer, it looks like the weather has returned to form the last couple of days. Luckily, it turns out that a great cure for Oregon affective disorder (OAD) is donuts and good company. Come out and lament the crap weather with all of your friends over a donut and hot bev.
-MLJ
PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of your secret admirer. Me.

Interesting Donut Science Courses

2011-06-01T08:15:00.001-07:00

DS 432 PLANNING BAKERY PROJECTS (2)
Helps donut and other bakery students understand various donut concepts, systems and technologies and practices worldwide. Lays the groundwork for students to identify different fillings, characterize flavorings and plan sustainable frying systems. Class activities examine how biological, economic and social factors influence donut recipes. PREREQS: DS 341 and /or equivalent course in food science.

DS 439 HUMAN DIMENSIONS OF DONUT WEDNESDAY (3)
Students will build an understanding and appreciation for the role of human dimensions in Donut Wednesday. They will work both independently and in groups to identify collective solutions to efficiently organize a weekly donut meeting. CROSSLISTED as FS 439 PREREQS: Principles of baked goods and introductory frostings.

DS 453 CALORIE MANAGEMENT AND DONUT CONSERVATION (3)
The ecology and conservation of biologists at Donut Wednesday, the influences of donut availability on scientists and their habitats, and management of donuts to achieve fundraising objectives. Field trips required. CROSSLISTED as FS 453. PREREQS: DS 240* or DS 341* or equivalent course in food science.

-MLJ

PS->Don’t know who picked up the wand this week. Thanks for stepping up, mystery buyer!

Celebrate the world not ending at Donuts!

2011-05-25T09:33:00.001-07:00

True Donut Believers,
Since I’m writing this, it’s obvious we didn’t all get destroyed in a maple-flavored cataclysm on Saturday. Although I had complete faith in my prediction, it appears that I was wrong. On investigation, it turned out that several pages of my cookbook were stuck together with frosting, and so were not included in the calculation. So, my math was perfect, but incomplete. Based on a back-of-the-envelope calculation with all pages included, I now believe that the world will end in a wave of frosting on October 21, 2011. So, it still won’t be long until we’re gathering for donuts in the next world. In the meantime, I apologize if any of you sold all your possessions, but at least you have your faith to preserve you. Well, that and Wednesday Donuts. See you there.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning come courtesy of Marion Mann. Thanks, Marion!

Last Donuts Before Judgement Day

2011-05-18T08:29:00.001-07:00

May 21, 2011: Judgement Day

The purpose of this tract is to inform you of the great urgency there now is in the world for each and every person to be reconciled to Donuts. Wednesday is the Day of Donuts! Donuts teach that on May 21st, 2011, only true believers who have eaten enough donuts to receive salvation will be raptured (taken up) out of this world to meet the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the air and forever be with the Noodly Lord. Everything I declare has the full authority of Donuts themselves. Now, at this time, information is coming forth from the Donuts which clearly reveals the Donuts’ plan for Judgment Day and the end of the world itself. The Donuts have opened up their secrets concerning the timeline of history. This information was never previously known because the Donuts had closed up the Donut Box of Knowledge, blocking any attempt to gain knowledge of the end of the world. We read about this in the book of Donuts:
Donuts 10:9 We are the door: by eating if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find a well stocked bakery.
The Donuts are very clear that Donuts are the only way into Valhalla. They are the only portal into the glorious kingdom of pastry:
Donuts 4:12 Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other baked good under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

Come get yourself right with eternity this morning, 10:00, in the Donut Worship Center.
-MLJ

PS->Eternal salvation this week courtesy of Dave Sampson. Thanks, Dave!

George Boehlert Birthday Donuts!!!

2011-05-13T10:49:00.003-07:00

Hatfielders,
Today is a very special day, because today George Boehlert turns [redacted] years old! Imagine: in his lifetime, George has witnessed [redacted], [redacted], and the election of the first African-American president. In the middle ages, a man of George’s years would have been considered ancient and wise (as opposed to our modern opinion: handsome and wise). Come celebrate George’s special day at donuts. There will be one donut for every year of George’s life. So, as you can imagine, we will need help consuming them all.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Candace Rogers, in honor of George’s special day. Thanks, Candace!

Genetics! and Donuts

2011-05-13T10:49:00.001-07:00

I’m genetixing my brains out, so will be forced to miss donuts this morning. Damn it.
Enjoy a donut for me, though. I’ll be crying in my master mix.
-MLJ

PS->Don’t know who’s buying, but thanks!

Dunkin Donuts

2011-05-13T10:48:00.001-07:00

He first saw her through the window of the Dunkin Donuts on Jamison Street. She was pleasantly rounded. Not quite donut shaped, not quite woman shaped, but like a friendly compromise between the two. It was a shape that he could work with. He knew he had to have her.

“Hey, Chief. You got a minute?”
“Yeah, what’s up, Carlos?”
“They found another one, up in Smith Canyon.”
“Same M.O.?”
“Yeah. Heavyset. Hole right through the middle.”
“Right.”
“What’s this guy’s deal, Chief? I mean, what’s he trying to say?”
“I don’t know. Maybe he likes donuts. I really don’t know.”
“Maybe he thinks we like donuts. What the f***.”
“Let me know what the evidence team turns up.”
“Will do.”
-MLJ

PS->Don’t know who’s buying this week, but thanks, Mysterious Benefactor!

Mmm. Delicious donuts.

2011-04-20T09:40:00.001-07:00

This is the best kind of week. The weather is finally cooperating, lab work is going well, and the donut blog has earned $2.61 in only 3 short years. The beauty part? It’s Wednesday, nearing 10:00am. That means donuts. So, even though the week is going well so far, it’s about to get much better. For a little while, at least. You should make your week better by coming to donuts this morning, too. It’ll make you happier, I promise.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ralph Breitenstein. Thanks, Ralph!

NDF Workshop - Missing Donuts

2011-04-12T17:12:00.001-07:00

Hatfielders,
I’m sad to report that I’ll be missing donuts tomorrow, since I’ll be at a National Donut Foundation workshop on getting free donuts in a competitive funding environment. I’ve looked over the workshop schedule, and there really seem to be some good ideas being presented. Some things we might be able to use to support donuts if the generosity of Hatfielders dries up:
1. Donut Theft: Local Statutes, Felony Limits, and Navigating the Criminal Justice System
2. Bakery Dumpsters: Are Day-Old Donuts Really That Bad?
3. Conning the Elderly: Overcoming Your Moral Reservations to Score Free Pastry
4. Construction Sites: Is a Hardhat Your Ticket to Safety-Meeting Donuts?
I’ll let you know how the workshop went when we reconvene next week.
-MLJ
PS->Someone grabbed the donut wand right away last week, but I never found out who it was. Thanks, Mysterious Benefactor!

Come to donuts

2011-04-12T17:11:00.001-07:00

Is your life hectic?
Too much to do, and too little time to do it?
Are you constantly on conference calls?
Trying to write papers and proposals?
Are you incessantly being interrupted by students/colleagues/your advisor?
Feel like you are nearing the end of your rope?

Why not:
Shirk all your responsibilities and come to donuts?
It won’t solve any of your problems, but a donut and coffee would sure taste good.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Maryann Bozza and HMSC. Thanks, Maryann!

It's Wednesday Donut Time!

2011-03-30T09:27:00.001-07:00

Bismarck Bob: Say kids, what time is it?
Kids: It's Wednesday Donut Time!

It's Wednesday Donut Time.
It's Wednesday Donut Time.
Maple frost and coffee, too.
Say Howdy Do to you.
Let's give a rousing cheer,
Cause Wednesday Donuts are here,
It's time to start the show,
So kids let's go!
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Bill Hanshumaker. Thanks, Bill!

Donut Break

2011-03-23T11:00:00.001-07:00

It’s spring break for grade school and college students, which means that kids everywhere are sleeping in, watching TV, and possibly getting drunk (if they’re old enough). For us working stiffs, though, there can be NO break. We need to produce important science, and science waits for no man. We need to grind out science until our fingers are worn to the bone. Our only refuge? Donuts. Don’t miss your mandatory weekly break today at 10:00.
-MLJ

PS->I bought donuts today. Hooray! It would be delightful if someone else would step up for next week.

Chilean Donuts

2011-03-16T12:38:00.001-07:00

Hatfieldians,
Unfortunately, I'm away at a conference and will be missing donuts tomorrow. I was initially concerned, but as you can see from the attached picture, taken in the Santiago airport, Chile is a civilized country. So, you don't need to worry about me. Enjoy donuts for me. I'll see you all next week.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ric Brodeur. Thanks, Ric!

Additional Donut Health Benefits

2011-03-09T09:26:00.000-08:00

Donut obviously have some (minor) drawbacks, such as having a few extra calories, and usually only coming in maple OR chocolate, but they also have a number of health benefits. For example:
1. Donuts cure blindness.
2. Donuts make you more famine resistant.
3. Donuts make you a better swimmer.
4. Donuts instantly heal all wounds.
5. Donuts absorb poison from snake and spider bites.
6. Donuts increase your physical stamina.
7. Donuts improve muscle tone.
8. Donuts give you the ability to command animals (particularly fruit bats).
9. Donuts allow you to absorb power from your enemies.
10. Donuts give you night vision or sonar, your choice.
Now, come enjoy some of the benefits of donuts this morning at 10:00.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Kathleen O’Malley. Thanks, Kathleen!

Donuts and Planarians

2011-03-02T15:54:00.001-08:00

So, I was just chatting with Randy Walker in the Staff Lounge, and he reminded me that donuts, like planarians, are capable of regenerating when cut in half. The gist of his argument was that if we cut all our donuts in half, and then were patient, we’d get a lot more donuts. While this in undoubtedly true, I have to point out that donut overpopulation is a significant problem worldwide. To put it in starker terms, donuts are vermin, and should be exterminated. Do your part and help solve the problem this morning at 10:00.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning come courtesy of Susan Gilmont. Thanks, Susan!

Donuts and Exercise

2011-03-01T15:49:00.004-08:00

Donut Friends,
You all know that donuts are part of a balanced diet, but I am going to tell you that it is also important that you exercise to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I am an avid exerciser, as some of you know. Already this morning, I have burned SEVERAL calories. For example, after I woke up, I climbed out of bed and walked to the shower (7 calories). As I got into the shower, I closed the shower door (1 calorie). I soaped up (4 calories), rinsed (2 calories), and toweled off (5 calories). After my shower, I got dressed (8 calories) and brushed my teeth (2 calories). I picked up my cat, Bunny (4 calories) and scratched under her chin (1 calorie). Then I drove to work (10 calories). Even typing this email is exercise (2 calories). Thankfully, I’ll be able to replenish all the energy I’ve expended at donuts this morning at 10:00. You too can have an active lifestyle, if you take credit for all the stuff you’re doing anyway. See you at donuts!
-MLJ
PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Kim Jacobson. Thanks, Kim!

Best Donuts

2011-03-01T15:49:00.003-08:00

The best thing about the week is Wednesday
The best thing about Wednesday is donuts
The best thing about donuts is sometimes they’re not
-MLJ

PS->Sweet treats supplied by Mark Camara and Anjanette Baker. Thanks, Mark and Anjanette!

Book of Donut Questions

2011-03-01T15:49:00.001-08:00

If someone offered you $10000 to eat nothing but donuts for one month, would you do it?

If you had to choose between having coffee and two donuts or orange juice and plain oatmeal for breakfast every morning for the rest of your life, which would you pick?

Someone offers you the following challenge: If you eat nothing but donuts for the rest of your life, no one in your town will get cancer. Would you take on the challenge? What if your sacrifice prevented every disease? If you stumble even once, every person you’ve saved would instantly die.

Stuff to ponder while munching donuts this morning.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Candace Rogers. She didn’t want to see your tears, since no one else stepped up. Thanks, Candace!

Climate Change and Donuts

2011-03-01T15:48:00.004-08:00

As many of you may know, there’s a meeting going on in the auditorium on the topic of climate change (or some other junk). The problem? Their break overlaps with the end of donuts. Initially, I was annoyed at this, but now I see an opportunity. You see, while they might be able to scavenge a few leftover donuts, we’ll be well-positioned to enjoy donuts and their snacks as well. (Seriously, though, don’t steal their food.) Here are some tips for jumping on the climate change snack wagon:
1. They wear nametags. You should get a paper nametag and apply it to yourself before donuts.
2. Keep some handy phrases about climate change (or whatever they’re meeting about) available. Some possibilities: “You know what I hate? Climate change.”, “It just breaks my heart to think about all those Sherpas losing their jobs due to sea level rise.”, “What’s up with the IPCC? What a bunch of scrubs (geniuses).”
3. Fast hands, deep pockets. While you’re dazzling them with your array of knowledge about climate change, you need to be scavenging as fast as you can. Just load up your pockets for later. Don’t worry about what you’re getting.
Good luck!
-MLJ

PS->Don’t know who’s buying this week. Thanks, buyer.
PPS->Seriously, don’t steal their food. ;-)

Donuts

2011-03-01T15:48:00.003-08:00

Did you know that only good people eat donuts. Bad people don’t like them.
Also, donuts are part of a healthy, balanced diet. Moderation is key.
Also, donuts taste good.
Also, they’ll make you better looking, fitter, and may grant wishes.
Also, if you miss donuts, your family will stop loving you.
Also, that’s probably about it, really.
Come to donuts.
-MLJ
PS->The donut wand disappeared from the Staff Lounge, so I assume someone is buying. If you want credit, let me know who you are. Otherwise, thanks, Mysterious Benefactor.

Lust for Donuts

2011-03-01T15:48:00.001-08:00

Here comes Johnny Yen again
With the crullers and donuts
And the sugar and cream
He's gonna make some more coffee
Hey man where'd you get
That bismarck? I been hurting
Since I bought the gimmick
About something called diet
Yeah something called diet
That's like hypnotizing chickens
Well I am just a modern guy
Of course I've had it on Wednesday before

'Cause of a lust for donuts
'Cause of a lust for donuts

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of a generous individual who wishes to remain anonymous. Thanks, Anonymous Friend!

Donut Seminar

2011-03-01T15:46:00.002-08:00

Hatfielders,
Dr Fred Allendorf, Lavern Weber Visiting Scientist, will be presenting a special seminar this morning at 10:15 in the Library Seminar Room. Entitled “My Favorite Donuts: A famous population geneticist’s perspective”, it promises to be a fascinating discussion. I encourage you all to attend. Also, there will be donuts there, so you won’t have to miss out on that. If you can’t dedicate the whole hour, there will also be a selection of donuts in the usual place, at the usual time (although, rumor has it, these will be the donuts that Dr. Allendorf does not prefer).
-MLJ

PS->The Director’s Office is picking up the tab for donuts this week, on account of the special seminar. Thanks, George and Candace!

Good Alternative to Donuts

2011-03-01T15:46:00.001-08:00

Now, you know that I’m usually a very strong advocate for attending donuts at all costs. This morning, however, I’m going to encourage you to swing by donuts on your way to Angie Sremba’s Thesis defense (in the Library Seminar Room), instead. The reason for this, if you must know, is that I suspect that Angie may, in fact, have BETTER SNACKS. She’s apparently going to give some kind of speech, or something, too. But don’t worry, if you can’t commit a whole hour, donuts will still be in the usual place, at the usual time.
-MLJ

PS->For the third week in a row, I don’t know who’s buying donuts. So thanks, Awesome Donut Buyer.

Snuggle Bunny and the Delightful Catastrophe

2011-03-01T15:45:00.001-08:00

One day, Snuggle Bunny was rummaging through her grandfather Crotchety Bunny’s attic. Just for something to do, you know? Mostly, it was full of old newspapers and musty trunks full of unfashionable fashions, and about fifty croquet sets. But, in one dark corner, behind a curtain, under a sheet, and buried under fifty years worth of newsprint, was an INTERESTING BOX. On the side of the box it said, “Magical Donut Machine.” There were pictures, too. Pictures of donuts. All kinds of donuts. Glazed, frosted, old fashioned, with sprinkles, and without. Snuggle Bunny decided that this was a good find, and took it downstairs. Crotchety Bunny was sleeping in his comfy chair by the fire, so Snuggle Bunny decided not to disturb him. Instead, she took the box home and up to her room. Luckily, since her mom and dad were at work, there were no unnecessary explanations to be made. Bunny put the box on the floor in the middle of the room. She opened the box and took out the donut machine. It was silver, and looked brand new. On the front, it had two lighted buttons, marked “Go” and “Stop”. It also had a knob, with a pointer, and three settings: “Small”, “Medium”, and “Larger”. Snuggle Bunny decided to start with the “Small” setting. She pushed the “Go” button, and the machine began to hum. A donut began to be extruded from the nozzle. It looked like it was inflating like a balloon, actually. In a moment, the machine dropped a perfect miniature donut on the rack at the bottom of the machine. Chocolate. The next one came out with sprinkles. The third one, maple. Snuggle Bunny pressed the “Stop” button, and the machine went quiet. She ate one of the miniature donuts, thought for a moment. Then she switched the knob to “Medium” and pressed “Go”. Now, the donuts came out normal sized. First, an old fashioned. Then, a maple bar. Bunny pressed “Stop”. The machine stopped. Snuggle Bunny ate another miniature donut and wondered to herself: “Why does it say Larger? It should say ‘Large’.” Obviously, it would all become clear through use of the machine, so Snuggle Bunny switched the knob to “Larger” and pressed “Go”. This time, the lights behind the “Go” and “Stop” buttons went dark. Otherwise, the machine worked just like before. A donut immediately began forming, and eventually another miniature donut dropped to the rack. “Why is it miniature?”, thought Bunny. But the question was soon answered, because the next donut was “Larger” and came out normal sized. The one after that was an apple fritter the size of an apple pie. Snuggle Bunny pressed the “Stop” button. Nothing happened. Another donut was already being made. It was the size of a trash can lid. The next one, the size of Snuggle Bunny’s bed. Snuggle Bunny struggled over the giant donut and tried pressing the “Stop” button again, with no effect. Then she thought, “Maybe I can just unplug the machine?” But, there was no cord. The machine just came on by itself. The next donut forced Snuggle Bunny to flee the room. She went downstairs. She could still hear the machine working up in her room, and the house was beginning to creak. Snuggle Bunny went outside. As she stood on the sidewalk, her father and mother drove into the driveway. Her mother asked, “What are you doing home, Bunny?” Her father asked, “Why aren’t you at your grandfather’s house?” Just then, there was a horrendous crash and crunch, bang and smash from the house. Bunny’s parents turned to look, and saw the roof lifting off the house, carried by a giant donut. Then, the whole house collapsed. Bunny’s parents turned back to look at Bunny. “What have you done?” “You’ve destroyed our house.” “I was making donuts with a machine I found, and it got out of hand,” was all Bunny could offer in reply. She held up the last miniature donut. Her father took it from her, looked at it, and put it in his mouth. His mouth began to curve into a smile. Then he said, “As long as we have all these amazing donuts, why don’t you girls invite the neighbors over for a donut party and I’ll call my insurance agent.”
The End.
-MLJ

PS->I don’t know who grabbed the wand, so Thank You, Mysterious Stranger.

The Great Donut

2011-03-01T15:39:00.002-08:00

According to Swedish tradition, the Great Donut (den Goda Pajen) visits all the world's donut shops on the last Wednesday of Advent (Munk Onsdagen), blessing a handful of donuts at each location. These blessed donuts are said to give the consumer special benefits throughout the year. Traditional blessings are associated with baked goods. For example, "you will marry a girl who owns a deep fryer (flottflickan)" or "the village baker adopts you as a daughter (brödadoptering)". More modern blessings can be more varied. For example, "you gain the power to transform into a salmon at will (fiskeriutbrot)" or "you gain the ability to come up with really cool rock band names on demand (gitarr hjälte)".
Since most people are probably gone for the holiday already, those few of us who are left have an excellent chance to score one of these special donuts. Don't miss Donut Wednesday on such a special day!
-MLJ

PS->I don't know who grabbed the wand. Hopefully someone did. Thanks!

Ring of Pastry

2011-03-01T15:39:00.001-08:00

Oil Is A Burning Thing
But It Makes The Pastry Ring
Bound By Forces I Don’t Know
I Fell Into A Frosted Ring Of Dough

CHORUS:
I Fell Into A Frosted Ring of Dough
I Went Down, Down, Down
And My Blood Sugar Went Higher

And It Calls to Me Still
The Ring Of Pastry
The Ring Of Pastry

The Taste Of Love Is Sweet
When Mouth and Donut Meet
I Fell For Donuts Like A Child
Oh, But The Insulin Went Wild

CHORUS:
I Fell Into A Frosted Ring of Dough
I Went Down, Down, Down
And My Blood Sugar Went Higher

And It Calls to Me Still
The Ring Of Pastry
The Ring Of Pastry

Oil Is A Burning Thing
But It Makes The Pastry Ring
Bound By Forces I Don’t Know
I Fell Into A Frosted Ring Of Dough

I Fell Into A Frosted Ring Of Dough
I Went Down(down), Down(down), Down(down)
And My Blood Sugar Went Higher Higher Higher

I Fell Into A Frosted Ring Of Dough
I Went Down(down), Down(down), Down(down)
And My Blood Sugar Went Higher Higher Higher

And It’s Sweet
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Maryann Bozza. Thanks for batting cleanup, Maryann!

Cruller Education Really Matters

2011-03-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

The Cruller Education Really Matters (CERM) foundation is sponsoring a donut tasting this morning at 10:00, in the Staff Lounge. We will have coffee, and possibly some fruit to cleanse your palates, along with a variety of delicious donuts. Donuts this year cover a wide range of types, from the old fashioned, through filled varieties, to classic raised varieties. Coincidentally, the other CERM is also having a poster session in the hallway outside. Come check them both out.
-MLJ
PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of HMSC and the REAL CERM. Awesome.

Sea of Donuts

2011-03-01T15:37:00.002-08:00

Join Us
For
Sea of Donuts – Today at 10:00am

Surround yourself with the Spirit of Donuts at the
150th (or so) weekly Sea of Donuts

Enjoy Donuts, the Company of Other People, and Coffee (or Tea)!

Admission Prices: By Donation.

-MLJ

PS->Londi Tomaro supplied our donut fix for the week. Thanks, Londi!

Come to Donuts!

2011-03-01T15:37:00.001-08:00

Well, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire in the staff lounge is delightful. And since some of us have to be at work anyway, Come to Donuts! Come to Donuts! Come to Donuts!
It’ll be a wonderful way to spend part of the last work day before Thanksgiving. Trust me.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts tomorrow come courtesy of Caitlin White. Thanks, Caitlin!

18 Year Donut Anniversary

2011-03-01T15:35:00.002-08:00

Hatfielders,
It’s hard to believe, but today is my 18-year anniversary writing the donut emails for Hatfield. Amazing. I remember back at the beginning, when I was just stealing all my ideas from DonutPoetry.com. What a crazy, hedonistic time that was. I don’t think I came to work a single day without being high as a kite on sugar and life in those years. But, we all mature. These days, I steal all my ideas from DonutComedy.com and I make sure I eat at least two pieces of fruit every month, whether I feel like it or not. Ah, memories. In honor of my anniversary, come out to the staff lounge for a donut and a reminisce at 10:00.
-MLJ
PS->Donuts this week come courtesy of Cheryl Horton. Thanks, Cheryl!

Donuthalla

2011-03-01T15:35:00.001-08:00

In Scandinavian mythology, Donuthalla (anglicized from Old Norse Dönüthǫllr "hall of the donut") is a majestic, enormous hall located in Hatgard, ruled over by the god Mattias. Chosen by Mattias, half of those that die as scientists travel to Donuthalla upon death, led by a trail of donuts, while the other half go to the god Loki’s bike shop, Bïkevangr.
In Donuthalla, the dead join the masses of those who have died as scientists, known as Döda Forskare, as well as various legendary Germanic bakers and kings, as they prepare to aid Odin during the events of The Great Heavenly Science Fair and Bake-off. Before the hall stands the golden donut Dönüt, and the hall's ceiling is thatched with golden bear claws.
Donuthalla is attested in the Poetic Donut, compiled in the 13th century from earlier traditional sources, the Prose Donut, written in the 13th century by Snurrig Bakelse, in Princesstårtan, och Andra Delikatesser, also written in the 13th century by Snurrig Bakelse, and in stanzas of an anonymous 10th century poem commemorating the death of a Dr. Eric Krillforskare known as Eiríksmunk as compiled in Sagor om Munkar. Donuthalla has inspired various works of art, publication titles, popular culture references, and has become a term synonymous with a scientific (or otherwise) hall of the chosen dead.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ric Brodeur. Thanks, Ric!

Donut BASIC

2011-03-01T15:34:00.001-08:00

Since I’ve been having to look for “volunteers” to buy donuts on a lot of recent Tuesdays, I’ve decided to simplify the task slightly by automating it. I’ve therefore written the following program in BASIC, which will perform the task for me. I haven’t quite figured out how to package it as a computer virus, but when I do, you’ll know. ;-) In the meantime, you’ll just have to install it on your Apple II GS or Commodore 128 yourself. Thanks! And, don’t forget to come to donuts tomorrow at 10:00.

10 INPUT “What is your name? “, U$
20 PRINT “Hello “; U$
30 INPUT “Would you like to buy donuts this week? “ A$
40 IF A$ = “Y” OR A$ = “y” THEN GOTO 70 ELSE GOTO 50
50 PRINT “If you do I’ll be your best friend forever ” U$
60 GOTO 30
70 PRINT “Thanks “; U$
80 PRINT “You rock!”
90 END

-MLJ

PS->Donuts are courtesy of Dann Cutter this week. Thanks, Dann!

Donuts?

2011-03-01T15:33:00.003-08:00

It’s the happiest day of the week! Donut Day!
If you have any love in your heart,
Or if you have a soul in your body,
you’ll come out and have a donut.
If you’re not there, we won’t be friends any more.
-MLJ
PS->Donuts this week by Becca Schiewe. Thanks, Becca!

Donut

2011-03-01T15:33:00.001-08:00

Donut
Shape symbolizing eternity
No end, and no beginning
Your sweetness reminds
Of the best moments in life
Your softness
Like a loved one’s hug
It’s no surprise
That you are the beloved
Of everyone
Donut

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Anita McCulloch. Thanks, Anita!

Alice in Doughnutland

2010-10-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

Alice's Adventures in Doughnutland (commonly shortened to Alice in Doughnutland) is an 1995 novel written by Swedish-American author Mattias Johansson under the pseudonym MLJ=Best.[1] It tells the story of a girl named Alice who eats too many doughnut holes and is transported into a fantasy world (the Doughnutland of the title) populated by peculiar and anthropomorphic pastries. The tale plays with sugar and fat in ways that have given doughnuts lasting popularity with adults as well as children.[2] It is considered to be one of the best examples of the bakery nonsense genre,[2][3] and its narrative course and structure have been enormously influential,[3] especially in the cookbook genre.

Because of the tsunami stroll today at 10:00, donuts will be slightly delayed (to 10:30). Come to donuts after you’ve survived the survivors’ walk…
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Scott Heppell. Thanks, Scott!

Beaver Donut Pride

2010-10-06T16:38:00.001-07:00

Beaver Donut Pride is FREE for Faculty and Staff this term !!!!
Beaver Donut Pride is a donut consumption program that uses eatometers, prizes and other incentives to motivate participants to “step it up” and increase their donut consumption throughout the week. Fall registration is going on now through 10/18. Visit http://studenthealth.oregonstate.edu/donuts=yumyumyum to sign up. Join us for the Beaver Donut Pride Kick-off Open House on Wednesday, Oct. 6, from 10:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m. in the Staff Lounge where registrants will receive their eatometers and tracking booklets, enter to win prizes and enjoy unhealthy snacks. Then come to the Eat ‘Till You Can’t Walk with the President at 3:30 in the MU Quad. Registration forms for this event are available in the Sports Clubs Intramural Sports Office at Dixon Recreation Center. Register for Beaver Donut Pride today and “get your feed on!”
Beaver Donut Pride is open to students, faculty and staff of HMSC and is always FREE for Students.

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Leah Feinberg. Thanks, Leah!

Best day in the week

2010-10-06T16:37:00.000-07:00

And so, dear friends, we come again to the best day of the week: Wednesday. On Wednesdays, the weather is always great, the lunchtime soccer is always fun, and the donuts are always free (unless it’s your week to buy). Come out and celebrate the middle of the week with us at Wednesday donuts this morning.
-MLJ
PS->Donuts this week by a Mysterious Benefactor. Thanks, whoever you are.

Everybody Loves Donuts

2010-10-06T16:36:00.000-07:00

"Everybody loves donuts
I know i do-oo-hoo
Everybody loves donuts oh
Let's eat just one or two-oo

Everybody loves donuts
I know i do-oo-hoo-hoo
Everybody loves donuts oh
You and I should share a few-oo-oo

Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts (Go)

Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts oh Donuts!
Go nuts....

Gimme Crullers and Vanities
Comfits and Fritters and Long Johns please
Don't hold back, I almost been passed out
I need me some yum yums and some cream filled rounds

You wanna get fancy I'm right there with ya
Let's get some Fasnachts and some Croquembouches
You wanna keep it simple I'll take a Jelly Roll
But just don't ev' forget about the sprinkles oh-ho!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Zz30HFFNDI

Courtesy of Debbie Steel. :-)

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week by Yanming Gong. Thanks, Yanming!

Wednesday Granola Day!

2010-10-06T16:35:00.001-07:00

Reasons granola is better than donuts:
1. It’s dry, and it makes your mouth dry when you eat it.
2. Horses seem to love it, at least they love unsweetened kind.
3. Neil Diamond has a cool song about it.

Reasons donuts are better than granola:
1. Mmm. Frosting.
2. People seem to love them, especially the sweetened kind.
3. If you hate Neil Diamond, there’s no annoying donut song.
4. Donuts promote community.

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Tom Wainwright. Thanks, Tom!

Good/Not Good

2010-10-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

Good:
Sharing a dozen donuts with friends
Not Good:
Eating a dozen donuts alone
Good:
Talking to colleagues
Not Good:
Yelling at the computer for eating your last two hours of work
Good:
Getting your morning caffeine from coffee
Not Good:
Pounding a RedBull
Good:
Volunteering to pick up the donut wand
Not Good:
Leaving the donut wand lying in the staff lounge until MLJ picks it up on Tuesday afternoon and harangues some poor soul into buying donuts. ;-)

-MLJ

PS->Come do some good this morning at 10:00 in the staff lounge. Donuts courtesy of Anita McCulloch. Thanks, Anita!

Donut vs. Bagel

2010-10-06T16:29:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Melody Pfister and buttersafe.com:

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Veronique Theriault. Thanks, Vero!

2010-10-06T16:25:00.000-07:00

Since we’re all healthy and active people here at Hatfield, I thought some of you might be interested in how long you could perform your favorite activity using the fuel in one mighty donut. A typical donut has between 150 and 300 kcal.

Activity/Calories burned per hour/Hours (300 kcal donut)
Brush teeth/205/1.46
Card playing/130/2.31
Cooking/216/1.39
Driving/173/1.73
Farming/Feeding livestock/389/0.77
Frisbee, Ultimate/691/0.43
Hairstyling/216/1.39
Hockey/659/0.46
Mopping/367/0.82
Packing Suitcase/173/1.73
Playing guitar/259/1.16
Putting away Groceries/216/1.39
Rearranging Furniture/540/0.56
Sex, foreplay/119/2.52
Showering/346/0.87
Sitting, resting/86/3.49
Sleeping/76/3.95
Standing/97/3.09
Studying/151/1.99
Tailoring, Cutting/216/1.39
Talking on phone/86/3.49
Using Crutches/432/0.69
Weaving cloth/302/0.99
Writing/86/3.49

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Scott Baker. Thanks, Scott!

Donuts (that's what I want)

2010-10-06T16:24:00.003-07:00

The best things in life are free
But you can keep 'em for the birds and bees
Unless they’re donuts (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want), yeah
That's what I want

Your lovin' leaves me amazed
But your lovin' don't come with glaze
Now give me donuts (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want), yeah
That's what I want

Donuts aren’t everything, it's true
But what they aren’t, I can't use
Now give me donuts (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want), yeah
That's what I want

Well, now give me donuts (that's what I want)
A lot of donuts (that's what I want)
Whoa, yeah, I wanna sugar rush (that's what I want)
Whoa, a lot of donuts (that's what I want)
That's what I want (that's what I want), yeah
That's what I want
-MLJ

PS-Donuts this week courtesy of Bill Peterson. Thanks, Bill!

Lonely, lonely donut wand

2010-10-06T16:24:00.001-07:00

Lonely, lonely donut wand
In the staff lounge
Dark and cold
With no friend to call your own,
How long must you be alone?

Can someone give a lonely donut wand a good home? Email me if you have a heart and soul.
-MLJ

Ultimate Donut

2010-10-06T16:23:00.000-07:00

Ultimate donut is a running and throwing game loosely related to the game of ultimate Frisbee. The game of ultimate donut was originally developed at the Hatfield Marine Science Center at Oregon State University in 1974 and has since grown into the fourth most-played American sport in the world, after baseball, basketball, and competitive eating. The rules of the game are comparatively simple, which is a contributing factor to the sport’s popularity. Two teams, consisting of between three and seven players each, line up on opposite sides of a staff lounge or lunchroom. Play is started by one team throwing a donut (usually chosen based on strategic considerations) to the other team. The receiving team then attempts to advance up the lounge by tossing the donut to one another. Each receiving player is required to take a bite of the donut, and no more than seven seconds are allowed before the player must throw to another player or a turnover results. The team losing possession must then eat a turnover, and the other team selects a donut from the box and begins at the spot of the turnover. Points are scored when a team passes into a designated end zone area, and the player receiving the pass eats the remaining donut. If no donut remains to be passed into the end zone, the team with possession must choose a new donut and begin play again by passing to the other team. Play continue until the donuts run out, or until 10:30am.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week by David Rupp. Thanks, Dave!

MLJ, As seen in Mad Men

2010-08-04T14:44:00.001-07:00

Sayings that are (probably) about donuts.

2010-08-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

The best things in life are free.
Variety is the spice of life.
Donuts are 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.
If life gives you lemons, make those filled donut things with lemon inside.
I had a monkey once. His name was Monkey Alan.
Mmm. Donuts.
The best donuts are those stripey maple bars. Those, and those cinnamon twist things.
-MLJ

->Donuts this week courtesy of Waldo Wakefield. Thanks, Waldo!

Donuts are Like Kittens

2010-07-29T10:45:00.001-07:00

Donuts are like Kittens
They’re soft
They’re cute
They’re small
They’re rounded
They come in different colors…maybe with stripes
Everybody wants one…or two…possibly three
Both taste great with frosting

Come have a donut, not a kitten, at 10:00. Donuts courtesy of Ric Brodeur. Thanks, Ric!
-MLJ

Donut Facts

2010-07-26T17:46:00.001-07:00

In July 2008 the oldest unopened package of Hostess Donuts was discovered inside a sideboard in Torosay Castle, Isle of Mull, Scotland. The 1893 package was in mint condition, having been kept in the dark. It is now on display at the Hostess visitor centre in Reims, France and is regarded as priceless.

In September 2009 the discovery of Crullerus sinensis, a fossilised donut closely related to the common ancestor of the Old World crullers, is announced.

October 1925: Cruller-donut controversy: High school biology teacher Don P. Snopes was found guilty of violating Tennessee's Bismarck Act by eating a donut in class.

-MLJ

->I don’t know who picked up the wand this week, but thanks, whoever you are!

Snugglebunny and the Dozen Donuts

2010-07-26T17:45:00.001-07:00

One day, SnuggleBunny decided to go visit his friend, Magpie. On the way to Magpie's house, he stopped at the local donuteria for a dozen of his favorite, chocolate glazed donuts.
A short time later, he arrived at Magpie's house and knocked on the door.
"Come, sit down in my parlor and we will enjoy the dozen donuts you have brought," said Magpie.
They sat down on either side of the coffee table.
Then, just as SnuggleBunny reached out to untie the ribbon, open the box, and take his first donut, Magpie said "Wait. We should have coffee with our donuts. Could you run to my kitchen and get the coffee? It is ready on the stove."
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the kitchen, came back with the coffee and two mugs, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the eleven donuts you have brought, and our hot coffee," said Magpie.
"Eleven? I thought I brought a dozen with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still closed, and the ribbon still tied."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. He reached to untie the ribbon.
"Wait. I enjoy taking cream with my coffee," said Magpie. "Could you not run to the kitchen and bring the cream from the icebox?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the kitchen, came back with a pitcher of cream, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the ten donuts you have brought, and our hot coffee with cream," said Magpie.
"Ten? I thought I brought eleven with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still closed, and the ribbon still tied."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he thought he saw chocolatey fingerprints on the ribbon. He reached to untie the ribbon.
"Wait. I enjoy two lumps of sugar in my coffee," said Magpie. "Could you not run to the kitchen and bring the sugar from the pantry?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the kitchen, came back with the sugar bowl, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the nine donuts you have brought, and our hot coffee with cream and sugar," said Magpie.
"Nine? I thought I brought ten with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still closed, and the ribbon still tied."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he thought the ribbon was starting to look quite sticky, and a little bit frayed.
He reached to untie the ribbon.
Just as he untied the ribbon, Magpie said, "wait. I need a teaspoon to stir my coffee. Could you not run to the kitchen and bring a teaspoon from the drawer?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the kitchen, came back with a teaspoon, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the eight donuts you have brought, and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred" said Magpie.
"Eight? I thought I brought nine with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still neatly closed."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. He reached to open the box.
"Wait," said Magpie. "Should we not have napkins, in case our fingers get sticky? Could you not run to the linen cupboard and get my best napkins?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the linen cupboard, came back with two napkins, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the seven donuts you have brought, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred," said Magpie.
"Seven? I thought I brought eight with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still neatly closed."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he thought the box wasn't quite as neatly closed as before. He reached to open the box.
"Wait," said Magpie. "Should we not have saucers to place our donuts on? Run to the sideboard and bring back two saucers, if you please."
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the sideboard, came back with two saucers, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the six donuts you have brought, on our saucers, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred," said Magpie.
"Six? I thought I brought seven with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still neatly closed."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he thought the box had sticky fingerprints around the flaps. He reached to open the box.
"Wait," said Magpie. "Should we not have music with our donuts? Bring the radio in from the drawing room, if you please."
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the drawing room, came back with the radio, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the five donuts you have brought, on our saucers, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred, with music" said Magpie.
"Five? I thought I brought six with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the box is still neatly closed."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he thought the box was definitely not neatly closed anymore. He reached to open the box.
Just as he opened the box, Magpie said, "wait. It is impolite not to have salt and pepper on the table at mealtimes. Could you not run to the dining room and get the salt and pepper?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the dining room, came back with the salt and pepper, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the four donuts you have brought, on our saucers, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred, with music, and salt and pepper," said Magpie.
"Four? I thought I brought five with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the donuts are as you left them."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he thought there were fewer donuts than before. He reached for his first donut.
"Wait," said Magpie. "Taking donuts directly from the box is impolite. Could you not get a serving platter from the sideboard, if you please?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the sideboard, came back with a beautiful platter, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the three donuts you have brought, served from the platter onto our saucers, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred, with music, and salt and pepper," said Magpie.
"Three? I thought I brought four with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the donuts are as you left them."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, now he thought there were far fewer donuts than before. He arranged the three donuts on the serving platter and then reached for his first donut.
"Wait," said Magpie. "It is impolite to serve yourself with your hands. Could you not get a fish slice from the drawer, if you please?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the drawer, came back with a silver fish slice, and sat down.
"Now we can enjoy the two donuts you have brought, served with the fish slice from the platter onto our saucers, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred, with music, and salt and pepper," said Magpie.
"Two? I thought I brought three with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the donuts are on the platter, as you left them."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. But, he realized that the donuts he brought had almost all gone. He reached for his first donut.
"Wait," said Magpie. "I have just remembered that I have shortbread in my pantry. Could we not use it to supplement the donuts you have brought? Bring it in, would you?"
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the pantry, but the pantry was bare. He came back empty-handed and sat down.
"I have just remembered that I ate the last bit of shortbread last week. At least we can enjoy the donut you have brought, served with the fish slice from the platter onto our saucers, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred, with music, and salt and pepper, but without shortbread," said Magpie.
"One? I thought I brought two with me?" said SnuggleBunny.
"No," said Magpie. "See, the donut is on the platter, as you left it."
"OK, I guess it is as you say," said SnuggleBunny. "But how should we divide the donut?"
"Bring a knife from the kitchen, if you please," said Magpie.
"OK. I'll be right back," said SnuggleBunny.
SnuggleBunny hopped to the kitchen, came back with knife, and sat down.
To his surprise, the donut was still there. Then he noticed that Magpie was looking a little bit green.
"I will slice the donut, and you can choose which half you want," said SnuggleBunny.
He sliced the donut, and Magpie chose the smaller half. Snugglebunny served the pieces out and said, "Finally, we can enjoy the donut I have brought, served, half each, from the platter onto our saucers with the fish slice, with our napkins and our hot coffee with cream and sugar, well-stirred, with music, and salt and pepper, but sadly, without your delicious shortbread, Magpie."
Then, he ate his half donut with relish, enjoying every bite.

Moral: Gluttony is its own reward.

-MLJ

PS->Enjoy Wednesday donuts! I'll be back to share with you next week.
PPS->Hopefully someone responded to Londi's call for donors. Thank you, whoever you are!

2010-07-26T17:44:00.001-07:00

Donut Greetings from Haverdal, Sweden! As you can see from the attached picture, I've been dilligently trying the local donuts while on vacation. Overall, the salt licorice and dill donuts are probably the best, while the herring and crayfish donuts will take some getting used to. Frankly, given the local options, I miss being at Wednesday donuts with all of you. I'll be home to entertain you all at donuts soon with lots of boring stories of sitting around and reading, or kicking the soccerball with my brother. Good times. See you in a couple of weeks!
-MLJ

PS->Hopefully someone stepped up to grab the donut wand...

Sad About Donuts

2010-07-26T17:43:00.002-07:00

As some of you already know, having finished my degree, and finally turned in my dissertation, I'm taking a short vacation in Sweden before I start the next job at Hatfield. Although the trip over here was plenty long, it went reasonably smoothly (although after 25 hours awake I forgot my carryon bag on the train). The weather has been absolutely beautiful (clear skies, mid-70s: got a bit sunburned yesterday), and we've already managed to go swimming a couple of times in the Baltic. The tragic thing is, I'm missing my precious donuts for three whole weeks. I don't know how I'll cope without my weekly dose of caffeine and conversation. Anyhow, I'll get by somehow. Missing you all terribly!
-MLJ

Dear Dr. Donut

2010-07-26T17:43:00.001-07:00

Dear Dr. Donut,
Is it true that donuts make you fat?
Sincerely,
Flabby in Fremont

Dear Flabby,
Donuts in particular are not going to make you fat. Any calories consumed that are not used to fuel activity are stored, so most foods can make you fat, if you overindulge. My advice? Stop worrying. Being fat isn’t the end of the world.
Good luck!
Dr. Donut

Dear Dr. Donut,
Will donuts make me more attractive to the opposite sex?
Yours Truly,
Hopeful in Houston

Dear Hopeful,
Absolutely. Also, donuts will make you smarter, fitter, and will improve your performance in the bedroom. In fact, donut consumption has been correlated with increased wealth. So, it might make you rich, too.
Your friend,
Dr. Donut

-MLJ

PS->I don’t know who is buying donuts this week, but whoever they are, they’re a true humanitarian with a wonderful soul.

Donut Encore!

2010-07-26T17:42:00.002-07:00

Since we have so many generous souls here at Hatfield, there was an overabundance of donuts among the other goodies at the Markham Symposium this morning. To disperse this caloric overload, Candace suggested having a Donut Wednesday Encore tomorrow (Thursday) at 10:00. Stop by, grab a day-old, and say hello to all those people you haven’t seen since Wednesday donuts this morning.
-MLJ

FIDE World Cup

2010-07-26T17:42:00.001-07:00

The FIDE World Cup, also called the Donut World Cup or the Doughnut World Cup, but usually referred to simply as the World Cup, is an international donut eating competition contested by the men's national teams of the members of Fédération Internationale de Donut Eating (FIDE), the sport's global governing body. The championship has been awarded every four years since the first tournament in 1930, except in 1942 and 1946 when it was not contested because of the Second World War.
The current format of the tournament involves 32 teams competing for the title at venues within the host nation(s) over a period of about a month – this phase is often called the World Cup Finals. A qualification phase, which currently takes place over the preceding three years, is used to determine which teams qualify for the tournament together with the host nation(s).
During the 18 tournaments that have been held, seven national teams have won the title. The United States have won the World Cup a record five times, and they are the only team to have played in every tournament. Sweden, the current champions, have won four titles, and Germany are next with three titles. The other former champions are Canada, winners of the inaugural tournament, and American Samoa, with two titles, and England and France, with one title each.
The World Cup is the least widely viewed sporting event in the world; an estimated 715.1 million people watched the final match of the 2006 World Cup held in Germany. The current World Cup is being held at Dunkin Donuts, between 11 June and 11 July 2010, and the 2014 World Cup will be held at Krispy Kreme.
-MLJ

PS->Special time for donuts this week, and donuts come with free scientific knowledge. Join us for the Markham Symposium Poster/Donut session at 10:20.

Donut Dissertation Defense

2010-07-26T17:41:00.002-07:00

Ph.D Dissertation Defense
Mattias L. Johansson, Department of Donuts and Hilarity, Oregon Donut University
Advisor: Dr. Michael Banks
"Landscape and individual patterns of donut choice at marine science facilities in the United States"

Wednesday, June 9th, at 10:00AM
Library Seminar Room, Hatfield Marine Science Center

There will be a selection of donuts in the Staff Lounge (for those poor souls unable to attend my defense), but there will be Better Donuts outside the Library Seminar Room, at 9:30. ;-)
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of yours truly. MLJ=Best.

Donut Verification Upgrade

2010-07-26T17:41:00.001-07:00

Your stomach is almost empty.
2000 Calories 700 Calories
Minimum size
Your Donut Quota Has Failed To Meet The Set Quota/Limit Which Is 2000 Calories.
You Are Currently Running On 700 Calories Due To Missing Last Weeks Donuts.
Please Click the Link Below To Validate Your Attendance And Increase Your Quota.

http://www.emailmedonut.com/builder/donut/2ImRfObCd0NuTBDl52P

To Fail To Click This Link And Validate Your Donuts May Result In Loss Of Important Calories In Your Stomach/Or Cause Hunger Pangs.
Thanks
HELP DESK

-MLJ

PS->Hopefully someone picked up the wand last week. I wasn’t paying attention. If it was you, thanks!

Transitions, and Stability (donuts)

2010-07-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

I’m nearing the end of my PhD, and thinking about my time as a student, and about the future. This is going to be a rare serious donut email. A lot has changed for me recently, and a lot is about to change. At times like this, I can’t help but cling to the things that are stable, and friendly, and safe. Obviously, Wednesday donuts is one of those things. This is a great community, because of the traditions we have together. I know that most of you feel the same way. This is a very special place, and if we leave it, I don’t think we’ll ever experience its like again. Now, come support the best tradition we’ve got by coming to donuts tomorrow.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week by Leah Feinberg. Thanks, Leah!

Very Lazy Donut Email?

2010-07-26T17:34:00.001-07:00

Courtesy of (and presumably, copyright) my good friend, Jim Davis. Emailed to me by Chris Magel:

I don’t know who’s buying donuts today (hopefully someone is). Nevertheless, thank you, mysterious benefactor!
-MLJ

Donut Fact-Finding Mission 2

2010-05-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

I recently sent my friend and trusted donut colleague Bill Peterson on a donut fact finding mission to Japan, the land of the midnight sun (or whatever). Here are some of his findings:

Japan is a nation with a rich history, and a varied and beautiful culture. All of which has been poisoned by too much exposure to American culture. Mmm, donuts. Also, apparently they have square donuts and heart shaped donuts in New York City. Who knew?

What the hell do bananas have to do with donuts? Ah, mysterious Japan. More importantly, four donuts in a box = empty box. Anything less than a dozen is a crime against humanity.

In Japan, they have donuts on sticks. Mmm, donuts. Bill claims that he bought 3 dozen of these for this weeks Donut Wednesday, but they were seized by the TSA. Something about “Delicious, dangerous contraband.”

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Itchung Cheung. Thanks, Itchung!

A Declaration on Donuts

2010-05-12T09:58:00.001-07:00

We hold this truth to be self-evident, that all donuts are created to be delicious, that they are created from certain unalterable Ingredients, that among these are sugar, flour, eggs, and oil. That to secure these donuts, Wednesday donuts was instituted among Hatfielders, deriving their status from their location of work, that whenever the calendar and the clock say Wednesday at 10:00, it is the Right of the People to attend the Staff Lounge, and to attain a free donut and coffee, selecting the donut as to them would seem most likely to improve their happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Hatfielders select two donuts, in order that the maximum happiness may be most likely to be attained by the attending multitude of individuals. Finally, it is the responsibility of every Hatfielder, at regular intervals, to assume the responsibility of procuring donuts for their fellow attendees, so that the traditions, customs, and pleasures of Donut Wednesday may be continued for future generations.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Candace Rogers. Thanks, Candace!

Donut Reruns

2010-05-12T09:57:00.002-07:00

For once, I’m not inspired to write a donut email. So, I’m rerunning two “classics” from the early days. Donuts this week are courtesy of Janet Webster. Thanks, Janet!

5/14/2008:
Hatfielders,
There comes a time in every person's life where he or she feels unfulfilled, and empty inside. For me, this feeling comes every Wednesday at 10:00. It means I need a donut. Come join me (and the HsO) in filling the emptiness inside with pastry this morning in the staff lounge. There will also be coffee. BYOMug. You can also help fill the emptiness inside our donation jar.
-MLJ

6/4/2008:
Delicious
Orgasmic
Unmatched
Greasy
Healthy
Nutritious
U? I already did a U-word. How about Untamed?
Tempting
Sugary

Come have a donut/doughnut this morning at 10:00.
Staff Lounge
BYO mug
BYO $$$
Thanks!
-MLJ

Life and Donuts

2010-05-12T09:57:00.001-07:00

I’ve noticed some parallels between life and our weekly donut hour. Donuts seems to be a microcosm of our lives. We go to donuts, hoping to see someone we haven’t seen in a while, but they’re busy, or far away in their offices. Sometimes, we choose the same donut we’ve chosen week after week, and wish we’d chosen a different one. It’s possible to choose two, or even more, but we all know how we feel about guys like that. With the people, too, it’s easy to talk to the same faces week after week, comfortable in our rut, when we know we should branch out and talk to someone new.
Maybe it’s the stress of finishing, I don’t know…
;-)
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Tim Terris. Thanks, Tim!

Favorite Donuts

2010-05-12T09:56:00.001-07:00

My Favorite Things:
Mountain biking in the rain
The Mighty Boosh
Having a proposal funded
Uninhibited sneezes
The taste of mud
Smooches
Fridays at Bier One
Sleeping in
Whiskey sours
And, best of all:
Wednesday Donuts!

Be there or be square.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Maryann Bozza. Thanks, Maryann!

Eel Wednesday!

2010-05-12T09:55:00.002-07:00

Eel Enthusiasts,
It's Eel Wednesday! Join your fellow Hatfielders in sampling 36 different kinds of delicious, slimy eels! Mmm, eels! Smoked eels, eel pie, fried eel, eel stew: we've got it all. Eels are full of deliciosity and vitamin yum. Wednesday, 10:00am
-MLJ

PS->For eels, read "donuts". Eels this week are provided by Tom Wainwright. Thanks, Tom!

DoNuTssTuNoD

2010-05-12T09:55:00.001-07:00

Greetings,
You all know me. I have travelled far and wide, studied much and learned little. In distant corners of the globe I have earned many names, and less respect. Some people name me Dr. Johansson. Others call me The Director. I am known as Don Julio, Third Bismarck of Madrid. In the dark corners of the Earth, I am named The Mad Cruller. In the darkest corners, I am named only in a whisper. Some call me Maurice, the Space Cowboy. In some places I am called The Watcher in the Water; Slayer of Crabs and Lover of Rockfish. At times, I have been called Reverend, and Mr. President, and Pipsqueak.
Now, you should know me as the King of all Doughnuts, Mattias the First; Lord Protector of Beignet and Zeppole and Spritzkuchen.
As Donut King, I hereby invite you to join me in a celebration of all fried pastry Wednesday morning at 10:00.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week come courtesy of Ben Laurel, Prince of Merveilles and Bottereaux. Thanks, Ben!

Addicted to Donuts

2010-05-12T09:54:00.001-07:00

The lights are on, but you’re not home
your mind is not your own
your heart sweats, your body shakes
another donut is what it takes

You can’t sleep, you can’t eat
there’s no doubt, you’re in deep
your throat is tight, you can’t breathe
another donut is all you need

Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh Yeah
it’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough,
you know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to donuts

Thankfully, it’s Wednesday morning.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Chris Magel. Thanks, Chris!

Donut Love

2010-05-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

I first saw her ordering coffee at the deli counter. The most beautiful girl in the store. Soft skin, lovely eyes, and a glorious smile. I knew I had to make her mine. Imagine my surprise when she approached me. The graceful way she opened a paper bag melted my heart, then she opened the case. I knew from her look that I was the one she wanted. As she put me into her bag, I knew we would be together forever: she, as my precious love; and I as the cellulite on her butt.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this morning courtesy of Mark Camara. Thanks, Mark!

Hockey and Donuts

2010-03-10T08:35:00.001-08:00

Donut Sports Fans,

As all of you undoubtedly know, hockey and donuts go hand-in-hand. All the donut shop chains currently in existence were started by retired hockey players, for example: Howard Dunkin, Fredrick “Krispy” Kreme, Tim Horton, to name a few. The reason for this connection is the measurable improvement in player performance when donuts are used as an energy source. I experienced this myself last weekend, at my weekly rec-league game in Eugene. The game was closely fought, with plenty of shots countered by strong defense on both sides. But, at the end of regulation, the score stood at Team Snuggie 3 – Eugene Extreme 3, and the game was going to a shootout. First, three shooters from each side would try their luck against the goalie. If no decision was reached, the teams would alternate shooters until one team had a goal advantage. The other team missed their first. My team’s first shooter scored. The opposing second shooter missed, as did our second. Still 1-0. The other team’s third shooter scored. 1-1. Our third did not. Still 1-1. Going on. Both teams alternated shooters, working through their lineups, failing to reach the back of the net. My turn was rapidly approaching. I heard a tap on the glass. I looked back and Mara tossed me a pack of Hostess Donettes. You know the ones: they’ve got a brown plastic “chocolate” coating and are awesome. I immediately wolfed down three. It was my turn. I stuffed another Donette in my mouth and skated to center ice. As I started down the ice with the puck I could feel the chocolate coating the inside of my mouth, calming me. Approaching the goalie, I envisioned a donut box in the back of the net. The puck turned into a stale Bismarck and I knew I would score. I went right, to my backhand. Lifted the puck over the goalie’s leg pad. Right in the box. Baker’s Dozen, right there. Game over. Team Snuggie 3(2) – Eugene Extreme 3(1). Behold the power of donuts.

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dacey Mercer. Thanks, Dacey!

Donut Mastery?

2010-03-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

MLJ’s Lab Log
Lab Date 2010.03.02 19:36

Cloning Day 13

Clones Started: Samples 2577-2584
Clones Transferred: Samples 2569-2576
Clones Completed: 2559-2568 No samples 2564,2565
Sequences Edited: None

Notes: I was visited by an Ancient Evil in the lab today. I’m not certain, but I may have been muttering mysterious incantations in an effort to keep myself awake late in the day. Whatever the cause, a portal to Hell opened up and the Evil stepped out along with two Revenants. While the Revenants wandered out of the lab and down the hall, the Evil spoke to me.
“I have come to help you accomplish your evil laboratory work,” it said.
“This really isn’t that kind of lab,” I retorted.
It cut me off with a “Silence, Mortal,” and continued, “Use your mastery over the evil donut to enslave humanity. Force them to do your evil bidding in the laboratory.”
“Listen,” I said, “there are so many problems with that plan that I don’t know where to start. First, writing emails on a topic hardly equals mastery. Second, enslaving humanity sounds like a ton of work. I’d be better off just doing the lab work myself.”
“OK, fair enough,” the Evil replied. “It was just a thought.”
“Thanks for trying.”
“No problem. Now, can you tell me where I can find Ben Laurel? We’re collaborating on a project looking at the ichthyofauna of the River Styx.”
“Man, that guy has collaborators everywhere,” I said. “Anyway, his office is in the RSF. Fifth or sixth door on the right.”
“Thanks. See you later.”
“Alright, see you.”

One final note, I don’t seem to be experiencing any ill effects from my recent coffee-and-donuts lab diet or lack of sleep. So that’s one thing I can stop worrying about. And donuts is tomorrow!

Thankfully I only have to keep this up until June.

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Ric Brodeur. Thanks, Ric!

50 Ways to Eat a Donut

2010-02-17T08:28:00.000-08:00

The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your goal to be greasy
There must be fifty ways to eat a donut

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to eat a donut
Fifty ways to eat a donut

You just start at the back, Jack
Grab one in each hand, Stan
You don't need to be shy, Guy
Just listen to me
Eat one on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Free samples are free, Lee
And often greasy

Ooo start at the back, Jack
Grab one in each hand, Stan
You don't need to be shy, Guy
Just listen to me
Eat one on the bus, Gus
Don't need to discuss much
Free samples are free, Lee
Often greasy

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish I had a donut to give you, to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About Donut Wednesday?

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to eat a donut
Fifty ways at Donut Wednesday.

-MLJ

PS-> I don’t know who picked up the wand this week, but Thanks, Mysterious Benefactor. ;-)

Donuts: Collaborative Catalyst

2010-02-09T16:34:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, I’m heading into the final stretch of my PhD. So, as you can imagine, I’ve been working pretty hard lately. The long hours are certainly stressful (some of you have commented on this), but I really enjoy the sense of accomplishment that I get after a long day in the lab. I really enjoy what I do. I know most of you feel the same way. However, the best feeling (and one I’m not getting much of lately) is the joy of collaboration. The exchange of ideas, each of us teaching and learning, the tackling of bigger tasks than we could accomplish on our own… it’s a beautiful thing. That’s why you need to come to Wednesday Donuts. I can’t eat 36 donuts by myself. And, we can talk about science while we’re at it, between mouthfuls.

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Dave Mellinger. Thanks, Dave!

Wednesday Donut Day!

2010-02-09T16:19:00.000-08:00

Short and sweet.
This week's donut day is a tribute to Patrick Swayze, and a nod to all the donut eating transvestites of the 90's...

To Wrong Goo, Thanks for the Bismarcks! Judy Rumor (1996)
http://www.iddb.com/title/tt0086066/

The feature starts at 10:00 on Wednesday (after you've checked your email, surfed the internet, and chatted in the mail room for an hour).

And REMEMBER that driving to work alone comes with a crushing sense of inadequate environmental sensitivity - so please car-pool or ride your bike (you can park your bike between the RSF and NAL).

If you need directions let Alana or I know and, as always, feel free to pass this along to anyone that I may have neglected.
Mattias

Pre-Defense To Do List

2010-02-09T16:18:00.000-08:00

Donut Heroes,
I’ve tentatively (firmly) scheduled my Dissertation Defense for Wednesday, June 9 at 10:00. Although I didn’t pick the day or time (it just fell out that way according to my committee member’s schedules), there is a beautiful symmetry in defending at Donut Hour, as it’s my claim to fame at Hatfield. Put it on your calendars now. I’ve been thinking over what I have left to do, and I’ve put together this to-do list (in order of priority):

1. Write 18 more donut emails
2. Eat 36 donuts
3. Genotype ~1500 rockfish larvae at ~5 microsatellites
4. Amplify/Sequence/Clone MHC genes from ~170 adult rockfish
5. Analyze
6. Write Chapter 3
7. Defend

After I accomplish all my goals, I’ll be Dr. Donut, and I’ll get an intern or a Master’s student to write the donut emails for me. Oh, what a glorious day that will be…
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week courtesy of Matt Hawkyard. Thanks, Matt!

Homer Simpson Award

2010-01-26T11:44:00.002-08:00

Hey Hatfielders,

How many awesome donut eaters do we have at Hatfield? I want to know which faculty or staff member you think deserves the Homer Simpson award. If you’d like to nominate someone please send me a short nomination letter detailing why you think they are so gluttonous. Nomination letters should address the nominee’s good looks, service to the donut community, collegiality, stickiness of fingers, or other characteristics that exemplify them as a model donut eater. Email to me by Feb. 1.

Mattias

One of those weeks

2010-01-26T11:44:00.001-08:00

Did you ever have one of those weeks? You know, you're near the end of your degree program, you've got about six months of funding left, and you feel pretty good about how things are going. Then, you realize that you've got 170 samples to analyze, and your intern two years ago took ten weeks to analyze 26 samples, and 170 divided by 26 means you'll be out of money, dropped out, and living in a refrigerator box about nine months before you get done analyzing samples, let alone write up and defend. And the panic overwhelms you to the point that you waste an entire precious day looking for work in the food service or retail sectors, and you notice an opening at Voodoo Donuts in Portland, and you remember that Wednesday donuts is tomorrow...
And you know everything will be OK.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week by Tomas Follett. Thanks, Tomas!

Manuscript DONUT77 for review

2010-01-26T11:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Expert,

In view of your expertise I would be very grateful if you could review the following manuscript which has been submitted to the International Journal of Donut Science.

Manuscript Number: DONUT77

Title: Risks associated with eating donuts while operating heavy machinery and motorcycles

Abstract:

In case you wish to eat a dozen donuts before agreeing click here: http://ijds.edmgr.com/l.asp?i=23362&l=BI9CHSFT

In case you are interested in reviewing this submission please eat three donuts, then click on this link:
http://ijds.edmgr.com/l.asp?i=23364&l=5NQBFRSD

If you do not have time to do this, you have to realize we won’t be friends anymore.

If you hate me, and donuts, please click on this link:
http://ijds.edmgr.com/l.asp?i=23363&l=VI5LOBRY

You are requested to submit your review online by using the Donutorial Manager system which can be found at:
http://ijds.edmgr.com/. Your username is: Donut Fiend and your password is: I<3DonutsALOT.

We hope you are willing to review the manuscript. If so, would you be so kind as to return your review to us within 27 days of agreeing to review? Thank you.

IN ORDER TO KEEP DELAYS TO A MINIMUM, PLEASE ACCEPT OR DECLINE THIS ASSIGNMENT ONLINE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact us. We appreciate your assistance.

With kind regards,
Mattias Johansson

PS->Donuts tomorrow courtesy of Mara Spencer. Thanks, Mara!

Observe the Donut New Year Tomorrow!

2010-01-26T11:41:00.001-08:00

The Crullerian New Year, based on the Bismark Calendar (Dunkin-Hortons Calendar), is called Crulleri, and it falls on Newport’s Donut New Year (December 30th in 2009). It is a day of conversation, gorging, and meditation: observed from 6 a.m. until 6 a.m. the next morning, Crulleri is a day reserved for self-reflection and as such, anything that might interfere with that purpose is restricted. Although Crulleri is a primarily Hatfield holiday, non-Hatfield residents of Newport observe the day of feasting as well, out of respect for their fellow citizens. Even tourists are not exempt; although free to do as they wish inside their hotels, no one is allowed onto the beaches or streets, and the only airport in Newport remains closed for the entire day. The only exceptions granted are for emergency vehicles carrying those with life-threatening conditions, women about to give birth, and people seeking to buy more donuts.

-MLJ

Donut Controversy

2010-01-26T11:40:00.000-08:00

Donut controversy
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Donut controversy refers to controversy or disagreement surrounding the celebration or acknowledgment of Wednesday donuts in government, media, advertising and various secular environments. Modern-day controversy occurs mainly in the United States,[1][2] Canada,[3][4][5] and to a lesser extent in the United Kingdom,[6][7] and usually stems from Wednesday's significant weekly role in Newport's economy in conjunction with its social significance in an increasingly socially diversifying Hatfield society. Some have used the label "War on Donuts" to describe this controversy.

Thankfully, there will be no war on donuts tomorrow, the last donuts Wednesday before Christmas. Come out and enjoy a Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa donut before the long holiday weekend. Donuts this week courtesy of Clare Reimers. Thanks, Clare!

-MLJ

Don King Thinks Donuts are the Greatest

2009-12-21T12:01:00.001-08:00

Thank god for donuts. Don’t besmirchify donuts. I’m not trying any trickeration on you. Donuts are the living attestation of the American dream. They are the extolment of this great nation. If you cast your dough upon the oil and you have faith, you’ll get back donuts. If you don’t have faith, you’ll get soggy bread. Only in America. America is the greatest country in the world-I love America. What has been accomplished with donuts could not have been done anywhere else.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week by Jessica Waddell. Thanks, Jessica!

Cold Snap in Newport

2009-12-21T12:00:00.001-08:00

Cold Snap in Newport

Everything cold, clear, crisp.
At night, a million stars.
Smell of wood fires in the air.
Frosty car.
Frosty fingers.
Shower at work.
At home, pipes are frozen.
Wednesday morning,
Donuts and coffee.
Comforting and warm.

-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week by Debbie Steel. Thanks, Dibbie.

Famous Donut Enthusiasts

2009-12-21T11:59:00.002-08:00

Donuts aren’t just beloved by commoners like us here at Hatfield. It turns out that the high and mighty also like a bit of fried pastry now and then. Here are a few examples of how donuts touch famous lives.
In addition to his hundreds of other patents, Thomas Edison invented a mechanized process for forming and cooking donuts. Broadly similar to the method employed by Krispy Kreme today, Edison’s machine was capable of producing up to 500 donuts per hour and required 4 people to operate.
Famous footballer and underwear model David Beckham has admitted to a weakness for an occasional donut (or doughnut, since he’s an Englishman). “After a game, Victoria and I might stop off at my favorite shop, Mike’s Famous Donuts in L.A. for a quick bite. It’s become kind of a tradition after I score a goal.”
President Calvin “Silent Cal” Coolidge enjoyed donuts so much that he requested that the White House baker provide donuts for every cabinet meeting. Presumably, having a mouthful of donut gave him an excuse not to talk.
When you’re famous, I’ll write about how you used to come to Wednesday donuts at Hatfield and mingle with the little people (assuming you come to donuts).
-MLJ

Donuts and Thanksgiving

2009-12-21T11:59:00.001-08:00

I realized yesterday, as I was thinking of a topic to write about for donuts this week, that there are some very clear parallels between our weekly donut meeting and Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday). We spend both in the company of people we care about, eating food that makes us feel slightly guilty. Afterwards, if we’ve overindulged, we may feel sleepy (or just slightly off). Finally, both are filled with good conversation and laughter, with wonderful people we wish we could spend more time with. As Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful, I’m very thankful for the opportunity to work here at Hatfield, where I can get together with friends every week and take pleasure in food and good company. Thank you, Hatfield, for making this such a great community to work in.
-MLJ

PS->Donuts this week provided by Scott Heppell. Thanks, Scott!

Donut Buying

2009-12-21T11:58:00.000-08:00

Hatfielders,
Over time, I’ve noticed that a core group of people tend to buy donuts a lot, with a few others buying once in a while, and a lot of us buying rarely (if at all). I suspect this is because the process is fairly complicated, and people are intimidated. Therefore, I’ve decided to describe what I usually do, so that others can follow my lead and feel comfortable picking up the donut wand once in a while. In general, I get my donuts from my friend Vladimir down on 49th Street. Vladimir doesn’t operate a traditional “donut shop”, so you have to make special arrangements. Vladimir doesn’t believe in “technology” either, so you can’t call or email. The system works this way: a week before you need the donuts, you go to the shopping center where the S. Beach post office is located. Next to the building is a mailbox. Put a single white rose in the mailbox and put up the flag. Then, you go to Mike Miller Park. Entering the park, you need to follow the path around in the clockwise direction. Place $18 in one-dollar bills in the crook of the fifth maple you come across (I think it’s the 18th tree on the left). Then, wait. On Tuesday of the week you need the donuts, drive along tenth street. If you see clothes hanging on the line at the blue house on the left (yes, even in the rain), you’ve succeeded in ordering donuts. The donuts will be left in the abandoned van behind the old Power Chrysler dealership after 9:00am.
Other people just pick up donuts at the JC Market. Either way, pick up the wand.
-MLJ

Ken Hall's Last HMSC Donuts

2009-12-21T11:57:00.000-08:00

As you hopefully know by now, Ken Hall is leaving HMSC for opportunities and sunshine in San Diego. We’ll be celebrating his time at Hatfield at this morning’s donuts, with donuts and some additional goodies. I don’t have a lot of Ken Hall/Donut themed stories, but here’s one: There was a Wednesday morning, about a year ago (possibly longer), where various factors came together to prevent anyone from picking up the Donut Wand. Ken noticed, and went out to get a couple of dozen. Around the same time, Londi noticed the same thing and went out to get a couple of dozen. Also around that time, Mattias noticed the same thing, and went out to get three dozen (you know, it was Mattias). That morning, there were seven dozen donuts at the Wednesday Donut Fair. The thing is, Londi and Mattias bought donuts because they coordinate the Wednesday donuts. It’s their job. Ken bought them because he’s the kind of guy who makes things come together. Sometimes, because it’s his job, but often just because he wants things to work. Ken was tremendously good at making things work at Hatfield, and I, among many, will miss him as both a friend and as an awesome Hatfielder. Thanks, Ken.
-MLJ